Today is Tuesday, 6/10. I was at a partial hospital program today. I filled out a mood survey, and the therapist questioned me about my responses to SI and wanting to die. I was asked if I had a plan and means. I told the truth. I knew I was in danger of being put inpatient. I made a verbal contract for safety. Tonight, my thoughts are so strong. I sat on my hands, and stayed glued to the couch in order to comply with my promise for safety. I am frightened by the thoughts and their intensity. Tomorrow I am not attending partial, but will see my therapist. I go back to partial on Thursday. I do not want to go into the hospital. If I report my thoughts and intense urges, I am setting myself up for instant inpatient. I am so conflicted. My thoughts are telling me to do something awful. My instincts are telling me to turn myself in. These feelings, and these thoughts may dissipate over night. Tomorrow I might be very distanced from them. But I know they will return. I don't know how to make them stop. I yell at myself to STOP thinking these thoughts. It works temporarily. But the feelings and thoughts and urges keep returning. If I go into the hospital, they won't keep me there forever. When I am out, the thoughts are likely to return. I am not responding to medication. I have been on so many, and none have been successful. I interviewed to get authorization for TMS today, and if the insurance approves, I will begin the alternative therapy of transcranial magnet stimulation in 9 days. Can I make it that long? It sure helps to be able to express all this here on this site. It really does relieve some of the tension. Thank you for being here.