I am new and reaching..noone will help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bosshawg, Mar 16, 2010.

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  1. Bosshawg

    Bosshawg Member

    I apologize if I am going about this wrong but I have no other options. I make appointments with a psychologist and psychiatrist but when the day comes, I can't get the courage to go to them. I have been hospitalized 2 times in the past 2 years and should have been more.

    I am lost and spinning.

    There is a point that I have seemed to reach where all rational thought has become irrational..... and vice versa. I know that how I feel is wrong but knowing only seems to make my situation worse. I have gotten FAR past "trying to find reasons to kill myself" and have reached "trying to find reasons NOT to kill myself."

    I have a deep deep deep history of depression and suicide in my family.

    I have gone as far as trying to hang myself right as my wife comes down the stairs so she could witness it but she got me out somehow and I was arrested and taken to the hospital. I know this is a horrible thing to do but after getting the calls I have from people at her office, I know she could give 2 shits about me. It's okay because I hate myself worse then she seems to hate me.

    Friends are a myth. All saints really had ulterior motives. Everyone is laughing at me as soon as I am out of ear's reach. Pessimists eat spicy food anticipating the pain that is inevitable. Optimists eat spicy food thinking "maybe it won't hurt this time". Am I a pessimist? You think my glass is half empty? WRONG! Broken glasses don't hold water.

    The only real friend i've ever had took me in when my parents kicked my out at 18 for being "an embarrassment". His parents couldn't have children so they waited on an adoption list for 7 years until they finally got Phil. He just found out he was adopted so was going through some hard times. So, they took me in. About 3 months later, my parents called and asked if I would come over to talk. I said okay and waited for their ride. When they got there, I told Phil that I would call him. 3 hours later his parents called mine in hysterics. Phil hanged himself. I was his only brother especially in his time of feeling like noone wanted him. I turned my back on him. Have you ever been responsible for someone dying?

    5 years ago my 33 year old brother died of brain cancer... while his wife would sneak her lover into bed past my brothers hospice bed in the living room. He knew this was going on and told us. We thought it was delusions until 3 weeks after he died, she got remarried and disappeared with my nephews and niece. Ends up she is married to a guy with the same name my brother used to say. Now my wife seems like she is the same heartless woman that my sister in law is.

    I have to give my sister a kidney. This sister of mine introduced me to a 65 year old man when I was 8 to "cut his grass". Little did I know my 15 year old sister was having sex with him for money. He wanted her little brother so one day he decided to anal rape me then tell me if I say anything that my entire family would be dead. Not being able to walk, I blamed it on playing football. 5 Xrays showed nothing so they thought it was in my head. So, she can have my kidney, or both as a matter of fact. She can take whatever she wants because she already has my innocence.

    I go to a website that shows violent material... suicides, murders etc etc.. so I know what it looks like after. I tell myself that its to stop myself. I know now that I'm just even more numb to it then I've ever been before.

    When life treats you like an Asshole.... FUCK IT.
     
  2. becki

    becki Active Member

    im here for you beauty
    xxx
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    Welcome to the forum.

    I read all that and hear how much pain and anguish you have faced so far in your life.

    Why is it you struggle to get to see the psychiatrist and psychologist?

    I'm very sorry about the friend you lost. I don't believe you were responsible for that death. He chose to do that to himself. However, I know that a grieving mind can make you feel responsible because guilt is a normal, all be it a horrific, part of grief.

    The whole situation with your sister and your kidney and your past is incredibly complicated. Have you ever talked to her about that situation and the kidney situation? I'm so sorry that happened, I truly, truly am.

    I would also just like to ask what ulterior motive you think it is we have if we reply to your post?

    I hope that you find reaching out here is helpful to you and we can offer you some support.

    Hang in there
     
  4. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    first off i want to say welcome to the forum here. we're glad to have you here even though the circumstances are bleak atm. we're here for ya.

    i've read your story here. it was all very touching to me, but there is one thing that stands out the most to me. it's about your buddy phil. IT'S IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM YOUR FAULT FOR WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO. i just want to make this clear. i know this for a fact.

    i too was also adopted. i was told though when i was just five years old but was never allowed to discuss it. i think this was the case because maybe they just figured i should be grateful for just having a family. it's not that i wasn't grateful because i was, but the rejection of being given up is tremendous. it's all very very complicated for the one who is adopted. there is a great book on the adoptee out there it's called The Primal Wound by nancy newton verrier. i would most strongly recommend you get this book. it will give you the exact insite you need to see exactly what goes through the mind of an adoptee. it nails it on the head.

    what many adoptees don't realize is this. i have come to understand there are two real possibilities about what my situation could of been when i was given up. one being maybe they just didn't want a kid right now. just my story alone it sounds like maybe my birth mother was still in college and just wanted to persue her career and such. the thought of this sucks, but now being a birth mother myself i see there can be other reasons for being given up as well.

    i never ever pictured myself as giving up my very own flesh and blood. i mean NEVER, but i was in a situation where i just had to. this little guy of mine was conceived via a rape which complicated things for me. i had to be realistic about all of this. despite how he was conceived i love this boy very very much. he is a part of me, and i already have two other children of whom i struggle taking care of very much. i don't make much money, and i don't have a lot of things. i only live off of social security and working ten hours a week. that's it.

    i want my kids' needs to be provided for. in my definition this is them having the best. it doesn't mean they're always going to be wearing nike's or wearing ecko shirts or whatever. that's not what i mean. i just want my kids to be able to have a roof over their heads, food in their stomach and a decent education, and a whole lot of love. when this little man of mine was conceived i was in a psych facility. don't misunderstand me no one at the actual facility did this to me. it was someone outside of the facility. my kids were staying with their dad at this time. i lost my home and most of my possessions. i didn't have anything. i was literally starting over.

    i had to be realistic here. i was not going to be able to provide for him the way he deserved to be provided for. not only this but keeping him could have also taken away my now childrens young lives because i would of had to of counted on them all the time to take care of him while i worked, made my appointments and those sorts of things. i don't believe in abortion. i believe once conceived that child is meant to be here. they have a reason for being.

    so i found myself considering adoption, but this was absolutely gut wrenching for me. i cried and cried and cried about this, but i also thought at the time that adoption was only a closed option. this meaning when you give the child up you never know what's happened with them or how they're doing and those sorts of things. i honestly couldn't bear the thought of this. i couldn't let him go and never know what happened to him. i just couldn't. so i found myself trying to figure out how i could keep him. i couldn't figure this one out either.

    back in the day adoptions were only closed ones, but i began to do a little research and found out that there are now open adoptions. this consisted of being able to be a part of the childs life. i would be able to watch him grow up. he could know me and his siblings. this option was incredibly encouraging to me. i can't even tell you. this is the route i chose to take. my little man is now going to be five years old in april. he is in an incredibly loving home. all of his needs are provided for. we get to see him all the time. i'd say we probably get to hang out with him about three times a month. him and his little brother who they also adopted love having us over. we all love to hang out and play. in fact they are coming over here later today to go to the dog park with us. i look very forward to this.

    all that being said is only to say that now i have experienced that not all adoptions were just because they were just being abandoned. some of them are done because the parent loves the child so much and just wants all their needs to be provided for. i didn't give my son up because i don't love him or didn't want him. in fact i gave him up because i do love him very much. i wanted to know that he was going to be well taken care of, and you know what? he is. the bonus is i get to be a part of his life and my kids still get to know their little brother too. it's become a win win situation.

    unfortunately phil never made it this far to learn these types of things. all he could feel was the rejection that goes along with being given up, and the sting of not knowing where he came from. i struggled with this for a long time myself. i tried to end things as well when i was going through this. it really is quite tough on the adoptee. i am sure phil knew you were there for him. he was your friend, but the pain he was feeling from this became greater than him. that's very unfortunate for you, him and his family.

    i've said all this hoping to give you a little clearer picture of what one goes through when they're in these shoes. and again i want to reitterate to you there is no possible way this was your fault. it wasn't about who was there for him or who wasn't. it was all the shame, not feeling good enough, and those sorts of things that go along with being adopted that dragged him down. unfortunately he secummed to it.

    i would address more of what you've written about right now, but i'm sure you've heard enough from me atm. so i will give you a little space here and some time to digest this and come back another time to share some more. i just hope what i have shared can help ease at least just a little bit of your pain where phil concerned and provide just a little understanding about what one goes through when they are adopted. it's all so very complicated.

    anyways, i will shut up now. i hope you've heard what i've said cause i mean every word of it. i would encourage you to please keep sharing. keep venting here. we'll listen. please take care and i look forward to seeing you around the forum.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad you are reaching out here for support but you really need to get in to see psychiatrist for help and meds to get yu stable and to get therapy for all your trauma. I feel responsible for my brothers suicide i will never forgive me for that one. so i understand that pain get help okay you deserve peace and happiness.
     
  6. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    No, that's not true. You are part of life and your life matters more than you realize. You are a part of the chain of life, if that makes sense, and if you don't reponse, good or bad, we have lost the link in the chain. Just think about this for a moment. I do not expect you to get it completely, but I truly hope you get something that resonates with you because that is all that matters.
     
  7. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    Hi welcome,

    What happened to your friend wasn't your fault, you were great to show him your support and it is very sad what happened but you should never blame yourself for it :hug:

    I think you need to talk to someone about what happened to you with your sister and the man, maybe with your sister she may regret what happened and talking with her may help you to work through it. If not though perhaps someone else. Keep trying to see someone (perhaps there is someone who can go with you for extra support?).

    I hope we can support you in the way you need. You are never alone here :hug:
     
  8. Bosshawg

    Bosshawg Member

    I apologize for my language and am thankful that you have all taken time to reply to me.

    I keep having nightmares.... when I do finally fall asleep.... about the scariest things imaginable. Why do I have to remember everything about every dream I have? Is this normal? Is it normal to have nightmares every single night?

    I mentioned how "all rational thought has become irrational". This is in every aspect other then Phil. Phil is my fault. There is nothing anyone will ever be able to tell me that will change this. If I didn't leave, if I noticed enough to see the depth of his anguish, he would still be here. His birthday was last week. He would have turned 33. His wonderful and kind parents would have grandchildren.

    I've tried and tried every June 10 (day of his suicide) to get enough courage to visit his parents. I haven't spoken to them since that day. I know if I go there and they have ANY issues with me that I will not be able to cope and will put my car into a tree or get my old gun back from my cousin and use it correctly this time. (a misfire put me in the hospital just over 2 years ago. Sitting here, called a help hotline and decided it was over.. pulled the trigger and nothing happened. Just the loudest "click" I've ever heard. The hammer dropping on my pistol sounded like a nuclear bomb going off next to my ear. I supposed it's because of my expectation of what it would sound like.)

    I am 33 years old. I look like im 20. I feel like im 60. I have 2 herniated disks in my lower back with nerve damage from when I was a lumberjack. I am addicted to vicodin. I take ten - twelve 10/500 hydrocodone pills a day. I get dope sick if I dont take one every 2 hours. I live in constant pain. I used to be a star high school athlete with recruiters coming to watch me play. Now I'm a broken down 33 year old who is too afraid to deal with the world to even leave the house.... the house that is in foreclosure now because workers compensation said that I am "MMI" or "Maximum Medical Improvement". This means that I can not get any better. It doesnt mean that Im fixed or that it matters that Im not fixed. It's their way of not having to pay me anymore.

    I have an 8 year old daughter who my wife insisted get on ADHD medication. (we fought and fought and fought about this due to what was done to me as a teenager with meds) She ended up taking her without my knowing and started her on Adderall. Now my daughter pulls out her own hair and eats it. She is covered in bald spots. I can't watch her turn into me.

    To who asked about the "Saints have ulterior motives".... I wasn't implying that anyone helping me was a saint. Im so low on Gods list that being a saint for helping me is the furthest thing away from what would happen. If there is a God, he has his giant magnifying glass aimed at me like a kid with an ant on a hot summer day. What I meant is that I am sure that throughout history, EVERY saint has thought at one time or another "Look at me. Look at what Im doing for people. Aren't I a great and wonderful person for doing such selfless things? Look at me everybody.. I SAID LOOK AT ME DAMNIT!"

    The things I have said are only a small fraction of what I have had to go through or am currently going through. There is no hope for me . Maybe I am hoping that if I chronicle all of this that someone in the future will read it and find strength from it. There is only one way out of this. I don't believe in the afterlife. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I believe we are all a product of the earth. We are born from dirt and when we die, we return to dirt. I've jumped through the hoops of the mental health industry. I've gone through the "wait 30 days and let me know if this works" bullcrap. I just don't have the strength or drive to do it anymore. I am unwanted. I am undeserving. I am broken.

    There is a documentary called "The Bridge" where a director and crew stood ground at the Golden Gate Bridge for a year and recorded a LOT of people committing suicide or attemting suicide. The film shows them jumping.. shows interviews with family members... shows the pacing back and forth on the bridge. At the end there is a man who just stands up and falls backwards off the bridge. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so graceful. He just stood up, stretched his arms faaaaar out to his sides and fell back, holding his position until the water engulfed him. He was morbidly depressed like me but for those 5 or so seconds where he was falling, he looked like the most peaceful person I've ever seen. I envy him. 33 years of pain would be worth those 5 seconds or bliss.
     
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I hear that you don't want us to tell you its not your fault about Phil, however, have you considered that maybe his parents blame themselves as much as you do? Maybe more? Maybe they are terrified that you might turn up incase you blame them? Maybe they might want to talk to you to tell you they DON'T blame you.His others friends and relatives may feel the same. If his biological family tried to trace him, maybe they also feel the same. Its a cliched thing to say 'suicide spreads' but it is true because of the guilt and blame people take from it.

    If you were to go, to die, you would be instilling that guilt you feel about Phil, onto all others who care about you. I would think your daughter would be top of that list. Its hard to watch someone hurt themselves, but while you are alive you are able to be there for her, support her and help her in any way you can.

    I was the one who mentioned the ulterior motives, but I wasn't referring to the saints part. I was interested in what you thought our ulterior motives were when we replied and heard your call of distress.

    It does sound like things are incredibly hard for you, and I'm sorry you are suffering so much.
     
  10. Bosshawg

    Bosshawg Member

    This topic of my daughters is a rather difficult one to explain and to deal with. This is where my "rational thought becomes irrational" comes into play.

    In my head, somehow, I instilled a "fact" that my absence would be the best thing for them. A typical father would do anything for his children and I feel the same way. The thing with me is that I would DIE for them and feel like I should to save them from a lifetime of my constant "E ore' Syndrome", my emotional roller coaster rides and my bitterness towards the world in general. I don't tell my wife that I know about her affair because that would mean divorce which in turn means I wouldn't have the brightest moment of every day which is waking them up in the morning and seeing their smiles.

    I am a thinker. Being this has more disadvantages then advantages. My entire life, I have been able to learn anything very quickly and excel in it no matter what it may be, sports or academic. I've just always had a voice in my head, not a schizophrenic voice but rather my own voice, telling me things about how everyone wants to hurt me, to be careful and not trust anyone and so on and so forth. For lack of an easier way to put it, I've been living my entire life afraid of life which is odd because I'm sort of fearless. I just don't know how else to put it. I'm not a small guy. 6'2" 210. I' was always one of the tallest kids in school. A lot of people even say I'm more then attractive. None of any of this matters when you hate yourself as much as I do.

    I apologize. I could type forever. Right now it seems like it's the only thing to stop my spinning. I'm so tired. It's like someone keeps spinning me like a top on top of the empire state building then I slowly glide over and over and over until I finally fall off and right before I hit the ground (after finally accepting my inevitable fate as in the certain death of hitting the ground) something catches me and takes me back to the top of the building to do it all over again... and again.. and again.. again again again. It is a torturous way of existing. I find myself fighting to take each breath in, as though with each breath is a another guaranteed day of anguish and possible heartbreak.
     
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What you describe with your daughter is a pretty typical depression created thought. It's also very easy to convince yourself that everyone will be better without you if you do hate yourself.

    You and your wife could choose to work through an affair if you both wanted to. I know people who have done it. It wouldn't be easy, but with both of you trying, it could be doable.

    That voice is something, again, that a lot of people have. Do you know what first made that voice? It sounds like it is always on alert for people hurting you and breaking your trust. What happens if you ignore that part of you, or try to do things to prove it wrong?

    Have you tried to build your self esteem?

    If typing helps then please, go for it. Type as much or as little as you feel you need to.
     
  12. Bosshawg

    Bosshawg Member

    This topic of my daughters is a rather difficult one to explain and to deal with. This is where my "rational thought becomes irrational" comes into play.

    In my head, somehow, I instilled a "fact" that my absence would be the best thing for them. A typical father would do anything for his children and I feel the same way. The thing with me is that I would DIE for them and feel like I should to save them from a lifetime of my constant "E ore' Syndrome", my emotional roller coaster rides and my bitterness towards the world in general. I don't tell my wife that I know about her affair because that would mean divorce which in turn means I wouldn't have the brightest moment of every day which is waking them up in the morning and seeing their smiles.

    I am a thinker. Being this has more disadvantages then advantages. My entire life, I have been able to learn anything very quickly and excel in it no matter what it may be, sports or academic. I've just always had a voice in my head, not a schizophrenic voice but rather my own voice, telling me things about how everyone wants to hurt me, to be careful and not trust anyone and so on and so forth. For lack of an easier way to put it, I've been living my entire life afraid of life which is odd because I'm sort of fearless. I just don't know how else to put it. I'm not a small guy. 6'2" 210. I' was always one of the tallest kids in school. A lot of people even say I'm more then attractive. None of any of this matters when you hate yourself as much as I do.

    I apologize. I could type forever. Right now it seems like it's the only thing to stop my spinning. I'm so tired. It's like someone keeps spinning me like a top on top of the empire state building then I slowly glide over and over and over until I finally fall off and right before I hit the ground (after finally accepting my inevitable fate as in the certain death of hitting the ground) something catches me and takes me back to the top of the building to do it all over again... and again.. and again.. again again again. It is a torturous way of existing. I find myself fighting to take each breath in, as though with each breath is a another guaranteed day of anguish and possible heartbreak.
     
  13. Bosshawg

    Bosshawg Member

    I first got the voice not long after I was raped. It originated as a comfort for me, assuring me that what happened would not happen again and if it did, that I could deal with it because I was already dealing with the first time. It gradually turned into a voice of paranoia, telling me that everyone was this way. It went as far as me telling myself my parents knew about it which explained why they didn't seem to notice that it wasn't my leg that was hurt. There were a lot of bathroom issues as well during that time.

    On Christmas Eve the year my brother died, my mother was obviously depressed, but so was I. Everyone in my family (father is one of 8 kids who all have their own kids and so on) everyone comes over for Christmas eve. At least 30 people every year. So, I go up to my mother who was worrying everyone and try to hug her. She tells me... in front of EVERYONE "I don't have a son anymore." Kind of "off" seeing how I'm her son and all. Everyone seen the hurt on my face and instead of consoling her began consoling me even though I tried not to show much emotional recoil from it afterward.

    My mother had a large part in raising my oldest daughter. My wife and I both worked so she would baby sit. My daughter was 5 and my mother took a box cutter to her wrist, almost removing her hand.

    This is getting to be too much to handle right now. I'll try to come back later and finish this train of thought.

    Thank you all so very much for your time.
     
  14. Bosshawg

    Bosshawg Member

    So I had an appointment with a councilor today and completely forgot how much I despise people who sit there pretending to care so they can get paid, then forward you to a doctor to dope you up on meds.

    I'm done.

    There is no reason to have to live like this. Everyday I search for excuses to live when they are really just that..... excuses.

    It's not worth living a life where I have to walk around with a pair of mental crutches. I bet if they didn't put me on 5 different meds when I was 15 then I would be able to handle every day stress without feeling like my head is about to explode from the pressure of 10 billion thoughts spinning around in there.

    After thinking of the perfect way to do it, I have it. I'm not going to share it but noone will know it's suicide. My kids will get my life insurance money.

    Thank you to anyone who previously commented.
     
  15. slowdrum13

    slowdrum13 Member

    I would definately recomend seeing the psychiatrist. From seeing mine, I can say that it by no means helps, but you can get alot of drugs out of him. Just ask and he throws pills at me. Do you live in a state with medical marijuana?
     
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