I am just not sure

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by normaljoe, Dec 15, 2013.

  1. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    I really do not know what to think anymore. I am not sure if my depression is getting worse or better. I actively censor myself around my friends. I can think of things to say but in my head I hear "they don't want to hear you right now just don't talk", "you are being a know it all, shut up". "do you have to speak on everything". my friends ask why I am being so quite but it doesn't matter, I am afraid to talk. This never happened before. I am normally pretty social. It has gotten to the point where I stopped texting people to hang out. I don't really want to be around anyone. I am afraid I will scare them away. I don't want to go through that. Ironically enough, by not calling them or texting them I am forcing myself to be alone. So I am not preserving my friendships at all. I am just straining them. I know this but it does not change what I am doing. I don't enjoy my life, I have no pleasure from waking up. I have goals that I want to accomplish in my life but they all seem empty. Nothing fascinates me anymore. I have to force myself out of my bed every day. I have no reason to wake up anymore. I am running out of reasons. the last person I talked to about suicide was the very same person responsible for the majority of my depression. suicidal thoughts seem to be common ground. I wonder if depression is genetic. I am trying to volunteer but it is so hard to find a place I enjoy. I am trying Ronald Mcdonald house. I might as well try to make someone else smile if i can't. Maybe I can find happiness by helping others. at the very least it may give me a reason to get out of bed. I am losing my reasons to live, and honestly i am just not scared of it anymore. I would say I am content as long as I know which way I am headed, happiness or a cowardly retreat from this life. These mood swings are so violent, it gets hard to tell. I get lost in my dreams. It gets hard to live a life you hate when you can just spend hours in a world that does not exist. that bends to your will that you find happiness from. impervious to my self inflicted anger. I spend hours not even sleeping just thinking of what I want my life to be like. It seems impossible to change. I don't have the strength to wake up, how am I expected to change my entire life. what certainty do I have that it will change for the better? sometimes I think I find solitude in depression. i swear at times its comforting to know that I always have that. sad isn't it? I just don't understand why I am still here. I want a reason.
  2. Donedancing

    Donedancing New Member

    I agree with everything you have said so I can be of no help if help is what you are looking for. I despise life, everything about it. At least I am old and probably don't have more than 20 or so years of misery remaining. I think I'm going to walk thought the pain day in and day out as that must be what I am meant to do, perhaps as a punishment for an even worse past life. I have stopped talking to everyone except my boyfriend. I hate people even more than I hate myself. If you enter into a relationship, you open yourself up to more pain. No relationships mean no chances at increased pain. Perhaps you are beginning to recognize that and that is why you are closing everyone out.