Hello all. Im new to this forum. Just looking around for people like me and that can relate to some of the things I am going through right now. I guess I will begin with my story. I was severely depressed when i was 17 years old. My father passed away when I was 16 and it became far to much for me to handle. I had been depressed before that but never suicidal. I have never been diagnosed with depression, nor have I ever been to a mental health professional. I guess mainly because I hide my disease at all costs. I believe based on my symptoms that I am bipolar. Anyway, I came out of my deep dark hole and I moved to New Hampshire and met my now wife. I had a couple happy years. But unfortunately my life has yet again took a nose dive for several reasons. It was a long struggle for me to decide if I really wanted to end my life. Im a Christian and Im afraid of losing my salvation but I have done alot of research on this and while its not 100% im fairly certain that wont happen. I know I am not in my right mind at least I dont think I am. So having said that, I have made the choice to take my life. I have moved onto the phase of planning it. My mother is visiting in december, I want to see her one more time before I die. so I think I am going to do it sometime in early January I haven't decided when yet. I need to get my hands xxx but that wont be that hard I have that aspect of it pretty much figured out. Anyway, no one knows I feel this way or im planning any of this. Except you guys now. I just wanted to tell someone, now I have. Im sick of hiding my illness and hiding behind my fake smile and no, I am not doing this for attention. I have made this choice and I am planning this because I don't want to live anymore. Thank you to all that reads this post.