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I AM going to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by astella, Jan 21, 2009.

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  1. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    I am going to do it. I know telling people methods is against the rules, but if no one tells me how I'm going <Mod edit Hazel: Methods > [to try something involving a train that I'm not sure will work]. I don't know how great the chances are of surviving, so if someone could give me some advice on that, it'd be appreciated. Otherwise, I might just end up worse off than I am now. Other methods that might be practical for a 17 year old are also appreciated (< Mod Edit Hazel: Method > ).
    I do not appreciate people trying to convince me otherwise, so don't waste your time if that's your intent, seriously.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2009
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi astella, I think you know that no one on Sf is going to give you methods.
    You say not to try and convince you not to do it, Ok I won't, what I will say is we are here, we want to listen, to help and to support you, and in return... I ask that you give us the chance to do that.

    Talk to us please.
  3. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    I don't know about that. I've been given some advice on how to before on this forum, not particularly helpful advice though because I thought the chances of living, but suffer a lot, were too high.

    Sorry, but listening won't do me any good. I was forced to exist, and I don't want to.
  4. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    there is no fool proof method.. even with trains. plus with trains you will ruin the life of the driver who will carry that forever. so please reconsider. get more support for yourself in your life, it is out there. you just have to find it.
  5. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    I'm hoping this isn't against the rules but will elaborate on the last post and say that if you are absolutely set on ending it, hopefully you would choose some way that wouldn't unnecessarily traumatize some poor stranger (like a train conductor or passengers) or riddle them with guilt.

    Having said that, you are asking for suitable methods for a 17 year old. It's the last thing you are going to want to hear, but there is the possibility for a lot of great things to happen and a lot of changes to occur after the age of 17. They can really be worth sticking around for if you really try to make something out of those years.

    I wasn't a terribly happy 17 year old but within a few years I was extremely happy that I had made it through to the 20s, and stayed that way for a long time.
  6. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    However you do it you are going to traumatize someone whether it be the driver of a vehicle or the person who discovers your body. Please think about this before you do anything. The fact you are posting about it here suggests you are not 100% sure. I hope you can find a better way of coping with things. Best wishes.S.
  7. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    forced to live. before the world took its toll on you; before you were capable of a worldly awareness, did you believe then that you were being forced to live by life itself? while you sat in front of the tv on a saturday morning with a bowl of cheerios as a child, did you wonder why life seemed to conspire against you? the very second before you decided you no longer wanted to live, did you even notice you were alive?

    life cant force anything upon you. life is not a what, its simply an is. we were all the same before we become aware of how the world truly works; all blank slates before the chalk. it takes people to change us, because the second youre conceived, life itself washes its hands of you. the same way life itself didnt change your outlook existence, it cant help you when you start to fail at coping with it. that too takes people, most importantly of all being the person you see when looking in the mirror.

    at 17, you owe it to yourself to experience more before you decide to waive your right to ever experience anything again. you must be feeling a great amount of sadness, but you must understand that your sadness will likely not end if you do, itll only be transfered to others. your need to end all self experience will turn into a terrible experience for someone else. if you feel like youre already part of a cycle of bad experiences, why not be the one to break that cycle? you may even save someone elses life in doing so.

    if you end it now, then youll never find out, and the cycle continues. if you truly were as steadfast in your need to die as you seem, then there wouldnt have been a part of you that wanted to come here for help. give it time, the only risk you run when opening yourself to help is receiving some.
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I know where you're at. I'm here if you need someone to talk to :hug:
  9. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    Are you happy now, though?

    I came here a year ago to argue about this because I thought I should get the input of people who disagreed with me. Almost all the people me killing myself would affect are people who have made me feel horrible anyway, so I honestly don't care if it hurts them. Besides, they will get over it. My closest friend would probably get over it in a few days. In the end, regardless of whether it will cause others to be upset, it's my life. If I don't want to exist, I shouldn't have to. I only mention my age because I don't have access to certain methods yet. I would rather die young than die when I'm slightly older and when no one will care anymore.
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. i've been there. currently there are maybe 6 people on the friggin PLANET that would care if i 'checked out'. 3 of them would be altered (for bad) forever (my mom. my 2 children. 11 and 16) 3 of them would be sad and get over it. my husband? he'd be so happy . . . it would be like winning the lottery.

    still. i have been where you are, and for whatever reason, i did not go through with it. i still think of it. and right now things are BAAAD in my life. horrible. i HURT. i do think about you, and i hope you 'hunker down' and get through one more day, one more dark night. you can always choose to 'check out'. but you can't choose to come BACK! anyway- hopefully i have not angered or upset you. i do care. i do care what happens to you.

    stay here with us and let's just all ride out the waves of pain, together. pain-surfing. hmm. nice ring to that. i am NOT making light of where you are. . . i am in so much pain too. . . . . but . . i think we could all help each other. i hope you stay. a whole bunch of people hope you will stay. talk to us. anytime. someone is always here. . . take good care of YOU!
  11. funkyfrog

    funkyfrog Member

    I want to pay you a compliment; you don't write like most 17 year olds. You appear both eloquent and intelligent and while, yes, this is an utterly shameless and blatant attempt to make you feel better, I hope you consider it something positive.

    I can't stop you taking your life, no more than anyone can here. Nor can I give you the logical steps necessary to get yourself to the point where you no longer wish to take your life, they differ for all. But I'll give you one start - write down with as much positivity as you can manage all the positive characteristics about yourself. I've already given you two, and I don't know you at all. Then next to it, with the same positivity, write down a list of names of people who care about you. Finally, pin the bit of paper somewhere you'll see it regularly, a mirror, door frame, bedside table. Each time you look at it, make a link between one name and one positive thing about you; eg your sister thinks you're funny. Try and add names and characteristics as you go. It worked for me, I hope it works for you too. It's a sobering reminder that life actually is worth living and people really do care.

    PM me if you want to chat further.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Astella,

    I know how you feel. I felt the same way for a long time. I just started therapy three weeks ago and already it's helping me enormously. Would you consider having therapy?

    Don't give up sweetie, you can get through this. :hug:
  13. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    To be honest, no I am not. But I had a good number of years that were well worth living and made it worth getting through the hard times before them, without question. Made incredible friends, had incredibe and fun experiences, saw a lot of things and places.

    I am unhappy now, but that is because of separate events that arose that were out of my control and can't simply be solved by working on bettering myself or my perspective.

    So in short, 100% glad and thankful that I toughed out the teen years.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Why is it that you want to end your life so badly astella? We're not allowed to discuss suicide methods here or else we get banned. :hug:
  15. scared!

    scared! New Member

    Not going to preach but just think of what it does to the ones you leave behind i have been left behind 2 times in the last 6 months and its not easy on us to go on with out our loved ones weather you think your loved or not you are
  16. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    funkyfrog, you'd be surprised at how little I'm good at. Not many people spend 10 hours a day on studying/homework/stressing to get below average grades.

    sweetheart, yeah, if I see a counselor before I kill myself. I told my mom I want to talk with a counselor about my lack of sleep a few weeks ago, so she's looking for one. I thought I might as well see one, if I live that long, which I probably will. Are there any laws in the United States regarding confidentiality and talking about wanting to kill yourself with counselors?

    mdmefontaine and pensive1981, under my circumstances, it's better for me to kill myself now than when I'm older. I've felt this way for years now, and I'm certain it's going to get worse, especially when I lose my last bits of support from friends.
  17. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Astella, is college a possibility? You're still at high school age. Things can really change over the summer after grade 12. The fresh start and clean slate most people get at 18 can do wonders for some people.
  18. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    And while you say your grades are below average, I agree with the earlier poster that you come across is intelligent and articulate, especially for 17. You do know there is a positive correlation between depression and intelligence, right? :)
  19. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. looking in on you. i agree with previous posters that you are very intelligent and articulate. grades do not always reflect intelligence, remember that.

    when you find a counselor (you said your mom is looking) ask them what their policy is on confidentiality. i did that with a counselor once. i think if you are a minor, they are bound by law (in some states..i am a u.s. citizen, just don't live there. ) to report this. not sure. so ask them "what ARE your confidentiality polices?"

    if you get treated for any illnesses, or depression, etc., , , it may help grades improve. if you go through school with no treatment, or inappropriate treatment, it is probably affecting the grades. you are obviously intelligent.

    there are also training programs for trades. if you don't want a traditional university education/setting/etc. hey. we care. hang on in with us :smile:
  20. astella

    astella Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm definitely going to a college if I live until that age. I'm taking the SAT this Saturday, but I've been two depressed to concentrate on my work for the past two weeks or so. Right now it's 1 am (I wake up at 5 to 5:30-ish) and I'm not even close to done with all my work.
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