I am lost in a terrible situation:

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Doublep, Jul 22, 2013.

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  1. Doublep

    Doublep New Member

    Hello All...
    I will be as quick as possible. I am 40 years old and a few years ago I started a small Business. Over the years it had seen its ups and down but thanks to the terrible economy the Business started to falter. The nature of my Business was very competitve. Beacuse I can not talk about specifics, I will say that I was accused of doing something I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO.

    I thought it was done and those prosocuting me would see but they have not.... So I am up against the fight of my life. I have been going through this for over a year now. I was never rich of course and I am relying on Federal Defenders to defend me. I can not even find the words to describe the feeling of being accused of things you did not do. Take that combined with not having the tools (money) to fight for yourself properly. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

    I am a good man, I have NEVER been in any trouble with the law. I pride myself on honesty, I am a war veteran and a family man. My wife kids are not only everything to me but are the rythm that beats my heart. I guess I am coming here because I dont really have anyone besides my wife to spill this too. She needs a break from this as well, she is such a good woman. I can not tell her the utter dispair I feel.

    This has been going so long that I am losing the ability to fight. This all seems like a nightmare I can not wake from. There has been times I have thought about just lying and telling them what they want to hear to make this all go away but I cant, I cant not lie. I would never be able to look at myself, my kids or my wife again no matter what it gets me.

    God I wish I could talk specifics on this... But I cant. It's not anything violence related or anything in that realm, its business stuff. People tell me not to worry so much and it will work out but They have no idea the stress and pain this causes, Especially when you are on the bottom of things as far as money to fight with. I have truth I know but these days that comes secondary to money.....

    So... I have been having bad thoughts within the last few months. I think my family would be better off without me. When I go to sleep I pray I never wake. People know I am not right no matter how hard I try to hide it. The only thing that kept me going was love for my babies but now I think maybe they are better off with out this stress, they have lost so much already. I hate them for what they are doing to my family.

    I dont think I can fight any longer.... I have nothing more to give.... Pray for my family....
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Doublep. I am sorry to hear how stressful things are for you atm. The legal system seems to move very slowly, and that must be especially hard when you have been wrongly accused. I am very glad you came here to vent. Holding things in can be so hard on us mentally, emotionally and physically.

    Are you able to be involved in other things while the legals are sorted out? An interest/hobby? Volunteer work? Something that distracts you? Physical exercise - even just a good long walk every day - can help relieve stress.

    Have you been to see your family doctor - depression kind of creeps up on some people, and meds can be helpful for some.

    As for worrying, I can sure understand why you're worried. The situation would be rough on anyone, I think. Worrying is very human; however, it doesn't change anything. If you have thought about things and come full circle, if possible, try to let it be for rest of the day. Worrying won't change it and only takes up time that we might fill with more pleasant thoughts.

    From your post, I hear a committed family man and husband, I hear a man who has worked hard and deserves to get through this stuff to clear his name. One moment at a time, if necessary. I hope you stay strong and safe. :hug:
     
  3. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Doublep,
    I am so very sorry for yourself and your family. Keep telling the truth, sorry not more you can do. Your family love you and would not be better off without you.
    Great idea's to distract yourself as much as possible, I wish I could do more. Please seek out professional help to help you cope. I hope talking on here helps you.
    Take care
    Kate
     
  4. Doublep

    Doublep New Member

    Thank you, your words are comforting, really!

    The situation I am in is considered a "White collar crime" and I am not locked up or anything at the moment. I have spent my whole life living by my heart. I know it can sound corny but I have. Nothing matters to me more than honesty and family. I gave 3 years of my life to my Country, I married my My High School Sweetheart who I have been with since I was 15 and my babies are more important to me than my own life. I can and have battled many things in my life....

    What I can't seem to get over is the assault on my name and intentions. I literally feel like David Vs Goliath. Since this all started we lost so much. We lost trust, privacy, our home, material things, my business and more.... Now the fact that I could be ripped from my Family and to see what that can cause brings me to a point I can not stand to face.
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    As you've said, you have had good standing in your life and community.
    Are there colleagues, friends etc. that you can call on for a character reference?

    Stress can be intolerable, so do get as much medical help as you can, post here if you need to vent and remember, everything resolves eventually.
    You have done nothing wrong, so don't let this situation beat you.
     
  6. Doublep

    Doublep New Member

    I just dont think I can hang on.... They have destroyed so much in my life. My whole family suffers from PTSD from this... I dont have a very good support group and I dont mean to take that away form my family but I do not come from a very loving outwardly family and I need that more than anything now. My wife tries hard but she is not an emotional person as far as comforting in ways I need right now. The thought of being ripped from my children is the worse thing in this life anyone can threaten me with. Without my babies, I am dead anyway.....

    It has been going on so long now I have no fight left, I am trying so hard. When all you see ahead is misery, is it better to skip the meeting entirely? I wont survive too much longer.
     
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