I apologize if I am going about this wrong but I have no other options. I make appointments with a psychologist and psychiatrist but when the day comes, I can't get the courage to go to them. I have been hospitalized 2 times in the past 2 years and should have been more. I am lost and spinning. There is a point that I have seemed to reach where all rational thought has become irrational..... and vice versa. I know that how I feel is wrong but knowing only seems to make my situation worse. I have gotten FAR past "trying to find reasons to kill myself" and have reached "trying to find reasons NOT to kill myself." I have a deep deep deep history of depression and suicide in my family. I have gone as far as trying to hang myself right as my wife comes down the stairs so she could witness it but she got me out somehow and I was arrested and taken to the hospital. I know this is a horrible thing to do but after getting the calls I have from people at her office, I know she could give 2 shits about me. It's okay because I hate myself worse then she seems to hate me. Friends are a myth. All saints really had ulterior motives. Everyone is laughing at me as soon as I am out of ear's reach. Pessimists eat spicy food anticipating the pain that is inevitable. Optimists eat spicy food thinking "maybe it won't hurt this time". Am I a pessimist? You think my glass is half empty? WRONG! Broken glasses don't hold water. The only real friend i've ever had took me in when my parents kicked my out at 18 for being "an embarrassment". His parents couldn't have children so they waited on an adoption list for 7 years until they finally got Phil. He just found out he was adopted so was going through some hard times. So, they took me in. About 3 months later, my parents called and asked if I would come over to talk. I said okay and waited for their ride. When they got there, I told Phil that I would call him. 3 hours later his parents called mine in hysterics. Phil hanged himself. I was his only brother especially in his time of feeling like noone wanted him. I turned my back on him. Have you ever been responsible for someone dying? 5 years ago my 33 year old brother died of brain cancer... while his wife would sneak her lover into bed past my brothers hospice bed in the living room. He knew this was going on and told us. We thought it was delusions until 3 weeks after he died, she got remarried and disappeared with my nephews and niece. Ends up she is married to a guy with the same name my brother used to say. Now my wife seems like she is the same heartless woman that my sister in law is. I have to give my sister a kidney. This sister of mine introduced me to a 65 year old man when I was 8 to "cut his grass". Little did I know my 15 year old sister was having sex with him for money. He wanted her little brother so one day he decided to anal rape me then tell me if I say anything that my entire family would be dead. Not being able to walk, I blamed it on playing football. 5 Xrays showed nothing so they thought it was in my head. So, she can have my kidney, or both as a matter of fact. She can take whatever she wants because she already has my innocence. I go to a website that shows violent material... suicides, murders etc etc.. so I know what it looks like after. I tell myself that its to stop myself. I know now that I'm just even more numb to it then I've ever been before. When life treats you like an Asshole.... FUCK IT.