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I am hesitant to open up.....why?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Sep 27, 2008.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I've been on these forums for over three years now, since I first entered college and have made little to no progress here, just like at my school (non-academically I mean). Its been such a long time and I've done nothing here and its quite frustrating. :sad:

    But I have nobody to blame but myself. I just am not able to get in the chat room and make SF friends, PM them, open up about my problems and why I want to commit about suicide, etc. My problems aren't as bad as many others here (at least not yet).

    I also feel that there's too many people here, more joining every day and so I am just a small fish in a huge ocean. I cannot get the attention I would like, but I am not even trying to open up so its doesn't really matter. And as said before, others here are in more immediate danger and resources should go to them first. I think about suicide but haven't attempted yet. Though I feel that it can only get worse in the near future and I will try to attempt. I bet I'll screw it up and then maybe really get some help. But its much better to get it fixed now before it can get any worse of course.

    I see from my past threads I've made that I'm a broken record, I only delve in a little bit of my problems but never give the full story, it feels like I am teasing, but I am having trouble opening up and making the most of this forum. I've barely used it to my advantage and I can tell this really is a great place to find comfort.

    Anyone else having this issue??? It feels like I am the only one and everyone else on these forums can easily say what bothers them and their already on step 1 on a hopeful road to recovery.

    There's so many people that have committed suicide and they had a lot of friends and resources to help them. You wonder why they did it then? But they were hesitant because its so taboo, they'd never want their loved ones to find out about it, the shame it would bring. It applies to me too as well. I've told my dad about it but sometimes he thinks I am only trying to get attention and then he goes off and tells my mom. I can never tell him a secret, even though if my child was thinking of suicide, I'd probably tell my wife. Ah, its so confusing at times. I have this all mostly bottled up inside me and nobody can know about it.

    My parents think my depression has gotten a lot better, maybe even gone away. But its only because I've stopped telling them I am depressed, whats the point? My dad has offered to take me to a psychologist/psychiatrist again but I refused and he got quite upset with me. I feel there is no point to it. Or maybe I will wait to get help until I have gained full independence (that alone scares me a lot, I've been far too pampered and babied for my age, its very embarrassing!!)

    Its such a good and bad thing to survive a suicide attempt also. Bad in that usually now everyone knows your secret of depression and they will all look at you differently, like a complete freak. I'm quite sure if I attempt, I will most likely fail and end up in that horrible, shameful and embarrassing situation.

    Thank you for reading this and all the comments/advice you can give me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2008
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Problems, especially emotional / mental ones, can be on-going and persistant, or they can come in waves, cycles etc. Although this is a safe haven for some, it can seem like exactly what it is at times: A vast forum, with many many threads about how people feel. People who you, I, don't know from Adam.
    Anonymity is a gift in some situations, but it can also be a curse..
    While it may be hard to open up here, if you wish to, then give it another go - it may help this time around. If it doesn't, then you've lost nothing, if it does, then you'll gained a lot :)
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I feel like that at times. It's hard knowing that you've been here for a while and haven't gotten any better, but you also have to know that a forum alone can't make your problems go away, the forum can only offer you support and advice.

    You shouldn't compare your problems to others' problems, everyone is of equal value and everyone deserves support. If it's any help, you can PM me anytime.

    Like I said before, EVERYONE deserves the same amount of support. I understand that feeling, feeling like you want someone to realize that you do need help, whether or not you talk about your problems. And it doesn't matter if you haven't attempted, you're here, and you've thought about it, that's reason enough to give you support.

    It's okay that you haven't gone completely into your problems, everyone does at their own pace. It all has to do with feeling comfortable enough to talk about them.

    The subject of suicide is quiet confusing. And I'm sure it's even more confusing for your parents. They probably want to just make you feel better, and they don't know how to deal with it, or go about helping you, so they brush it off like you just want attention. Your dad probably told your mom because he's worried. And I definitely understand the bottled up feeling, you're not alone with that.

    It sounds like your dad does really care, and he got frustrated because he's trying to help you. If you feel like getting help after you've moved out or whatever, then by all means, go ahead and do that.

    Generally, after you attempt, your family realizes that you do need help, and that they can't continue to brush it under the rug.

    But anyway, again, if you want to talk, my PM box is open. :hug:
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I really can't talk to my parents about my depression. At least for my dad, all it does is just tire him, strain him, its a pain for him to listen to me all the time going on like a broken record about the same things. I guess I don't have much "credibility" because I haven't harmed myself yet, its all so far just been talk. He said that its better to talk to him than a psychiatrist but its a waste talking to him, it just wastes his time and drains his energy.

    He has just told me that he is willing to pay for me to get some help, at least while he's still working and has health insurance. I feel like it will just be a waste of time as with my previous one I visited 2.5 years ago, I also couldn't open up. But depression also tells you that everything is useless and you have to kill yourself, it removes your hope.

    I think I may have to finally write a diary or journal. I just came back from a party and am quite depressed and crying at how much of a freak I am in social situations. My dad thinks I am just way too sensitive, maybe I am, I can't tell if he is right or I am right, I don't have an impartial third party to verify that.

    This doesn't happen often, when I get depressed a lot and start crying but its just happened now after that damned party.

    I don't have what it takes to survive in this world. I don't think I should regret my birth, I wasn't a loser from the start but sure as hell am now. And I feel that since I've been a loser and freak for so long compared to other people, its really hard to change now.

    I wish I could be absolutely certain that I CANNOT commit suicide and so from now on, will try to get help. But I do feel that I will commit suicide eventually, most likely after I move out of my parents place in the cruel cruel world with my messed up mind unable to handle being out of the nest.

    I really do feel like I'm a broken record and always whining and saying the same things. It certainly annoys my dad, after the party I feel that everyone hates me. I hope I'm not annoying or angering you guys. :unsure:

    So I can't use this forum alone, to get better, I have to use this forum in combination with medication, seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, that's what you must mean right???

    I haven't even used the forum that much either, I should really get into the chat room more, PM people and reply to their PMs, I dunno why I do not.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2008
  5. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    You aren't annoying anyone from what I can see. And if you think a diary'll work for you, go for it. :)

    You don't have to use it with any psychiatric help if you want, I'm just saying that the forum itself won't help you get better fully. It might help make some things easier to deal with, but that isn't making it all better.
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    What would you recommend me doing to get fully better then?
  7. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I dunno. :eek:hmy: Only you can judge that for yourself. Maybe the forum alone could help you, I was just basing it on what I've seen and experienced.
  8. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    A diary or journal might help you to be able to open up more. I know I am much better at writing my feelings and thoughts down than saying them. My diary is a massive mess, but the bits and pieces of writing I sometimes take to my therapist, and then it's easier to talk about them, as I never would've raised them as points without. It also helps me to just get my feelings in order, as my head is often such a muddle.

    Again, the PM box is open.
  9. underthestars

    underthestars Active Member

    I know how you feel. My parents act the same way and it hurts. My mom just brushes it off like its nothing. Psychology really didnt help me either.

    "I wasn't a loser from the start but sure as hell am now. And I feel that since I've been a loser and freak for so long compared to other people, its really hard to change now."(I'm not sure how to quote things from other posts...sorry!")

    I know that feeling to and i dont know how to deal with it either. I'm just doing the best i can with what i have.

    And definetly try the journal thing. Even if you just sit at your computer and type. It helps me to get it all out.
  10. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I guess the first thing I should do is make a journal, write down my thoughts so I can be more prepared to talk about it here on SF or to a psychologist or anyone else that can help me.

    I'm sure that for you guys that have a journal, reading your past entries can sometimes embarrass you a lot? I read my past posts and threads here on SF and they embarrass me a lot, I keep repeating the same things over again, but I never go in detail of my problems. I hope I can stop procrastinating on this journal idea. :mellow:
  11. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    I have something similar - it can be really hard for me to actually talk about what my real problems and sufferings are on a more concrete and direct basis. I find it so much easier to float about them or talk more abstractly and I have to make the effort to be otherwise and feel uneasy with it. I chalk it up to shame. Rereading past threads and posts always embarrass me - I cringe at myself - although I don't cringe at other people.
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