I am justified, aren't I?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Mohair.Sam, Jun 11, 2015.

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  1. Mohair.Sam

    Mohair.Sam New Member

    Hello to all. I have been battling suicidal thinking most of my 53 years. My first attempt was in the 7th grade, and I've had a few since, but only one was even vaguely serious or respectable. Anyway ... I'm back to this again. I have long felt enormous, overwhelming guilt over who and what I am, a white, heterosexual male from the Southern US. You know, one of the people directly responsible for all the misery in this world. Slavery? Genocide? Racism? You can roll off the long list of ultimate evils humans are guilty of, and I can confirm I stand guiltiest of all simply because I am what I am.

    I actively and keenly hate myself, and I can find plenty of support for that assessment, especially online.

    My only virtue, if one can call it that, is that if many people hate me, I hate myself more.

    Thing is ... I'm a coward, too. Just one more appealing quality I have. So I'm still here, causing misery by my very existence. The other day I learned that I'm even contributing to the planet's demise with my carbon footprint, which I've actually tried to reduce but which is still significant by dint of my breathing. My existence is a plague upon others and upon this planet.

    So, today I've been back to planning, figuring out how to make arrangements for my pets so they're cared for in my absence and tying up what loose ends I can so my family can put my affairs to an end as quickly as possible in such a situation. I know I'm depressed; that's plain enough. But I believe, firmly, that I am justified in being depressed and in making plans, as I'm evil and am personally responsible for so much pain that others have suffered and will suffer as a result of my mere existence. I deserve to suffer, and to suffer much worse than I am feeling it now. Bring it on, I say. It's justice.

    A friend counseled me to try to put distance between my dark thoughts and myself, and that's actually good advice—were it possible. It's not. So, I have a volunteer gig at a horse rescue that I'm obligated to be at this evening after work, and then I need to decide when. There's another volunteer thing I'm supposed to do Saturday morning, so I'll need to assess whether I'm really needed there (probably not, but I'll try to be as objective as I can. There's no hurry on this, although many others may disagree with me there!).

    Anyway, thank you for allowing me to post here (assuming this posts, and it's fine if it's deemed inappropriate—I'm truly sorry if that's the case, but it's merely more evidence that I am the godawful evil slime I know myself to be). Thank you for reading this. Thank you above all for providing a forum for people who have nowhere else to turn.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hi Sam.

    I do care. You seem like a geniune person that is being more real with your feelings than many. The only regret I am writing is its a couple of days later and I am afraid you have long moved on getting missing this post.

    Take care, Sam Btw cool username. I like it.
     
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