I am hoarding my sleeping pills

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Valteron, Dec 21, 2008.

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  1. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    I know we are not allowed to discuss methods, but I have been <Mod edit - methods> now. First, I manage to get by on just <Mod edit - methods> most nights, and secondly, the pharmacist made a mistake and is giving me <Mod edit - methods> every month instead of the <Mod edit - methods> he is supposed to. I have said nothing and just get <Mod edit - methods> days (the pharmacy does not quibble about asking for a monthly prescription to be filled after 25 days). So I now have <Mod edit- methods> away, although I don't know if that is a lethal dose. And they make it DAMNED hard to find out.

    Why do I do it? Because it gives me a feeling of security to know I have that "escape button" I can press if life gets too much. Or for example, if I find out I have untreatable cancer, I am not going to a hospital where they "manage" your pain. That word "manage" scares the hell out of me. You can be in torment for a year before you die, as long as you don't scream loud enough to disturb the nurses, I suppose.

    I want to have that option. It is my life and my decision, and nobody is going to take it from me with their shiny-happy bullshit.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2008
  2. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    ODing is rather unreliable - says me from experience. I took about the lethal dose and came out unscathed. If you take those pills, you may very well wake up in hospital with a broken kidney/liver and worse off than you were before.

    The fact you haven't taken them yet is a testament to the fact you still have something to live for. Build on it.
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    As Lovecraft said, you're probably just going to damage your kidneys or liver by overdosing and that will make your life many times more miserable than it already is.
  4. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    First, I intend to combine the <Mod edit - methods >.

    Second, the fact that I haven't taken them yet does not prove anything. In the next few months I can accumulate another 100 using this method. The idea that someone who has not done something "by now" does not really want to do that thing is not a logical conclusion. For example, John really wants to get rid of his old refrigerator and get a new one. But he has not done it after months of talking about it. Are we necessarily to conclude that he really does not want to get rid of his fridge? Might it be a question of his needing to save the money, or being too busy, or waiting for a sale?

    I admit that something is holding me back, but the thing holding me back is my bloody cowardice. I keep looking at a picture of a group of Japanese who got together with a burning hibachi in a room and they are all dead on the floor. One handsome young man is sooo serene, so beautiful lying there with his face in an expression of peace. He reminds me of a Japanese plum blossom on the ground, delicate and beautiful. I can look at the picture for hours, envying him, wishing I could be him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2008
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, Valteron,

    You are right that we don't allow detailed discussion of methods on the forum.

    Honestly, I'd much rather offer a person support to get through a hard time than to some day read here that they suicided.

    I don't know your whole story - if you are anxious about your health and life in general or if you are actually unwell and awaiting a diagnosis, or if you've got a diagnosis and are awaiting results from a check up. Those can be difficult times.

    I've done the waiting for a diagnosis and it was hell - tense, frightening and full of the worst scenarios I could imagine. (BTW, I was fine.) But hun, I learned that until we get the results, all the anxiety and worrying just makes us feel bad, it doesn't help or change anything. It's better, if we can, to carry on our lives in our usual fashion/routine as much as we can instead of worrying.

    You're on meds, so I assume you have a doc/p-doc/therapist. Do you discuss your anxiety with them? For medical issues, the doc and p-doc can be reassuring as they can tell you stats about how realistic your anxiety/worries may be. A therapist can be a good person to siphon off some of the remaining anxiety, because just talking about what we fear can help us to let go of it for a bit.

    I'm sorry that you find yourself so anxious that you feel you need to have some sort of plan "just in case". How about posting here on SF or sending me a PM me any time to let out your feelings instead of "having a plan"?

    BTW, I've heard that 97% of the things we worry about DON'T happen. The 3% that do happen are things we can't control anyway. I hope that helps you to worry less. :hug:
  6. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    This is very true.

    The chances of dying from an OD of prescription drugs(especially sleeping pills) are slim at best. People's individual drug tolerances vary widely. The lethal dose for 1 person might have only mildly unpleasant effects on another person. there's no way to really know what effect a certain quantity of a drug will have on you. While taking shit loads of pills most likely won't kill you(unless you're at the very low end of the tolerance curve), the possibility of doing permanent damage to your health is very likely. Attempting to OD is not very smart at all and not worth the risks. Dont try this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2008
  7. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    Thank you Alexpt. I hope your Avatar showing Jesus is meant to be sarcastic, because if you are a Christian, I have to tell you that your religion of guilt and self-hatred is one of the forces that ruined my life by its brainwashing in childhood. See my answer to the moderator for more specific information.
  8. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    I am not waiting for a diagnosis. I am closely monitored with annual check-ups and for a man of almost 61 I am in great health. I run an hour on the treadmill daily and do bodybuilding at the gym, and most people say "I thought you were 50!".

    My spouse and I have the equivalent of 75,000 British pounds a year in Canadian funds, two cars, a luxury condo in the city and a country house that we built ourselves. We have a stable relationship that has lasted 32 years. We take cruises on the Queen Mary. Next July we are going to Germany on the QM2 where I will improve my German with two weeks of study in Berlin. I have a university degree, speak 3 languages, and I can earn $500 a day whenever I choose as an interpreter. I work about 100 days a year, have a generous pension in addition to my interpreting revenues, and I get the entire summer and a month around Chrsitmas as free time.

    So why am I saying all this? Am I bragging? No!!!! What I am trying to explain is that under it all, nothing will ever change the fact that I feel like an undeserving piece of shit. I can never feel that anything I accomplish or receive, no matter how hard I work for it, is ever deserved. I can never feel good about myself, no matter what. If anything, good things that happen to me do nothing more than reinforce my feelings of unworthiness, and my dread and anxiety that it will all turn to shit because I am undeserving.

    To the outside observer I am one of the luckiest buggers around. Inside I feel like shit, and the more nice things happen to me, the more I am afraid.

    My brain was hard-wired to hate me in childhood by nuns and priests who beat me for things I had not done and by the fucking guilt-trip Catholic religion that made me believe I was evil and undeserving. You know how priests say that if you give them a child at 5 he will be theirs forever? They are not kidding.

    But most of all, the major influence was my older brother who constantly abused me (emotionally, not physically) by making me feel guilty, worthless, useless and insecure every day of my childhood.

    For many years I tried alcohol for relief, but in 1990 I joined AA and I have been100% sober since. But that does not change the way my brain is programmed.

    I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists by the truckload. They have all noted my inferiority/guilt complex, but none of them have been able to help me.

    The anxiety pills I take do calm me down, but they also make me dead inside and take away my sex drive. So I have a choice to be a zombie or an anxiety-ridden mental case.

    I have seriously cut down on the anxiety pills, but when I do, the fear comes out one way or another. Right now I feel as if I had a toothache in every tooth. TWO dentists have told me that there is nothing wrong except that I am tooth-grinding, probably both at night and in the day, because of stress. Stress about WHAT??? That is just the point. About nothing but the fact that my life is just fine.

    What do you do with a radio that is hard-wired to work badly? You take an axe to it and throw it in the garbage.

    I appreciate that you want to help, my Polyanna/Mary Poppins friend. But can you not have a sufficiently open mind to admit that for some people the blessed peace of death might be a legitimate option? I would never preseume to tell YOU whether it is right for you or not, because that would be arrogant of me, since I have not lived in your skin. But that works both ways, does it not?
  9. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    I'm about as christian as they come sir. Ask anyone who knows me here, they can vouch for that. I may as well be the f-ing pope. :laugh:

  10. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or not.

    If you ARE Christian, then you and your f-ked up religion are largely responsible for the way I am, so if you are a Christian, I would invite you to f-ck off and leave me alone, because you have done enough already. If your God exists (which I sincerely doubt, but let's just say he does) then he will have my sorry ass to fry in his torture chamber called Hell soon enough without you butting in.
  11. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member


    No need to jump down my throat. I thought my sarcasm was apparent, but obviously I was mistaken. YES! I was only joking, I'm about as far from a christian as is humanly possible. Closer to the anti-christ in fact lol.

    And YES, my avatar is meant to be a sarcastic jab at christians who try to convert others to their way of thinking.

    I'm starting to think I need to change this avatar. Certainly wasnt meant for people to think I'm trying to push christianity down there throats. Its pretty ironic if thats how its being taken by most actually, seeing as how I'm probably the embodiment of almost everything Jesus would be against. :laugh:
  12. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Please don't OD. It's so unreliable and can have nasty long term effects if it goes wrong. :hug:
  13. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    Sorry, mate. Didn't mean to snap at you like that. But as I look back at the process that made me the fucked-up, guilt-ridden, self-hating person I am today, that made it impossible for me to be happy in life, I realize to what extent the fucked-up Catholic cult of guilt and mind-control contributed to that (with enormous help from my bully of a big brother, who btw was the darling of the priests who taught at our high scchool because he conformed soooo well to their bullshit.
  14. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    Please don't worry about me, Lena. While we are not allowed to discuss methods or the Moderator will swoop down like Big Brother, I can tell you that I have researched methods and multiple methods to ensure success.
  15. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I did an OD on sleeping pills, and had the shits for 2 weeks. I also have very little tolerance. I once had a 3hr operation and woke up before I got out of the operating theatre, heard a comment I haven't seen that before.
  16. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    As I said, I would use multiple means to make sure I did not botch it. But what are you saying about the operation? That the OD made you less able to remain under anesthetic? Sorry, but I don't quite understand what you are saying. What does the part about . . . "head a comment. . . . mean. I don't mean to be rude, but I just don't understand.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Please don't do it Valerton. :hug:
  18. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Valteron the operation was something completely different, that happened years ago. What I am trying to say that even anaesthetists get it wrong. My anaesethic wore off while I was still in the operating theatre, they are supposed to be experts. I heard someone in the theatre say "I haven't seen that happen before" as they were wheeling me out. You also have to consider if someone happens to find you before you are done, because then you will end off worse. Had this happen to me too.
  19. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you were conditioned to feel as you do while you ere a child. Because of this do you place unrealistic expectations on yourself? You should not feel guilty when good things happen to you, but if you are conditioned otherwise it is easy for me to say but nearly imposible for you to accept. Marcia Linehan speaks about something called radical acceptance. This is a skill of learning to accept things as they are, not as we perceive them to be. It sounds to men that this may be a place that you have difficulty. To be honest I do too, but in the areas I have been able to do this, I have felt differently about things. Not easy work by any means. I hope you are able to see a shift in your thinking so the future does not seem so unbearable.
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