I am new here and I just need to get things off my chest

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by In_Love_and_In_Pain, Mar 7, 2008.

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  1. Hello everyone, I am new here.
    I guess I can say that I have been married and in denial for 4 years about my abuse. My story is probably the same as everyone else or probably not. I've been married for 4 years, I have a baby daughter. My husband and I relationship started out sweet ( take me out to dinner, buy me roses, ect.) I first notice my husband had an anger problem a year into our marriage. One day I told him that I wanted to be alone and the first thing he did was got mad and said " So it's over? You're divorcing me?!" I said " No, I just want to be by myself for a while." Through out or whole relationship I notice that he can not take rejection, every time I say/said I want/wanted to be alone he blows up. The times he's gotten angry are:
    1. When I was sick and didn't feel like being bothered, he drug me out of bed and hit me
    2. I wanted to spend time over my sister's house so I pack my stuff and was half way out of the house when he came and drug me from the front yard to the back yard to a Seward hole and threaten to thrown me down there if I left him.
    3. He hit me when I was pregnant with my baby daughter.
    4. When I said I wanted a divorce and he took my baby daughter and was gone for several hours, when the police came he tried to convince the police that I was crazy and was trying to harm my baby.
    The list goes on from cheating on me to giving me a Venereal Disease. I've asked him " Would you want your daughter to be with someone like you?" He said " No!" I asked him "Then why do you do it to me?" He's convinced me that it's might fault that he does what he does. My excuses of Why I won't leave? Because I do not want my daughter to grow up with out a father in her life. I've seen movies and shows about women being abused but I always think " That's not me!" but I've come to realize that it IS me.
  2. Hon,

    Your story is all too sadly familiar. That's not to say you're not unique because YOU are the one going through it! To realize that you are "trapped" (a common feeling) in an abusive relationship is a first step, though not at all a pleasant one. It's a terribly bitter realization, not to mention surreal...

    Many illusion die - yet often, many women (not that this is at all exclusive to our sex) try to hang on to hope that "he will change, things will change, if only I didn't piss him off (!)"... and the like. There are sometimes even conciliatory moments where it seems like this is possible, but so long as the abuser remains in denial (which is usually likely the case) of the consequences of his irrational and brutal behavior - NOTHING will change. It very rarely does. And there is no sense whatsoever in embracing that slim chance, the odds being what they are...

    Another 'common' theme is that of manipulation and deliberate, intended isolation, "controlling you" - cutting you off from the outside, and becoming enraged when you go against his "wishes". As well, unfortunately, the law has largely still not caught up with the reality of abuse, let alone how to deal with it - and yes - the abuser is often VERY convincing!! That alone could literally blow your mind!!

    It's also clear that this has been escalating, and that you are more and more in danger (and so is your child). In fact, not to discourge anyone at all in leaving, the reality is that depending on the severity, many women are often in more danger having left, because blind retribution becomes the single obsessive goal of the abuser.

    You DO have a few options though! To find possible avenues for you to pursue, there are likely women's shelters and crisis lines in your community. CALL THEM! The shelters may give you temporary refuge, though I know it will be a further upheaval in your life. But #1 right now is your safety and that of your child. Also, it might be prudent to try to plan a little bit ahead if you have the presence of mind - to arrange some funds for yourself, clothing - a "get-away" package, and, although it seems unnecessary and even extreme, to let as few people as possible know about your discreet plan - as abusers have a way of getting things out of people who may mean well but have no idea of the truly dire situation you are in. Like I said, they're eerily effective smooth talkers.

    I don't mean to scare you more than you already are (God knows!), and I know the bitter reality of being forced to do SOMETHING weighs heavy on you! But DO call someone, preferably not a family member but rather someone who's had experience in dealing with this horrible situation!!

    I'm so sorry this was quite long - but there's a lot to be said on the matter, and unfortunately, there is no easy, quick solution. I wish you strength and determination, knowing also that this is hard-won, but it IS worthwhile...

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