I am in trouble: TRIGGER WARNING

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BipolarOne, Jun 11, 2014.

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  1. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    Today is Tuesday, 6/10. I was at a partial hospital program today. I filled out a mood survey, and the therapist questioned me about my responses to SI and wanting to die. I was asked if I had a plan and means. I told the truth. I knew I was in danger of being put inpatient. I made a verbal contract for safety. Tonight, my thoughts are so strong. I sat on my hands, and stayed glued to the couch in order to comply with my promise for safety. I am frightened by the thoughts and their intensity.

    Tomorrow I am not attending partial, but will see my therapist. I go back to partial on Thursday. I do not want to go into the hospital. If I report my thoughts and intense urges, I am setting myself up for instant inpatient. I am so conflicted. My thoughts are telling me to do something awful. My instincts are telling me to turn myself in.

    These feelings, and these thoughts may dissipate over night. Tomorrow I might be very distanced from them. But I know they will return. I don't know how to make them stop. I yell at myself to STOP thinking these thoughts. It works temporarily. But the feelings and thoughts and urges keep returning.

    If I go into the hospital, they won't keep me there forever. When I am out, the thoughts are likely to return. I am not responding to medication. I have been on so many, and none have been successful. I interviewed to get authorization for TMS today, and if the insurance approves, I will begin the alternative therapy of transcranial magnet stimulation in 9 days. Can I make it that long?

    It sure helps to be able to express all this here on this site. It really does relieve some of the tension. Thank you for being here.
  2. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    You should let them know how badly your thoughts are affecting you. I too do not respond well to medication but I've found that throwing myself into therapy does work.

    They cant help you if you don't tell them what's going on.

    Tell them about your worries of the thoughts coming back. You're right, they probably will come back because things like this don't just go away, but when they come back you'll be better equipped to handle them.

    Take care lovely, my inbox is open.
  3. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Hey there! I'm glad you are finding this forum useful. Sometimes it helps to just write a problem down, because for those short minutes you're detached from it, you're looking at it from a more objective angle. I'm here to listen if you want to share some more.
    I'm afraid I have to agree with Beka about expressing the depth of your problem. Not necessarily to the people at the hospital, do you have family or friends you can really trust? You can tell them. I know it's possible for the thoughts to come back, but you've already taken important steps to prevent it. Even if the medication doesn't help it's a sign of your will to stay alive that you take them. And if you're afraid of what you might do it's important to share this information with someone, so this person can keep you company, even constantly. Somebody should keep you talking about it in the hopes that this might diminish the intensity of your thoughts. I told absolutely nobody about my intentions of comitting suicide and I ended up attempting it. Don't end up like me please! If there is at least one person who will suffer horribly after your suicide, don't do this to him/her. Stick around, first for other people and, gradually, for yourself too.
    Take care and stay safe!
  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    My guess is that feelings and thoughts will bedevil you throughout your lifespan, although they may diminish their intensity in later years. I only say this because it's been that way for me, and seems to be that way for nearly everyone I know.

    You sound like you are fairly strong of mind, and I think you will find a way to come to accommodation with your thinking.

    Best wishes to you. You deserve the best in life.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I think humanity is hardwired in general to believe that dying before one's time - is not a positive thing, which is why, in general humanity is saddened by the loss of so many before their proper time, in time of war - and with other atrocities that happen to people, by people. It just does not seem right and just and what we're put on earth to discover, everything seems to be cut short and hope takes a battering. All we know is our existence, our being - we don't know anything outside of that - unless we start to search for it. So when we get fed up and disillusioned about our being we have a choice to make - do I start searching in earnest for the light, the truth that may exist outside of my being that is stronger than my being and is able to help me find answers to do with healing it - or do I continue the way I am in the hope that I'm able to make it through somehow without doing anything different to help me?

    The choice is each person's to make, please don't be afraid of being confronted by the reality of this choice and in so doing, denying yourself a better journey by default. I promise you, there is the light and truth that can help and which is available, benevolent and for each soul who does ask - and it is a journey, even if at the outset we can't 'see' it - it's not the destination that ultimately matters, it is the journey itself. And it is such a shame to cut it short in the belief of no hope ....

    After writing this I resumed typing out some quotes by Pope Francis - and this one I've just come across: On Suffering - "It is from pain and our own limits where we best learn to grow, and from our own flaws surges the deep question: haven't we suffered enough to decide to break old patterns? "

    which is basically what I was trying to say.......

    and, again (a further edit, have just read the following, which is also relevant I think): "On Suicide
    There was a time when the church wouldn't do funerals for suicides, because the person didn't keep walking toward the goal; he put an end to the path when he felt like it. But this is a person who couldn't overcome the contradictions. I don't reject him. I leave it in God's hands."

    I think that's very accurate - not being able to overcome the contradictions......... I know that's exactly how I felt in my situation....... and by God's undeserved grace and love for my soul, I've been enabled to overcome the contradictions I was faced with, and the path does get easier, I would encourage anyone to believe that. Even just taking that first step, of choosing to begin the journey to learn how to overcome the contradictions is the most valuable choice anyone could ever make :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2014
  6. Turtle

    Turtle Member

    I was told to go to the hospital today. I'm having suicidal thoughts. I too worry about being honest with how I'm feeling. I worry about being admitted. I worry about what it would be like when I got out. I get it. How are you doing today?
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    You can tell the medics at the hospital about your feelings and your thoughts and your worries, that is what they are there for, and won't be able to do their best for you unless you DO tell them. What is the major concern you have about being admitted Turtle?
  8. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Urprecious, thank you so much for your longer post. It has given me a lot to think about.
  9. Turtle

    Turtle Member

    My major concern about being admitted is losing control over my own body.
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I don't think I could do that.
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    How are you doing BipolarOne?
  12. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Even so Turtle, (I understand your fear on this), but there are still choices you need to make to prevent them being made for you by default...... far, far better to know that you've made the choice yourself, and sometimes, choosing to place yourself in the hands of an authority who is there by law to protect and do their best for you, is the best choice you can make. The alternative is to not do that, which leaves you with carrying on as you are, and it is true that "If you always do what you've always done, you're always gonna get what you've always got".......... sometimes, an influence has to be allowed in to break the circle and cause it to become the upward spiral we all live in hope of :)
  13. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    It is now June 21. On Thursday, June 12, I had to tell the people at the partial program that I had taken an overdose on Tuesday night. On Wednesday, I was not scheduled to attend partial, and I was at home, unconscious on my couch. When I came to I was alone in the room, it was dark and the clock said it was after midnight. However, I was in a confused state and didn't know what day it was. So when I confessed my actions on Thursday morning, my worst fear was realized. I was immediately walked across the campus and directly admitted into the inpatient unit. It was worse than I had imagined it would be. The longer I stayed there, the more depressed I became. It was not a place of healing. It was more detrimental to my health than it was helpful. Finally on Sunday, I could not stand it any longer, and being a voluntary patient, I requested a discharge AMA. They agreed, and I went home. On 6/19, Thursday, I had my first TMS treatment, and a second one on Friday. They say it takes up to 18 or more sessions before noticing a difference.

    I am still very depressed. Here it is a whole week after I checked myself out of the hospital, and I am feeling suicidal again. I just don't know what is wrong with me, but I am feeling like I just don't want to continue to live.
  14. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Sorry to hear, BipolarOne - could you tell me what TMS is? Also, could you say what would you like to see happen in your life for you, to get you out of this space? Please give yourself time and tell yourself that there is hope that things can change for you, even though you can't see it at the moment, please hold on and keep writing, we are here to help you :)
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