I am left with nothing but anger, hate and misery.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Matt93, Nov 20, 2010.

  1. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I am literally tearing my hair out on a daily basis, I get so angry, far too easily now, and I felt like shit for it, because sometimes I can look at a friend and think, "I just want to kill you." There's nothing that really triggers this anger, it seems to just attack me in waves, waves that get stronger each time, and pound me more ferociously each time.

    Then, there's fact I just hate everything about anyone, the moment I can pick out one thing about someone that I hate, I instantly hate them. There's very few exceptions to the rule. One exception is this girl called Jade at college, whom reminds me exactly of Courtney, I recently saw her smoking, and I despise smoking, and so normally hate all smokers. However, I don't despise her, in a sense I quite like her, though I never talk to her, I would quite like to, perhaps next time I pass her in college I shall say, "Hi," to see if I can spur on a conversation, or perhaps if she's wearing a shirt that I like, maybe and Avenged Sevenfold one or something, I'll compliment her shirt and music taste. I wouldn't mind becoming friends with her.

    And now for my misery, I am miserable 24/7 perhaps 7-8 months of the year, where the other 4-5 months is normal feelings, or mania. Nothing triggers them as such, if so, it's very VERY small things that do so. I really do hate myself. Which brings me back to the hate. I am no exception to my own rule, I have found so much of me to hate, I epitomize the term "self-loathing". I really do hate myself, more than anyone could ever hate me, which leads me to question, why should I be so afraid of social contact, knowing someone hates me does not effect me, as I hate myself more than they hate me.

    Gah, I'm sorry for leaving you with such a long and pointless post.
     
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Mmmmm, so not easy mate. I guess you must first look at the reasons why you hate yourself so much. Only when we like ourselves can we possibly expect others to do likewise. Beauty comes from within and im sure you have some, you just cant see it. When you start to, it will shine through and others will be drawn to your goodness.
    Intention is the key, again not easy but vital for change.
    I suspect many things are troubling you, look at each one slowly, take a space and work on each problem.You may find if you do this, all the head spinning will lessen as you deal with each part of hate.
    Hate, anger, jealousy etc, are all terrible emotions and ones we all need to keep under control, like yourself and your fellow man. Be proud of what you are, or at least make efforts to become that man you truely wish to be.
    Peace, Pete
     
  3. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member


    Wow, I'm quite stunned to be quite honest. This is probably one of the best responses I've ever attained on here from anyone. I shall do so Pete, thank you for your advice, and I hope it serves me well in future. Thank you, take care. Regards, Matt.
     
  4. gabrielleangeline

    gabrielleangeline New Member

    Never ever apologize for a rant. They're really really great for me, especially.

    I'm a little unsure as to whether or not you needed help or advice, so I thought I'd give you some anyway?
    You mentioned you liked Avenged Sevenfold. LOVE. THEM.
    For me, when I am so full of unspeakable and unfathomable rage, I listen to music mostly by them or even P!nk (I know she's more pop, but she has some rage-y songs that are just so full of angsty goodness. OKAY i'm rambling, do ignore this). Being constantly angry is never a good thing, mate - believe me, you may end up doing something you will later regret and we don't want that, right?

    I don't think you need to hate yourself. From what I've read and analyzed, you're maybe just very stressed out or pressured by something - maybe it's school or maybe it's anger issues (very common, nothing to be ashamed or angry of). Might I recommend doing something (legal, please. LMAO) that would help you blow off steam? Steam-blower-offer activities are so much fun, I can't even-

    ANYWAYS, yeah. You should not hate yourself. The fact that you've even told yourself that you like this girl even though she's a smoker is a sign that you're capable of more than you think. :)
     
  5. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Yes, Avenged Sevenfold are my favourite band I absolutely fucking adore them. I listen mainly to heavy metal and screamo, some metalcore too. I don't really know what to think right now about my feelings though, everything just seems... so fucked up. I don't know if I like this girl, or would just like to get to know her, y'know?

    Yet, I also like a guy, and I also have feelings for another girl. Just this girl from college, reminds of this other girl and it's just blaah..

    I'm not really in the mood to talk today though, I have a searing pain in my head. So yeah.
     
  6. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Just sending you a massive north east hug cus u seem like u need one right now, feel better soon xxx
     
  7. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Thank you confusedgirl. Honestly, I want money, for what I'd use said money for would make me happier than I have ever been.
     
  8. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    What would u you use money for? Money deffo makes world go round however much people say money doesnt buy happyness I think it does to a degree. It would deffo contribute to my happyness! X
     
  9. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I'd go to see Courtney. She lives in Harrogate, which is about 70 miles south of me. Money contributes to happiness, love does not. Love hurts more than it helps.
     
  10. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Do you not get money for going to college or anything like that? I know what its like wanting to go somewhere so much but you cant. Love deffo does hurt hun your right, maybe she could come up chilly north and visit you? Not sure of situation so sorry if that offends you.. xx
     
  11. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I don't get EMA, I apparently don't qualify. She can't come up here because her mother won't let her, and she has no money in any case. I would have the money, however this job place has been so to speak, absolute twats to me, and made me think I had a a job then, as it seems, I don't.

    I'm amazed you're actually getting replies, in all honesty. I really feel so weird right now :/
     
  12. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Oh that sucks u don't get ema helped me loads when i went to college, as for your job what arseholes ey! you might get money for christmas and then you could use that to see her, train isn't that expensive if u book in advance!

    Well ill leave you Hun, but hope that you'll feel better soon, keep that chin up as best you can, your in my thoughts, hugs xx
     
  13. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    There's also the staying at a hotel I'll need money for that, and Harrogate is EXPENSIVE
     
  14. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    You could go for the day tho? I would honestly take u myself just. To make u happy but dunno how I would explain that To my boyfriend..... x
     
  15. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, that's kind of you. I could just go for the day yeah, I don't know. Oh and by the way... IT'S NOT THAT COLD UP HERE! XD

    Actually, as of late, it's been fucking freezing xD
     
  16. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm up here n its flipping freezing :laugh: if u can get for a day then atleast its something x
     
  17. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Yeah it is something, perhaps one shall try to do so. For I must see her.
     
  18. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Well good luck n keep me updated yerh? Look after yourself x
     
  19. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I'll keep you updated, don't worry. I'll be okay.
     
  20. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Us north Easterners have to stick together! X