I am finding it hard to resist the growing urges to damage myself, and I have even noticed that I am finding excuses to get hurt, not holding back in situations where I am getting hurt.. Now I am deeply practical. It will leave a nasty bruise, but it wont cause permanent damage and it is distracting me from thoughts of more serious self-harm... I am negotiating with my own mind. I am glad I am so practical as it has always stopped me causing permanent damage, but my current situation is not exactly ideal, aside from anything I think my ... might break, and I like this ..., an old friend bought it for me in china. I'm not really sure what posting this will accomplish, but the only person who knows anything about this is the doctor who I gave the bare minimum of information to needed for me to get antidepressants and I just need to say something, if only for some sort of outlet, I'm not sure I can just keep going for much longer carrying my own burdens and that of my entire family on top, I'm hurting myself again, so I'm clearly not doing to well.