I am half dead, should i keep waiting?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Jun 9, 2008.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    23 years old, no aducation, no freands, mental and physical issues, 2 parents, dad dosnt do shit for me and gave up on me long time ago.
    Mom is more like a slave of my dad.
    I dont recive any treatment becouse my dad dosnt want me to
    and i cant share my fealing with no one.
    My dad never listens to me
    My mom think that im lazy, even though i had a SA, she still says im lazy.

    If thay will find out that im sucidial thay will send me away, and blame
    me in all thairs problems, if i will try a SA again and fail, it will be better
    for me to let the country lock me in a mental health hospital then to come back home.
    But i cant alow myself to loose the only thing i got left, my freedom
    so if anyone will try to lock me somewhere, i sware i will go postal killing people

    I cant wait any longer, i have to do it, i have to finish it,
    and i have to make sure i will not
    fail, im a coward but i will find a way to overcome this.

    No one cares!
    No one will miss me
    Hell no one knows me, im like a shadow, like in a movie where you can
    see a kid sitting for years and years in a small locked room with 1 little window. This room is my life, and there is no escape
    Im trying to find a hope by looking on others threw this little window
    but deep in my mind i know i will never leave this room.

    I got my suicide plan already
    there is few high buildings near my home, thay are under construction
    so its easy to get on top of them.
    I just need to think when ill do it, night or day?
    at day there will be people who will see me and i dont think
    its a good idea, at night its hard becouse there is security stationed
    in the construction site.
    And im so scared about if there will be pain... :(
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please reconsider, and take whatever steps you can to be safe. there was a news story of a guy in nyc who survived a fall from over 40 stories up (he was a windowcleaner) - i say this so that you might remember that no method is foolproof.

    you sound very entangled with your parents and their lives. do you know this book called "toxic parents" -- maybe it might help. are you working? having your own paycheque is a good way to start feeling more independent... and as you feel more independent maybe you could seek professional help without your parents knowledge or consent.

    you say nobody cares, but i do, even though we've never met. there is only one of you, and you are unique in your experiences and outlook. this experience of depression that has caused so much pain to you, has, on the positive side, given you unique compassion and insight into the suffering of others.

    please don't give up.
  3. RememberLove

    RememberLove Member

    Why dont you go back to school? There must be something you can do to take a graduation even for adults? You will get to learn new people when you get out more and work up to a friendship...

    You can get treatment without your dads opinion, thats the great thing of being an adult. You gotta get out of your room sweetie!!

  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I cant, the only way i can get back to school is if ill recive at least some basic treatment, but there is none in this country, there is no such thing as mental health.
    I cant work eather, my depression is strong and when i force my self to ignore it, it become like x10 times stronger and i loose controll.

    i know that indapandance is a great boost, but i cant work and i cant
    recive soclial support becouse in this country, thay dont count depression
    as something people recive social support for.

    I feel realy bed right now, im complitly destroyed from the inside
    i have to get some sleep now, ill talk to you all tommorow :(
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i don't know if you are anywhere near kiev, but please check out the 'Friends Union' -they look to be a peer support group for people recovering from mental illness - a little bit of info is here - http://www.hamlet-trust.org.uk/ukraineframe.html - perhaps you can email them? at the very least, please know that you are not alone as you struggle with these feelings. c.
  6. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you feel trapped like this. If you cannot leave your parents - because no matter what they aren't helping you improve your life right now - then you should stand your ground as much as possible with your parents and demand that they help you with your needs, and you should seek the help of other people, don't miss an opportunity to make friends who can help you with your life. Working sucks, I know, but there are many different jobs you can do without education and that maybe you can do without becoming to depressed to work. Developing any skills you have could help. I know your life is difficult and its no small matter to be depressed but you need to realize that your life is just beginning and there are still opportunities out there that you can take.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with dazzle...:chopper:
  8. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Thanks i sent them email, hope thay will answare.
    I feel like a freaking zombie, i am totaly destroyed from inside
    i cant eat, my dayle meal is 1 sendwich, and thats it.
    Sometime i just forget about eating...
    I smoke tons of cigarettes, and i feel like shit becouse of that
    If there is hell, im in it right now.
  9. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I sent 2 emails to 2 adresses, both returend with error
    that there is no such adress.
    Now i know how to send emails and i use gmail, so the problem
    is not on my side, i think the support group is dead, no one there
    to answare me.. i lost any hope i had...
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey sorry the emails bounced. i will try and find out more info about the groups and will PM you when i hear back. (ps i am trained as a librarian.... that's what i do... find info for folks). please try to hang on, c.
  11. subt

    subt Member

    if your still alive please reply because i have some questions to ask you 1 on 1 before you jump off the buliding

    if you dont reply, all i have to say is...

    sorry you got screwed in your 1 chance at life...... and someone has to be an example, but we cant all be the positive end of it though:(
  12. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    yes im still here, becouse im a shity coward..
  13. subt

    subt Member

    im a coward like you lol :(

    my main question is though, why do you want your suicide method to be by jumping off a building? just out of curiosity :)
  14. subt

    subt Member

    well no answer yet so ill give you a couple hints

    1. just get a hard had and some safety glasses and no matter where you are on the job site.. no one will question you during the day.

    2. if anyone asks just say you're an engineer checking progress on the job.

    i work in construction and t heres always a shitload of new faces on the job its hard to keep track.

    but before you go can you play answer why you want to jump off a building as opposed to other suicide methods?
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