I am in the planning stage...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Paramedic21, Nov 2, 2010.

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  1. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    Hello all. Im new to this forum. Just looking around for people like me and that can relate to some of the things I am going through right now. I guess I will begin with my story. I was severely depressed when i was 17 years old. My father passed away when I was 16 and it became far to much for me to handle. I had been depressed before that but never suicidal. I have never been diagnosed with depression, nor have I ever been to a mental health professional. I guess mainly because I hide my disease at all costs. I believe based on my symptoms that I am bipolar.

    Anyway, I came out of my deep dark hole and I moved to New Hampshire and met my now wife. I had a couple happy years. But unfortunately my life has yet again took a nose dive for several reasons. It was a long struggle for me to decide if I really wanted to end my life. Im a Christian and Im afraid of losing my salvation but I have done alot of research on this and while its not 100% im fairly certain that wont happen. I know I am not in my right mind at least I dont think I am.

    So having said that, I have made the choice to take my life. I have moved onto the phase of planning it. My mother is visiting in december, I want to see her one more time before I die. so I think I am going to do it sometime in early January I haven't decided when yet. I need to get my hands xxx but that wont be that hard I have that aspect of it pretty much figured out. Anyway, no one knows I feel this way or im planning any of this. Except you guys now. I just wanted to tell someone, now I have. Im sick of hiding my illness and hiding behind my fake smile and no, I am not doing this for attention. I have made this choice and I am planning this because I don't want to live anymore. Thank you to all that reads this post.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are sick of you illness yet you have not reached out to a professional to heal yourself. YOu want to see your mother one more time what of your mothers feeling what of her life afterwards of her pain You do not have to live with depression and you yourself do not know what illness you have. You need to see a professional and get properly diagnosed so you can get the best help their is out there. Instead of planning your demise use that time to plan how to heal yourself how to get better stronger and be here for your mother and others who care. STart now okay call your doctor and get the help you need stop the process you have started and start a new one a healing one.
     
  3. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    its not just the illness violet...it is multiple things...things that medications cannot cure. Im not just experiencing issues from the fact that I am ill it is other things to. I work the streets as an EMS provider and I pick up patients all the time that are on tons of medications and none of them help their mental problems.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You don't know that for sure maybe the meds have help them for years and they were just triggered It must be very hard for you your job though stressful
    I would think having support for yourself therapist to deal with all the trauma you see. I work in the medical field too and sometimes it gets overwhelming The thing is we have to have support in place for ourselves to keep strong right I Hope you talk then to someone who can help you as your buddies would not want to be the ones to make the call to your place. Come on you know there is help right doctor right caring people will do more for you then any medication can do the meds just take edge off of the pain. take care okay please.
     
  5. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    Oh you work in the medical field to? Nice to meet someone else that does too...what is it you do? The trauma of my job actually is not to bad, I cope with all that fine. In fact doing my job relieves alot of my feelings because im really focused on my patients and the care they need. I have thought about some of my co-workers getting called to my house and seeing me dead...it hurts me to think of that.....but...i know that they are head strong professionals and are trained to handle these things..
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is quite different when it is a relative a close friend i can assure you head strong or not it will tear them apart Better for them to see you reach out and get help right. it is not a good thing to see someone you care about gone. take care please of you.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm bipolar too, although it's tough to live with it's not a death sentence. i was also diagnosed with ptsd. therapy and meds have made a huge difference for me. sure i have relapses and have to go into the hospital from time to time but i'm still here, still fighting it, still surviving. please consider reaching out for some help. you deserve some true peace, some real happiness. someone told me today that using suicide to fight depression is like using an atomic bomb to fight the common cold. i agree with her. please get some help with your suicidal feelings.
     
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