I really do not know what to think anymore. I am not sure if my depression is getting worse or better. I actively censor myself around my friends. I can think of things to say but in my head I hear "they don't want to hear you right now just don't talk", "you are being a know it all, shut up". "do you have to speak on everything". my friends ask why I am being so quite but it doesn't matter, I am afraid to talk. This never happened before. I am normally pretty social. It has gotten to the point where I stopped texting people to hang out. I don't really want to be around anyone. I am afraid I will scare them away. I don't want to go through that. Ironically enough, by not calling them or texting them I am forcing myself to be alone. So I am not preserving my friendships at all. I am just straining them. I know this but it does not change what I am doing. I don't enjoy my life, I have no pleasure from waking up. I have goals that I want to accomplish in my life but they all seem empty. Nothing fascinates me anymore. I have to force myself out of my bed every day. I have no reason to wake up anymore. I am running out of reasons. the last person I talked to about suicide was the very same person responsible for the majority of my depression. suicidal thoughts seem to be common ground. I wonder if depression is genetic. I am trying to volunteer but it is so hard to find a place I enjoy. I am trying Ronald Mcdonald house. I might as well try to make someone else smile if i can't. Maybe I can find happiness by helping others. at the very least it may give me a reason to get out of bed. I am losing my reasons to live, and honestly i am just not scared of it anymore. I would say I am content as long as I know which way I am headed, happiness or a cowardly retreat from this life. These mood swings are so violent, it gets hard to tell. I get lost in my dreams. It gets hard to live a life you hate when you can just spend hours in a world that does not exist. that bends to your will that you find happiness from. impervious to my self inflicted anger. I spend hours not even sleeping just thinking of what I want my life to be like. It seems impossible to change. I don't have the strength to wake up, how am I expected to change my entire life. what certainty do I have that it will change for the better? sometimes I think I find solitude in depression. i swear at times its comforting to know that I always have that. sad isn't it? I just don't understand why I am still here. I want a reason.