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I am going to kill myself.

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So it all started two days ago, I got home from our last hockey game of the year, losing in the semi finals. My parents were both incredibly disappointed with me and told me I wasn't cut out for hockey. This was such a blow, i felt worthless and wanted to kill myself right there in the changing room after the game. Such an important high school game, how could I have blown it? I spent the night walking around town during a horrendous snow storm. In the middle of it all I decided to seek shelter in the town bar, nearly deserted except for a thin figure in a long trench coat. Her brown curly locks flowed out from under her large brimmed, dark hat. She sat at a table all by herself, an empty glass sat in front of her as she nibbled at a bowl of mixed nuts. She turned and give me an inviting smile, her surprising tan skin, especially for winter, contrasted with her glistening smile. She asked me what a boy like myself was wondering around at this hour and I gave her a long winded story of my night.

At that point we both realized the bar was totally empty and that the bartender was no where to be seen. I became to feel uneasy and a sense of urgency flooded my mind, that i needed to get home to my parents before I got snowed into the bar. Then i remembered what they had put me through, I did not feel as a worthy son, and they were not worthy parents. Fuck em all, I thought, they won't even notice I'm gone. I don't need em, I couldn't give a rats ass what happens to those assholes.

<Mod edit: Abacus21: sexually explicit>

Rachelle drove me home yesterday morning and gave me her number before dropping me off. I was so excited with my first sexual experience, it being so fucking amazing at that. I entered in the back door, both my parents still asleep, lazy fucks. I hung around my house that day, took a nap, went out to lunch, things had really turned around, I hadn't even though about the hockey game. I was surfing facebook when I got a message from my hockey teams group. They told me not to bother coming back to the team next year, or even school on Monday. The lose was "all my fucking fault" and I 'can't skate worth two shits". This is when I decided that my life had hit it's climax and there was no use living anymore. I have accomplished everything I wanted, my parents hate me and my friends have rejected me. So i slept on it, and this morning when I got up, I feel just as strongly, I no longer want to live. I gave Rachelle a call and told me I'm a 'fucking dumbass for not realizing that it was nothing more than a one night stand and good luck on getting laid again, fucking loser.'

I've been contemplating ways of killing myself in the most gruesome and messy manner so my parents and friends have to witness the most horrific suicide ever. <Mod edit: Abacus21: methods>

What do you guys think? any suggestions?
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Mate please don't do anything bad. we are here to listen and help you. your parents love you and you are worthy.

is there anyting more you want to talk about?
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lEaRN n0t T0 tYPe liEK tHiS k?

You haven't helped, thanks.

I'm glad to know absolutely no one gives a shit and I really have no where to turn. Thanks a lot guys, you've actually pushed me to do what I thought you were supposed to help me avoid at all costs.

This is my final goodbye, I hope they write a nice obituary.


Account Closed
Bowling, the opinon of others when it comes to our own worth shouldn't matter. It does though, naturally.. but when your own opinon vs another comes into play, yours should always triumph. Life is full of success and disappointment, and those disappointments, those situations where things don't turn out the way we wanted them to, those are the times that help us grow. They give us the chance to overcome the winds that blow us into oblivion, that knock us down. When you take those steps forward even though that wind is there, you're growing, you're strengthening who you are.

Your parents opinon is very selfish. Where I live we have a huge problem with parents who place a sport above their own children. It's everywhere. They can't do it themselves so they place their feelings and desires through the children, effectively dissolving the view of their own child and viewing them as some sort of tool of the game, instead of their son/daughter playing a sport. I'm not to brill at explaining it, but your parents need a reality check. It's a game, a sport. It's not in anyway more important that you are. And it isn't to them, like many parents, they get sucked into it, and lose their clarity in those moments.

Not sure why she would give you her number then, unless either she wanted you to call her to get together again or she just wanted to bitch. either way.. in respect to her opinon to who you are? it means nothin guy. Absolutly nothing. She knows jack about you, and simply is saying those things to to give herself something that she needs. Alot of people feel better when they hurt other people, for any number of reasons.

To you. Hockey is a sport. It's not the world. The opinons that come from your teammates does matter, but to an extent. It's hard when you get a plural of opinons coming at you, but really.. it sounds like your team is frustrated, with loseing such a climactic event, so anything that might have been percieved as a cause for anything less than perfection will get an immense level of focus and really over the top responces. The TEAM lost. You were alone, and these people that were together after the game we're all in the same general state. They lost. Alot of the time, when something goes wrong, people bitch. So they bitch, they complain, think of all the reasons that it went wrong. They bounce of eachother, and if they find one thing that they all thought went wrong, they all put their input into it and bounce it around. Like a snowball effect.

It's easier to place the blame on someone else than to take responsibility for your own mistakes. And I am positive on that as a team, there were many many reasons for you guys loseing. Many many players making mistakes.

I will say this, your life hasnt reached it's climax. Your life is only just beginning. There are an infinite things to do in this life, but our perceptions to them become blurred nad limited sometimes, and it feels as if the things we have and done are all that is or all you could ever want/care about, and everything else is trivial. I would try opening your eyes and mind to life around you, to things you havnt done and experienced, to things you have done and experinced, because no matter what, things grow and get more intriguing and stimulating as you develop and open those doors.

You're very.. im not sure. Angry or extremely sad at thevway you've been treated by the people you consider close to you. you want to show them just how you feel.. but this aint worth it. Their opinon is not worth your life. You matter guy, you just need to remember it.
bowling, I hope you read what blake said very carefully as he makes some very good points. I am sorry your parents have treated you this way. They should understand that you will make mistakes. Life will go on whether the hockey team won or lost. That should really be of little importance, though we do tend to place so much importance on winning, whether it is in sports or other areas. You need to find what you can feel good about and let others opinions go by the wayside. If you did the best you could and your efforts were not enough, it's okay. No one should expect more from you than that.
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