Extreme self harming.. trigger Firstly, I try and make sure I don't swear too much on threads, but right now I need to get this out, I hope the swearing doesn't bother you too much. It's christmas next week. I can't wait until it's over. I refused to go to my mothers until after christmas, refused to go to my grandparents today, I told them I was ill and that I'd be down to stay overnight on monday. I made a big step on Wednesday. I was talking to a school nurse (I only found out we had a school nurse the day before) and I really really tried to talk about how sad I am. I showed her my arm, I didn't feel even feel ashamed about it, I just knew she had to see it so she knew where I was mentally. I'm not coping at all, I can't cope. I want christmas over with. I've got nobody anymore. I won't see my sister until February, I'm not with my parents. If you've seen my previous posts my dad is dead (3 years) and my mother threw me out several months ago and we struggle to get along. I smashed some glass from a picture frame and cut my arm in a few different areas, I keep thinking about it, I keep wanting to do it over and over until I'm not alive anymore. I keep thinking about going into school, locking myself in one of the stalls and killing myself. I've been dreaming of my dad lately, last night I dreamt I was staring into the mirror and I had cutting scars all over my face, and they started opening when I touched them. I just want to grab the glass and cut and cut until my face is a bloody mess. I'm not sleeping well, I just can't sleep, and when I do sleep I sleep for hours and hours. I'm eating less, I've eaten about 10 little biscuits and chances are that's all I'll have today. Crackers, bits of cheese and some biscuits is all I eat. I only drink coca cola because there are 2 litre bottles downstairs and every day I get 1 and bring them upstairs so I don't have to go back down again. I don't brush my hair, I don't get changed, I don't brush my teeth. I'm sitting in the same clothes I've sat in since I broke up from school. I used to self harm because I needed the release. Now I do it because I'm in so much pain I need to injure my body, I feel like I deserve all this. Nobody takes it seriously, the teacher remarks that they're quite deep and they look "angry" and gives me some stuff to clean them with. She asked me if I self harmed in the school because when she went into the bathroom to talk to me I had dried blood all over my hands. If you have any idea what England is like, you know they do fuck all. A doctors appointment can take up to a month, and as it's christmas I won't be able to see them until next year. A hospital appointment can take between 5-6 months. I'm supposed to see CAMHS next year, but that could take a few months. If my family find out I've self harmed they told me that they'd throw me out, and they would, they made it very clear they won't tolerate any shit from me. Luckily the mental health nurse said that since I'm almost 16 and I'm "mature" there are ways that they can stop my guardians finding out, it's some kind of scale or something, if you are at a certain point they consider you an adult. I called childline and mentined about how many painkillers I've been taking, the man on the phone threatened to call the police on me because I was "endangering my life". I had to lie about play dumb and promise to call back the next day. I know better now, if my family find out I'll go into a care home, nobody else will let me stay with them. I am alone, I have nothing. All I keep thinking about every day is overdosing and cutting until I can't continue. (Mod edit methods.) I am so tired I've had 1 friend in my entire life who eventually treated me like a ***** and offered me money for stuff, threatened to go with prostitutes and showed me pictures of them, I cut contact and now I am completely alone. I have nothing, nobody to talk to. I'm alone, not even my uncle can be bothered listening to me anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate this, I see people who don't self harm, have friends but have anxiety issues like me get psychiatric help, psychiatric help!!! My anxiety is so bad I drip with sweat just walking to the shop, I can't bare the thought of busy transport and would walk 3 hours in the rain in a pair of shorts and thin t-shirt rather than get a 15 minute bus ride that had teenagers on. I am covered in scars, 100's of them, white, red, purple and pink, everyone knows I have them, everone has seen every cut on my arm, they saw me shave half my fucking hair off and cut my own fucking face and did fuck all. I told the teachers, the counsellors, I told so many fucking people and I never ever got fucking help, I was always "too clever" for fucking help. God I'm crying now, I hate this. I've been like this for years and I've been screamed at for a teacher for coming into school bleeding covered in deep self harm cuts whilst I've seen her be far nicer to other students who have less severe self injuries and don't do it to the degree I do it. I've even been partially blamed for somehow influencing some stupid fucking girl into cutting herself because she felt her cuts weren't as bad as mine and she wanted to have an arm like mine. (Old teacher) And you know what, I'm fucking tired of them all. They all act like I'm this clever fucking robot who can cope with everything and I'm not, nobody ever fucking listens and now I can't fucking say a thing verbally because my mother drummed and drummed it into me not to tell the authority anything, so the few times I can get over this panic I am always cast aside. I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of saying that you know, because I always end up lying in bed, cutting or crying or sleeping and making myself eat later on and make myself take care of myself. I have to talk to myself for a fucking hour at times just to get up and tidy the room up if it's messy, or to do something else productive. I even have to talk to convince myself to go to the bathroom to urinate because I am so depressed I'd rather just lie in bed in the complete darkness than get out of bed. And apparently I don't have depression, I'm just "hormonal" or "a teenager" among other things. I'm aware how long this is. I suppose there isn't much people can say. I usually feel guilty here because I've seen some of the other posts and feel bad for wasting peoples time who read this and clogging up the forum with my bullshit. I suppose my "I'll try to moderate my language" didn't pan out so great. I'm going to sleep, if I don't I'll end up cutting myself and when my hands are so bloody I can't see my own skin colour, when the blood has dripped right down my arms, I'll be thinking about cutting my own throat out with the jaggered end of the glass. Best to just sleep and hope that I feel a bit better after I've slept, or at least I've lied in the darkness for an hour or so in silence, just trying not to think. I really am sorry about this, I feel ashamed that I'm not deleting this and instead posting it. I feel like such a stupid, juvenile attention seeker, wasting everyones time.