I am lost

[Forgotten_Man]

Things are probably not good for me. It started yesterday. I got out of bed and sat on the couch and before I knew it an hour had passed. I had just sat there. I did not fall asleep or anything I was just sitting there doing nothing. After a little thought and another hour or so I finally got up and went and did some errands. Then the nothing resumed even after I ate. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am unable to dedicate myself to not drinking. I got 10 days and then gave up again. Then I got to see something was really weird with my cat. Given her kidney problems and potentially her diabetes that is not good. She sticks to the ground she struggles to climb stairs. There are other things as well. Now I get to wait until Thursday to see the vet. I am not sure what I am going to do. I am scared that this might be a really bad thing.

This not good it is effecting my work negatively. I cannot focus I cannot do anything. I cannot have fun. All I can think about is either hoping something bad happens to me or wondering what could be wrong with my kitty. Things are just too strange and it has only been a couple of days. I am not sure how I am going to be able to kick myself back into gear. Will I be able to do it at all or is this just how I am from now on?

 

[Lara_C]

I'm sorry you're going through this @Forgotten_Man . It's natural to worry about a beloved pet, and I hope the vet is able to fix the problem quickly.

As for drinking, focus on your success in going ten days without, not your relapse. Recovery rarely goes smoothly. You've suceeded before and can do it again and if you persevere despite setbacks, you will win the battle. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself more credit and I think you will find it gets easier to prolong your success.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I'm sorry you're going through this @Forgotten_Man . It's natural to worry about a beloved pet, and I hope the vet is able to fix the problem quickly.

As for drinking, focus on your success in going ten days without, not your relapse. Recovery rarely goes smoothly. You've suceeded before and can do it again and if you persevere despite setbacks, you will win the battle. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself more credit and I think you will find it gets easier to prolong your success.

I know, just like I know that my kitty is up there in age. I know she is at least 15 so there is that to worry about too.

I do my best not to worry about it too much when I fail to sober up. However, My streaks have been going for less and less time. My first was 30 days, then 14 days now 10. It feels like I will get less and less. That number should be going up. It just makes me want to give up and get back to wrecking my liver so that nature can take its course.

I am just struggling to coup for once. I have never been this apathetic or lethargic or stuff like that. So I am a little freaked out.

 

[Lara_C]

Please keep going @Forgotten_Man . I believe you can do this. And keep talking to us here if it helps to cope with the self-sabotaging thoughts which are undermining your resolve and belief in yourself.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

@Lara_C I do not like myself. One of my mom's favorite things to point out or joke about me is the fact that I take way better care of my cats than I do myself. The only reason I have to stop drinking completely is it will help with my weight. I am trying to lose weight because it will make my life easier not necessarily because I want to be healthy or prolong my life. I just want to not be scare that my legs will give out under my weight. I am also tired of not fitting into chairs and all sorts of other things that make life miserable. I am not trying to prevent a heart attack or any of the other health problems that come from being as fat as I am. Part of likes the weight I gained because I could have a heart attack. I mean I would feel terrible leaving my kitties alone but... overall I just do not like myself.

 

[Lara_C]

Well you have love in you for your cats, so you are a good, kind person. You can spare some of it to be kinder to yourself by rejecting the self sabotaging thoughts. There are things about you you can change, and that's what you're trying to do, and you deserve credit for that. You are not less worthy of you care and kindness than your cats. I bet there's a lot of other good things about you you are not noticing as you should. I hope you start recognising them.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I guess I am not as kind as I thought I was. A while back I had some knee issues and to make feeding the kitties go faster I stopped giving my kitty her joint supplements. I guess I deserve her going around peeing in seemingly random places because well I have been neglecting those. At least my apathy is helping with the not drinking. Everything feels like a chore. Even getting drunk seemed like a chore. So I am avoiding chores and just waiting for bed time.