I am inadequate.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rai02, Aug 28, 2011.

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  1. Rai02

    Rai02 Active Member

    I am tired of always being turned down. I am always disappointed and rejected. The fact is, I need a bigger house. I live in a very small place with my husband and 2 kids. We only have 2 bedrooms. I have a son and a daughter. Surely God understand when I cry out to him and say I need a bigger house, that He realizes this is in-fact a "need" and not at all a "want". I have needs that are not being met.
    So, we find a house that is plenty big enough for us. It is a great price. One that I can afford a monthly payment on. My credit does not allow me to secure a mortgage loan. We are screwed. I will never be able to own a bigger home.
    This has me very upset. All I want is a bigger place to live. I am constantly stressed out in this house we live in now. It is so small that it always looks cluttered. We are just way to crammed together in this little place. I am only asking for $55,000. That is mot much in the broad scheme of things.

    So, I sit back and I think about everything in my life that is not right, or continues to go wrong. I am just so tired of feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I cannot even provide for my children with sufficient living quarters for them. This is just one thing that is stacked against me.

    I really do not even care about the quality of my life anymore. I go through the motions everyday. I chose to stay here out of the simple fear of the unknown. But one day, I will not care anymore whether or not I have a soul that needs somewhere to go after my body dies. One day I will have had enough, and finally follow through with the plan I have drawn up.

    I am fed up, disgusted, tired, and low. Low down, and passed the point of caring about my life anymore. Yesterday I had thought about opening up the car door and jumping out while my husband was driving us down the interstate. If I did it just right, I would die instantly and not even have to worry about suffering or surviving.
  2. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Sorry, I am pretty tired and therefore useless right now. But I want to send you a hug and let you know I am thinking of you.

    I will post back with advice after some rest :)

    Please take care

    :hug: xx
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Rai02,
    You don't want to do that to your kids.. They need there mom.. They will always need there mom..Has your husband applied for the house?? Maybe if buying isn't an option then rent a place until you can clean up your credit..I know when I bought my house we transfered all my negative credit to my exs credit..That cleaned up mine and we got the house..Theres always options..
  4. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    I share your anxiety and I feel your frustration in your writing but surely you and your family is worth more than a 55000.00 home. I know you have and or are exhausting every method available. Be patient and remember never is a fear that your telling yourself that you will never own a bigger home and never have that peace of mind.

    You can you just have to start putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck and you can do it
  5. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I live in a mobile home, so I know what that feels like. I have like 100 boxes of stuff stored in one room, and no where to put it.

    Have you thought about building on to your current home, adding a few rooms, maybe a garage to store all that stuff in??

    It might take time, but you can make your credit better. Maybe get a bigger house later on.

    How is your relationship with your husband and children?? Can you imagine what that would do to him if you did that while he was driving you somewhere? It would be difficult enough on them to see you die from a suicide, but to bring someone into it while you do that, you have to have more feelings for your husband than to do something like that. Have you thought about how much that would hurt them?? I'm sure it would be so devistating for him to witness such an act. Please don't do that.
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Well - I always shared a room with my bro - but if its a boy and girl that is not ideal - in fact - impossible after a certain age.

    I was 18 until I had my own room.

    When kids we lived in a very small home - no bathroom - and an outside loo in a shed - which was freezing in winter.

    BUT - although a bigger place is nice - is this really that big an issue to get upset to the point of suicide over?

    I'm very lucky - as a single man I have my own place and more room than I need - but I have no garden - and in a flat - you cannot stand by the door like a street - its not as sociable but I know most of the 180 tenants well enough to at least nod to and say "Hey! hows it going!" - some reply - "its going nowhere" which is like - humour in my area.

    Anyhow - I hope you get your new home sorted - but ultimately a happy home can be any size. The people make the home - and I've been in my homes - big and small - and it makes no difference if its a mansion or a mobile home. A welcome is a welcome - and although people raise a family in the home - try to let it be a kind of open home - a sanctuary for your kids mates - and whatnot.

    Sure - having a room for each kid would be ideal.

    But like cutiepie says there are ways and means around it.
  7. Powerpuff

    Powerpuff Active Member

    Hi Rai. Stay strong, your children need you. Even you say that you are overwhelmed or inadequate to provide a larger living space for your children. This shows that you care, that you have a heart and someone(your children) in the world needs you. This love and care you show your children is much deeper than ending it all. Just try to stay the course, your day for better things will come. it might not be material things like a bigger home but maybe seeing your children grow up, which is a precious thing.

    PS-I grew up in a two bedroom apartment with mom, dad, 3 sisters and 2 brothers and a grandmother. But we never felt bad towards mom or dad cause of the small living quarters and your kids will feel the same towards you..
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