I am messed up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by captnhoney, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. captnhoney

    captnhoney Member

    I am a 30 yr old woman that is married and has a cat. I have been married for almost 9 yrs. I have no job or prospects. For many years I had thoughts of suicide. For the last 6 months my thoughts have gotten worse. My mom only talks to me through IM or email. Everytime she Ims me she put me down or says I am worthless. Then at the sametime she says she is angry with me for leaving home. I haven't luved at home in 11 yrs and plan on starting that. Very recently my dad had a stroke, me and my husband went there to him. We couldnt afford a plane ticket and driving was our only option and it is a 14 hr drive. We go there to see what we needed to do and alos our plan was that I stay there for a few weeks and my husband take the bus home a few days later for his job and to take care of the house. Two days later he got out of the hospital and they found out he is diabetic and has high cholesterol and other things. I myself am a diabetic and understand this. My mom wanted me to take his blood sugar and I asked her how to work the lancet. She starts yelling at me sayig I should know this and I said it is a different brand and the one I use is different. I finally figure this thing out and stick him. He wipes the blood away lol but she goes balistic yelling and screaming at us. I say I couldn't take this. I already have bad issues when she does this and it stresses me out. A few days later we checked out of the motel we was staying at and I was going to take my husband to the bus station. When we get there she is saying I should go home with him and so I did. About a few hours later she calls on my cell while we are driving and cusses me out for leaving. Everyday she says she hates me and my dad doesnt want nothing to with me. They are saying I turned my back and that all I care about is my husband. Now I am just feeling like crap and not sure what to do anymore. Yesterday she IMed me and it was brutal on me and I wanted to just end it right there. I didnt eat or sleep, I stayed up and I found this site yesterday and somethings that I read helped me stay here but I don't know if I can keep up with how she is talking to me.

    captnhoney
     
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i can relate as my mother is abusive, but i am 9-10 years your junior. all i can say is that your mother has to accept you are an adult an independant one at that, your husband is your family now, and it is not nor never will be your responcibility to look after your father or herself. yes helping out as they are your family, but actually doing everything for them, no.

    they are grown peopel as well, if your mum is having issues with caring for your father she should tell his doctor, there is help for people who cant cope. especially since your father had a stroke.

    if she continues to abuse you over the IM's and emails i suggest that you stop and tell her she is being abusive for no reason, she sent you home and they are groen adults, you hvae your own life and husband now, and as much as you want to help, you can only do so much. that you understand its stressful for her, but she should not take it out on you in anyway. and that if she persists you will have to ignor her emails, and block her ims till she calms down as it is not helping you in anyway.

    its only a suggestion, but for your own health i think you should think very hard about doing so.. your mother shouldnt treat you that way hun :hug:

    welcome to SF and i hope we can help you more through this time.

    have you tried talking to your husband about it also?
     
  3. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Darn your mom got issues :sad:. I feel bad for you, she is freaking taking out her own frustration on you and that is just WRONG!

    You need to tell her to give you respect and stop being abusive and if she cant do that then she needs to leave you the **** alone untill she can behave like your mother and not like an total ***-****.

    You dont need to take that from anyone and least from your own kins. I hope she comes to her senses soon! :hug:
     
  4. captnhoney

    captnhoney Member

    I have talked to my husband about the way she treats me and he is dumbfounded by this. He has no idea what to do, all he does is hold me when I cry or when it gets worse when I am having panic attacks. When she says awful things to me it hurts a lot and then I go into panic mode. My hearts beats very hard and I can't breathe and then I am shaking all over and feel like I am going to die. That feeling subsides after a while when I calm down and usually it is when my husband is here. There are times when he isn't here and those times I feel are very critical. My mom has been that way all my life but it has been getting worse since her mother died in 2007. I went down there then to help out. I did most of the cooking for her and my grandma, I cleaned the entire house, I ran their errands. I still got cussed at about everything. Then after I had to go home because my hubby is in the military and was about to leave for a several weeks. I needed to get back and take care of my house hold and my cat. My grandma died the day after I left. My mom was highly pissed at me for leaving when I did and she has also said I didn't do a damn thing for them. When she said that it hurt me a lot. I evern stood up for her when her sister cornered her about when she called an ambulance for grandma. She says I didnt do nothing for her. Anyway I feel real bad about what happened to my dad but I thought everything was going to be fine. Even with dad himself he is still able tomove around and do simple things and he is going to therapy as well. She is angry with me for leaving when she told me to go. She actually came back and said she gave me a choice and I chose to leave. To me it felt like she wanted me to leave, I already had a plan set in place and was needing to know when my husband could come back for me. He has a very tight schedule and knows he will be out to sea very soon for a while and I needed to know what she wanted. I cant leave my cat and my house alone when my husband is gone and I can't bring my cat with me to my parents house because they have 7 large dogs. Now with all of her bull crap it is making me either want to do 2 things. Go back down there or just stay up here. If I go back down there I have a bad feeling things would be worse, she would just eat me up alive. Then she cant say I dont care and that my husband is more impotant than them. If I stay up here I just get her crap on Im or emails. She even said in one email that he was dieing because his blood sugar was at 78 (I replied that is normal). Thean she tells me that my dad is real dissapointed in me. I go to call him Saturday night to see how he was doing and she basically took the phone from him. I asked what she was saying because she was screaming into the phone and made it echo. She then gets back on Im and gets very defensive with me saying what did I mean by what was I saying and I said you was screaming so loud that it made my phone echo. Then she says she is angry with me. What can I do when I live over 900 miles away. She wants me to buy a house right next to her, no way in hell I am living next to her. Also there are no jobs there, it is just a farming community. I feel like I am going crazy and I can't handle this anymore. I want to help my dad but I cant deal with her.

    captnhoney
     
  5. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Get angry, you are a person and nobody can treat you like that! I dont care if she gave you birth if she is going to be toxic you have to say enough is enough.

    She is having a BIG problem so you can not trust her cursing and ranting. You have to see her in the light of what she is doing to you and act to protect yourself. She was supposed to protect and support her dotter and give her the best possible upbringing. Right now she is not helping at all so you have to realize that she have been putting you down and that stops at this very moment. It ends right here right now!

    Set the foot down and get angry at her for trying to sabotage and be toxic for her own flesh and blood. I meen what the hell is that?! She cant do that! Thats just crazy!

    This is the time that you stand your ground and claim you independency. You have a life to live for yourself and your family.

    You have done all you could and you still diddent get any appreciation or even a thank you. No, hear me its time to hang up the phone, and feel good about it. Take back your life. Delete those sms of hate.

    send this to her,

    "mom, call me or sms me only "if" and "when" you have something nice to say to me, else dont bother contact me at all."

    Again if she gives you anything less then this above, hang up the phone and do it every time she starts. Dont argue with her just ignore the blameing, cursing and screeming with a quick push on the disconect button.

    If you have to remind her send another sms

    "Again!, talk to me when you can be nice to me!, I already told you once I am not having you dump on me anymore and I meen it!"

    Take back your life, get a little angry I know its your mother but all the more reason for her to get it in her head that she have to treat you good if she wants you in her life!


    Be brave, dont do anything against your will. She will try to guilt trick you but you have your own life and family now and you can not afford to be manipulated by a highly toxic mother. If she needs help there is professionals for her and besides what good would it do if she draged you with her and suckt your energy away? Nothing! Nothing but tragic would come out of that.

    So get a little pissed and disaponted, require for her to treat you like you want to be treated. That is all you can do the rest is up to her.
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree, when you are on the phone with her if she starts ranting at you just disconnect. Do that everytime until she starts to treat you fairly. Don't answer any hatefull e-mails either. Eventually she will get the message that you won't be treated that way anymore. Your husband comes first in your life now. He is your world and that is the way it should be. This is a little different but I had a job where I was on the phone with customers all day. When they would call cussing me I would just disconnect, I was in a high stress job and wasn't going to take there problems on my shoulders also. It is your choice but you don't have to be belittled by anyone. ~Joseph~
     
  7. captnhoney

    captnhoney Member

    Until now I never even thought she was verbally abusing me. She has always treated me this way over the years and I thought it was me that deserved it. I been thinking about this the few days on how she has treated me and it goes back since I was in childhood. I had thought of suicide since I was in my tens. I thought I was the one messed up. I hated being down there and she was always screaming and yelling at me about nothing. She even blames me to this day because I am the reason why she stayed with my dad this long. She says I have messed up her relationships with other men because they said they didn't want me. The last guy she was seeing online and I told her I thought he was a creep but my opinion shouldn't have mattered is she really wanted to go be with him. She is grown woman and so am I and I have made my life with my husband. I feel so bad for my husband right now he says he has no idea what to do about this. Ever since my dad got sick I haven't spent hardly anytime with him. He comes home, I fix his dinner or helps me with that and then we watch some tv and we go to bed. I feel really out of it and mentally I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck. I know I am pushing him away and I can feel his frustration. He doesn't say anything but that he understands.