I am hurting today... but I will get by.

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Sorry I have not been on in a while. I have just kind of closed up and shut everyone out.

It is another day... God wants me to live... so others can be free of suicide and depression... but who is there for me? At least you are... you are my closest family... you are my closest kin.

It is very hot in here. I have to log off to keep from overheating my system.

For those who know me... I am in counseling... but the sessions are failing. I missed them today... I just could not get myself out of bed to go.


Account Closed
things usually have a way of falling apart and failing before we reform our approach. it part of all that passes and all that comes. that moment of change. in the way that i have come to see the world.


Well-Known Member
Well at least you can come here.... to see your family..... my closest friends all exist on the net... where they cannot see hear or smell me.... and vice versa... the only way that I can know a person... sad but it is better than nothing I guess.....

I don't want to encourage you to stop consueling... but if it is not working you should try to find something else... the question is do you want the counseling to work... most of my friends tell me that you have to want it for it to work....

Suffering in the hot sucks... I hope that it cools down and you can get some rest.


Let me share with you a classic example of my family trying to beat me down. I am due to go on a planned trip to S. Africa to meet someone that I been wanting to meet for 6 years. I can't afford to go there but Rudi is nice and is going to help pay my way to go. It would be a chance to get some much needed relief.

Read it from bottom up. Understand both Rudi and I are Christians. No offense to those of you who are gay or bisexual. The point is we have are share of problems too and those of you who are cutters may assist.

I am overweight due to a car accident. I got metal in both legs. Alex totally went overboard to tear me down. Good thing Rudi is a person of character.


Heck, maybe I took it the wrong way and I don't want to stir things up between your family and you. Your family is keeping tabs on you and that's a good thing, isn't it? BUT they want you to go back to work and stop spunging,,, my question is then: Why don't they ask for forgiveness and repent of their ways? Why did your brother choose to be gay? Wasn't that an outcome of the way he was treated as a child? Not that I am blaming the circumstances because in the end YOU choose. Still it does have a huge impact. He faced his problems in a different way.

This is what I wrote to your brother after receiving his snail mail:

Ideal·Supplies <[email protected]> wrote:
Hi Alex

Thank you for your kind letter. I only received it today. Jonathan will be
coming end of November for his visit to South Africa. We have decided to
extend the date because of what you said...he waited for his passport and I
need to save up some money for his tickets.

We've known each other since end of 2000 and I can't wait to finally meet
him. Despite what he had to go through in his life - he is still a great
guy and the Lord has magnificent plans for him.

I really want to spoil him and bless him. Yeah, maybe he will love it so
much and even stay here!! I don't mind at all. We will take loads of photos
and I will save it all on a cd/dvd for him to show off when he goes back
home... I will also keep you informed and up to date of the happenings and
let him phone you or Allison when he arrives here.

My details:

<mod edit: bunny - personal details>

Have a great day!

Rudi Haggard

This is what your brother wrote in reply to my email: I underline stuff in red that I didn't like very much...maybe his attitude, but like you said: he was just looking out for you.

Thank you for your kind reply.

Please only contact my sister if he needs emergency money or has had some unexpected issues with the law ?? or health issues (i.e. hospitalization...). Everybody in my family tells me to let Jonathan make his own decisions and developing this trait is more important that what the outcome may/may not be. (i.e. making dumb decisions are o.k. I guess). So, you don't have to inform us of anything. I think Jonathan would get upset if we were talking behind his back, you know.

Jonathan is well liked by children and is a good salesman. He has thus far missed his calling in life for that, in my opinion. I don't see him living in S. Africa, but yes, he definately needs a change from his daily routine. He's been living in Columbus since I was 12 yrs old or something and hasn't picked up much steam (improved financially).

What we want from Jonathan is sanity, to get back to work, etc. He has idle dreams of travelling which on others expense, which my father is upset by. I know you want to treat him and I honor and thank you for wishing to provide him with the best.

If he does make it down to S. Africa, please make sure he is aware of traffic conditions. He isn't the most allert these days and I know things are different on your end of the pond (Atlantic). I lived in England and know how dangerous the traffic can be for an American - literally life threatenting. (driving on opposite sides, roundabouts, high speed drivers (maniacs), rounding corners out of nowhere...literally unsafe drivers everywhere.)

Um, don't be alarmed when you see the layer-upon-layer of scars on his arms. He has hurt himself many times to "release pain", he says.

I gave him a luggage thingy on wheels with a pull-out handle and a little pair of binoculars for the plane trip and any wildlife he may encounter.

You do know he's a large fellow? He moves slow (even if this is true, SO WHAT!!) as a turtle sometimes, especially when having to get out of a chair or car...not that he's handicapped or anything. Just a "heads-up" (for your info.).

I hope he gets to see an elephant or giraffe or something. I know he would love a safari ride! Really!

Best wishes to you and your counterparts.


Alex C. Ante
<mod edit: bunny - personal details>


How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messenger’s low PC-to-Phone call rates.
----- Original Message -----
From: Jonathan Ante
To: Rudi Haggard
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2006 6:53 PM
Subject: Forwarding the message Alex sent me. I trust you more than I do him. I just wanted you to be informed.

I did not insult him at all. I did not tell him not to let you visit him. I gave him Alison's phone number in case if you needed money in an emergency or were hospitalized for some reason. It was in your best interests. I did tell him about your scars and not to be alarmed by it when he meets you. You know you have to explain that to him at some point, I just wanted him to know in advance so he doesn't think you're a hoodlum.

If you didn't want me emailing him, which I will not do again, obviously...the truth is too much for either of you to handle...then don't give out his address to me or whomever. You know I've already shared this with Alison.

Just being honest. I AM YOUR BROTHER and was thinking (although maybe a bit too honestly) of your best interests. I even asked him if he could take you on a Safari.

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Hey hun, it's really good to hear from you although I was hoping for a more happier post. :hug: I'm sorry counseling isn't going too well but don't give up. you've come so far and we are here for you. I'm here for you. It's good that you're going to meet your friend in a few months, that's something to look forward to, yup? I think it would be a good idea to remove the addresses from the e-mails, for personal reasons and such because these forums are viewable by anyone. But take care of yourself, stay strong, and remember we are here. :hug:


I went to therapy today. This is what I was told with how to deal with this situation. I think everyone can learn a thing or two from it.

I talked about it with my LISW yesterday. His name is John Paulson. He says there are boundary issues I need to work on. He gave me four suggestions.

1. He tells me to not tell everyone everything and that I should evaluate a person's level of interest and caring before opening up to them. Hence... Alex is an asshole.

2. He says that I should not go against my values or rights to please others. Hence values are not something negotiable in a relationship.

3. I need to become aware of how others displaying inappropriate boundaries. People who try to get too close to me too soon. It allows me to fall and get eaten by predators. I tend to be a bit gullible.

4. I need to start noticing when others invade my boundaries. When someone is overly helpful, tries to make decisions for me, and does not consult me with regards to any commitments.

Number 4 is a great biggie with me. Alex tends to do all that. He is a controller and an manipulator and he gets this from our parents.


Staff Alumni
Hi Jonathan...as others have said, good to hear from you but wish it was under better circumstances...you sound like you have a trait i do...i am a marshmellow...I hide my emotions but on the inside melt...hope you can take some time away after all, and please continue to let us know how you are doing...and btw, of course i have made more posts if you want to further analyze me...you were pretty insightful the last time...big hugs, Jackie
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