I am in a very, very bad place right now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Dec 20, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Extreme self harming.. trigger

    Firstly, I try and make sure I don't swear too much on threads, but right now I need to get this out, I hope the swearing doesn't bother you too much.

    It's christmas next week. I can't wait until it's over. I refused to go to my mothers until after christmas, refused to go to my grandparents today, I told them I was ill and that I'd be down to stay overnight on monday.

    I made a big step on Wednesday. I was talking to a school nurse (I only found out we had a school nurse the day before) and I really really tried to talk about how sad I am. I showed her my arm, I didn't feel even feel ashamed about it, I just knew she had to see it so she knew where I was mentally. I'm not coping at all, I can't cope. I want christmas over with.

    I've got nobody anymore. I won't see my sister until February, I'm not with my parents. If you've seen my previous posts my dad is dead (3 years) and my mother threw me out several months ago and we struggle to get along.

    I smashed some glass from a picture frame and cut my arm in a few different areas, I keep thinking about it, I keep wanting to do it over and over until I'm not alive anymore. I keep thinking about going into school, locking myself in one of the stalls and killing myself. I've been dreaming of my dad lately, last night I dreamt I was staring into the mirror and I had cutting scars all over my face, and they started opening when I touched them. I just want to grab the glass and cut and cut until my face is a bloody mess. I'm not sleeping well, I just can't sleep, and when I do sleep I sleep for hours and hours. I'm eating less, I've eaten about 10 little biscuits and chances are that's all I'll have today. Crackers, bits of cheese and some biscuits is all I eat. I only drink coca cola because there are 2 litre bottles downstairs and every day I get 1 and bring them upstairs so I don't have to go back down again.
    I don't brush my hair, I don't get changed, I don't brush my teeth. I'm sitting in the same clothes I've sat in since I broke up from school.

    I used to self harm because I needed the release. Now I do it because I'm in so much pain I need to injure my body, I feel like I deserve all this.
    Nobody takes it seriously, the teacher remarks that they're quite deep and they look "angry" and gives me some stuff to clean them with. She asked me if I self harmed in the school because when she went into the bathroom to talk to me I had dried blood all over my hands.

    If you have any idea what England is like, you know they do fuck all. A doctors appointment can take up to a month, and as it's christmas I won't be able to see them until next year. A hospital appointment can take between 5-6 months. I'm supposed to see CAMHS next year, but that could take a few months. If my family find out I've self harmed they told me that they'd throw me out, and they would, they made it very clear they won't tolerate any shit from me.
    Luckily the mental health nurse said that since I'm almost 16 and I'm "mature" there are ways that they can stop my guardians finding out, it's some kind of scale or something, if you are at a certain point they consider you an adult.

    I called childline and mentined about how many painkillers I've been taking, the man on the phone threatened to call the police on me because I was "endangering my life". I had to lie about play dumb and promise to call back the next day. I know better now, if my family find out I'll go into a care home, nobody else will let me stay with them.

    I am alone, I have nothing. All I keep thinking about every day is overdosing and cutting until I can't continue. (Mod edit methods.) I am so tired
    I've had 1 friend in my entire life who eventually treated me like a ***** and offered me money for stuff, threatened to go with prostitutes and showed me pictures of them, I cut contact and now I am completely alone. I have nothing, nobody to talk to.
    I'm alone, not even my uncle can be bothered listening to me anymore.
    I don't want to do this anymore. I hate this, I see people who don't self harm, have friends but have anxiety issues like me get psychiatric help, psychiatric help!!! My anxiety is so bad I drip with sweat just walking to the shop, I can't bare the thought of busy transport and would walk 3 hours in the rain in a pair of shorts and thin t-shirt rather than get a 15 minute bus ride that had teenagers on.
    I am covered in scars, 100's of them, white, red, purple and pink, everyone knows I have them, everone has seen every cut on my arm, they saw me shave half my fucking hair off and cut my own fucking face and did fuck all. I told the teachers, the counsellors, I told so many fucking people and I never ever got fucking help, I was always "too clever" for fucking help.
    God I'm crying now, I hate this. I've been like this for years and I've been screamed at for a teacher for coming into school bleeding covered in deep self harm cuts whilst I've seen her be far nicer to other students who have less severe self injuries and don't do it to the degree I do it. I've even been partially blamed for somehow influencing some stupid fucking girl into cutting herself because she felt her cuts weren't as bad as mine and she wanted to have an arm like mine. (Old teacher)
    And you know what, I'm fucking tired of them all. They all act like I'm this clever fucking robot who can cope with everything and I'm not, nobody ever fucking listens and now I can't fucking say a thing verbally because my mother drummed and drummed it into me not to tell the authority anything, so the few times I can get over this panic I am always cast aside.
    I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of saying that you know, because I always end up lying in bed, cutting or crying or sleeping and making myself eat later on and make myself take care of myself. I have to talk to myself for a fucking hour at times just to get up and tidy the room up if it's messy, or to do something else productive. I even have to talk to convince myself to go to the bathroom to urinate because I am so depressed I'd rather just lie in bed in the complete darkness than get out of bed.
    And apparently I don't have depression, I'm just "hormonal" or "a teenager" among other things.

    I'm aware how long this is. I suppose there isn't much people can say. I usually feel guilty here because I've seen some of the other posts and feel bad for wasting peoples time who read this and clogging up the forum with my bullshit.
    I suppose my "I'll try to moderate my language" didn't pan out so great.
    I'm going to sleep, if I don't I'll end up cutting myself and when my hands are so bloody I can't see my own skin colour, when the blood has dripped right down my arms, I'll be thinking about cutting my own throat out with the jaggered end of the glass.
    Best to just sleep and hope that I feel a bit better after I've slept, or at least I've lied in the darkness for an hour or so in silence, just trying not to think.

    I really am sorry about this, I feel ashamed that I'm not deleting this and instead posting it. I feel like such a stupid, juvenile attention seeker, wasting everyones time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    By law your teachers have to report you if you are self harming as well as others in authority if you are a minor Hope you get help you need but you have to be honest with crisis worker on phone to be able to get it.
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Ellie,

    I am so sorry you are finding it so hard to get help and even more sorry that you feel this bad. I wish I had magic words that could take it all away from you and allow you to be the carefree young girl that all girls your age should be allowed to feel. I wish that I could take all the pain in this world away from everyone. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I know how badly you are hurting. My mom died when I was 12... I'm 39 now, and I still hurt over it, and I remember the raw pain the first few years after her death vividly. After mom died, my family became just as uncaring about me as I am hearing yours is about you. Like you, I looked for solace in the school system... I found it in one science teacher.... but I was unable to be as open with her as I needed to be. I hope that you will find that ONE person you can TRULY trust as well... be a school teacher, counselor, nurse, friend, friend's parents, whatever.... but I hope that you will also be as open with that person as you need to be. We all need someone to care. I don't know the system in the UK though I've heard a lot about it from friends here ... so I'm not going to reccommend what steps you should take in the line of seeking out help. Just know, I'm there to talk to if you ever want someone to listen to you ... my inbox is open, and if you come to chat, my pm is open. Please take care and be good to yourself.
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi Elllie Grey.. think this is gettihg awfully serious all the self harming.. know is hard in UK to get medical help but think you need very soon to confesss all what you doing to medical professionals.. otherwise you are not going to make it much longer.. none of us want that for you.. if you have to go to a hospital emergency room and scream for that help now please do so... take care and please be safe.. jim
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    if you make people promise not to tell parents, use loophole so that medical people and teachers canot tell parents, lie to counselors and "play dumb" so that they cannot get you the help you need, then I am confused about what it is you want them to do? You are concerned about being put into a care facility but if you are getting no support at home and being there makes it so you get no help or support from anyplace else maybe that would be the best place for you. At the very least you need to accept that if you will no tallow any help and manipulate the system so they cannot help you then it is useless to complain about the lack of support you are receiving at the same time. You can either be truthful and accept what help you can get and whatever consequences that come with that or continue as you are and you will get no meaningful support... you made it clear you are in control of both of those.
  6. chasing_dreams

    chasing_dreams Well-Known Member

    Hi Ellie,
    I haven't been on here for a few years now but I just read your post and had to reply. Please don't feel bad for posting, or for the swearing; I think I would too if I felt the way that you do. Please don't let people dismiss the way that you feel as being down to hormones or the fact that you are a teenager; you are not attention seeking and you deserve people's time, love and help. Who are you staying with now? Is there anyone else at school you can talk to?
    From the months that I spent on here before, I know that this is a fantastic place for finding the support that you need if you do need someone to talk to without feeling guilty for the things that you are feeling. I'm always here if you need to talk x
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    I find most of your response can be summed up by this one portion of your response so I will focus on it:

    A lot of people have self harm issues... it is not "stupid" nor is it "crazy" nor is it some kind of game of "cry for attention". You claim to not self harm... and yet, you yourself have said in at least 2 posts by you that you went without eating for 7 days BY CHOICE... i suppose you think that is healthy?? It doesn't leave outward scars necessarily, no... but its still self harming. Now, just because your method (which I also read in one of your posts you also thought was a viable means to suicide, so I understand it may not have been for exactly the same reason of just doing a little bit of harm, still in all... it is harming) doesn't come with visible marks/scars in the way cutting would that doesn't make you somehow better than anyone else that self harms.

    I used to self harm a lot... carved myself... words and pics, not just lines... now was it for attention? Maybe on some level MINE was, I don't know... because I did it for 2 reasons #1 Nobody would listen to me about what was hurting me, so I figured if they would not listen then they would have to see because I made sure I did it in places they could view it... when I'd try to talk they would tell me I was exaggerating things, that things weren't really that bad, I didn't know what I was talking about, I needed to just "quit" and go away, etc... but nobody would listen, I tried getting someone to listen for 15yrs before I started cutting/carving... maybe I was completely daft because back then I didn't know that talking to a counselor/psychiatrist was who I really needed to talk to but I did try to talk to friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, etc... and got the same responses. #2 It was a transference of psychological/emotional pain to physical pain for me. I could deal with the physical a lot better than the emotional/psychological ... all you gotta do is clean it, put on anti-inflammatory creams/liquids, slap a bandage (bandage wrap in some cases), and maybe take some pain meds if the the pain is too harsh and not something you want/think you deserve. Now, again, these were only my reasonsings... not everyone that self harms is the same. Some people do it because they think it is what they deserve for whatever reason (not discounting this as a reason, merely saying there are various reasons that people may think they deserve pain/punishment). Some do it so they can in fact FEEL ANYTHING, as they feel numb emotionally. Some do it so they can prove to themselves that they in fact exist... its like a way to get back to reality, or sometimes its a way of validating that even though everyone else in the world ignores them, yes, they can feel physical pain, therefore they exist. There are many many reasons for self harm. I have been free from it for 5yrs... but that in no way means I am done with the struggle with it... self harm is as much an addiction as alcohol or drugs, its not something you ever completely stop struggling with.

    Now am I saying that these are "healthy" or "good" reasons to cut yourself or otherwise harm yourself? No. The fact is that there is no good reason to harm yourself unless you are under coercion by threats of being hurt worse if you do not or someone else you care for getting hurt if you do not.... there are other exceptions I am sure, but this is the one that comes to mind... or something similar. However, the fact that it is not a healthy or good reason to self harm does not make it any less valid. When you say someone is stupid or attention seeking or playing games because they do things that you may not do yourself in response to their anguish/distress, you in fact diminish the person's sense of self worth even further, thus creating a bigger problem and even more reason to do the thing you think they need to stop doing. Self harm is very serious and is not just attention seeking.

    Many people say that suicide attempts are attention seeking as well... is that what you are doing by keeping yourself away from food... seeking attention? I tend to think it is not. I tend to think you have reasons that you are in pain and for whatever reason you think you either a) have to use a method that takes a long time to complete or b) feel you deserve misery before the completion of the task (in the case of b you are just as much into self harming as the person you are derailing here) ... in either case, it is you dealing with your emotional pain in the way you know how to do, be it right or wrong, its what you are doing b/c its what you know to do and what you think will fix/decrease your emotional pain...

    I have been watching your posts/replies and you seem to throw a lot of disdain to a lot of people... is there reason for that? Is there a reason that you tend to come off as if you are the only person that has legitimate reason for suffering emotional pain and making irrational choices to deal with that suffering? Or is it just a matter of you thinking you are somehow better than everyone, not just the people here... but as in have a God Complex or etc.?

    You claimed in one post I saw you respond to that you were sorry for "thread hijacking" .. perhaps that is your purpose here and perhaps I have just allowed that to happen, I don't know... but honestly, I think it would be a lot more damaging for me to allow your response about self-harming being attention seeking than it may be to respond to it. Too many ppl here deal with the problems of self-harm. If you don't know or have never dealt with an issue/problem, then you need to not respond at all... as most times, you will end up hurting people not even intending to do so if you try to put in any opinion/belief about something you do not have any experience in at all... simply because most times you cannot understand a thing until you have experienced it.
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    I don't want your thread to be focused only on TomB and my argument, and I truly do hope that you are doing better now... I do agree with NYJ to an extent though too in that you really need to decide what it is you want.. do you want help? or do you want to keep on as you are now? Both things come with their own set of problems to deal with:

    If you get help, you will have to deal with possible hospitalization and all its ramnifications, the stigma associated with whatever disorders they decide to label you with, many things that you are told to try will do no help at all, some will seem to harm you more than help you, and others will do very little help (until you find the actual medications and/or other methods that help you, you will go through an array of trial by error more or less guided by your psychiatrist and/or therapist).... but in the end, you have the chance of coming out of it all feeling happy (at least sometimes) again

    If you choose to continue as you are ... well, you already know all the problems associated with that, and... the likelihood is that you will not come out of it feeling happy again at all... but rather just manage to maintain "an acceptable level" of emotional pain while causing yourself so much physical destruction that will become even more of a hurdle for you and you may start suffering consequences from your physical harm in the end too.

    I will not try to fault you for either choice you make... the choice has to be your own. I tend to see this as a plea by yourself for giving you reasons to get help .. versus as a plea for attention. Here are reasons to get help.

    1. you are a worthwhile person but you will not be able to see that until someone helps you wade through all the stuff in your life that is holding you back
    2. you have a lot of life left to live and therefore a lot of chances for those "moments" my quote speaks of in my signature... you deserve to see each of those
    3. you sound as if you were given a rather crummy shake on life, but i think most of us here were... so why give yourself more of a crummy shake, why not at least be the one person being good to you?
    4. what you want cannot be achieved by death... you want to be happy, when you die, you feel nothing, therefore how can you be happy?
    5. what you want cannot be achieved by adding more pain (even physical) ... you want to be happy, how does pain in any way equal happiness? physical pain may distract you from your emotional pain, but later it adds guilt which then compounds your emotional pain, therefore doesn't work in the end

    these are just a few reasons i can think of off the top of my head... but there are also many more out there...
    please, seek help, and if your first therapist fails you... try a differnt one... not all therapists are good for each person ...
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