I typed too much, I really just meant to keep it short and say hi but it sort of just happened like this. So...here's a quick story about how I arrived at this forum. I've been having a rough time lately and I googled "I want to kill myself" Why? I don't know. I thought maybe Google would care. So I clicked a random page of search results and found this site so I thought maybe I should sign up here. They'll understand where I am. Anyways...I wonder what this cupcake button does :cupcake: Alright that's what it does. Man I love cupcakes. <3 I realized the text below was kind of a downer when I was done, I tried to add some happier things in there at random. I just had to do it. Some of it really seems more like a rant than an introduction. I'm sorry. It's hard to post about my own life, but I guess I need to get over it and pour all of this out of my little heart before it explodes. I always feel like someone I know is just sifting through the internet to try and find what I'm doing so they can ridicule me. It doesn't make sense but I've been sitting here for half an hour and typed this much. It's probably because I was bullied a lot. A skinny boy with red hair? Yeah, let's make him feel terrible because we feel terrible. Did the school do anything about it? No, of course not. Those guys are on our football team. The principal loves the football team. They made it seem like it must have been something I was doing, I was the one at fault. That's the American public educational system for you. My parents were pretty bad alcoholics around the time I hit middle school and through high school. During such an important developmental time of my life I had no support from them and became unable to properly communicate with other people due to the depression destroying my self esteem and causing me to sit around alone and do nothing, I had almost no friends then and I have almost no friends now. I even stayed up many nights because there was no way I could sleep when I knew my parents would come home drunk at 11pm yelling, beating each other, and breaking things. I couldn't even call the police, all the police did when I tried was create more financial burdens on our family, increasing stress, and increasing the problems. They told me they were staying together for us, their kids. JUST GET A DIVORCE, YOU'RE KILLING ME! I love the sound of the violin and I would like to learn to play. My first suicide attempt was when I was 15, after a relationship ended. I was on anti-depressants already and I had taken the whole bottle. The pills ended up being harmless, I didn't know that. I still feel pretty dumb about that. I was forcefully admitted to a hospital, didn't even get to bring a change of clothes, or deodorant. Oh well, the insurance kicked me out after 72 hours anyways. One of the ladies that worked there was in her 20's and wore combat boots to work, I'm pretty sure she was there so that the boys would feel comfortable talking to someone who wasn't old and look like their parents. I blamed my ex, I blamed her again and again. I'm sorry to you, ex girlfriend. You didn't deserve all that. I wish I could tell that to you instead of having to post it online. Coffee...mmmm coffee. Will you marry me, coffee? We would have the best ginger coffee offspring. On second thought, I don't know if I'd drink ginger coffee. The other time was a couple years later when I was 17. I wanted to die but I also thought, well maybe I'll wake up the next morning anyways, whatever. It was a combination of around 50 pills, I don't know the dosage. I had taken <mod edit - methods>. I was then laying on the couch my sister on the other side, and then next I woke up the next morning. I missed the bus, my family wasn't there and no one knew what I did. Did they even try to wake me up? My sister told me I was "spazzing out" on the couch. I don't know what that means as I was asleep. I admitted myself to the hospital this time. The same ex visited me with a friend, she asked me if it was because of her and I told her it wasn't. It really wasn't. I hope she knows that. It's not your fault and it never was. I still cry about the things I said to you. After 72 hours I was kicked out by the insurance company. I love my little sister. I had forgotten how much it would hurt her if I was gone until right now. I don't even know how much I've hurt her already, it never showed. Or maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention. She probably didn't want me to see her sad too. I hate myself. I turned 18 and started smoking/drinking. I hadn't done any sort of drug previously, but with MJ and booze came friends. Unfortunately some of them have moved on to stronger drugs and we do not speak anymore. I met another girl and we dated for a year, then we moved in because she was moving away to college and my dad was kicking me out anyways. My parents divorced soon after. Would have been 3 years together by now if it hadn't been for the last few months. I turned 21 and started drinking all the time. One day we were fighting, our sex life was no longer existent, we never did anything together and I was upset about it. It just never really came out until I was drunk. She told me she has no interest in sex. Then something slipped out that I regret, and always will. I told her if I caught her cheating I'd kill her. So she left, as she should have. That was a really messed up thing to say. I was so paranoid she was cheating on me, she never communicated and never wanted to do anything together or have sex. Whenever something was wrong and I asked her about it, all she said was, "I don't know." Maybe she wasn't hiding anything and really didn't know. I really like my job, two weeks ago I was hired from temporary employee to full time. If it wasn't for that, I don't know where I'd be right now. The same situation occurred, I blamed her and threatened suicide. She wouldn't even come over to my apartment to hang out, she said she'd hang out with me in public, but I refused like a child. A month and a half later (Last Friday) I asked her to go get some coffee. She told me that I felt "overly entitled" to her. You can't tell me what I feel, and you're wrong. I just wanted to be friends and make up for what I did. It's too late, she won't be my friend, she won't even talk to me. She only talked to me until she convinced me to call a counselor, then she stopped responding. I don't think I can call that counselor back, I'm too hurt. At least I got to tell this ex I was sorry. Not that she cared, nothing I do is/was ever good enough for her. It never was and never will be. I just wanted to be friends, and now I'm stuck with these thoughts of self harm. I really messed that one up, and there's no taking it back now. She'll never forgive me. I don't even think I can forgive myself. I have been thinking all weekend of buying <mod edit - methods> this week. I have no plans for use currently. I mentioned my younger sister, but I also have an older brother. I didn't want to leave him out. He moved to another state (USA), I'm not sure which one. So here I am today. I need to go to bed now though because I have to wake up early in the morning for work. If you made it through all of that text (I know, it's a long post. My brain wouldn't stop it kept typing and typing.) Thank you for reading, you must be made of 100% authentic patience combined with greatness. I hope you have a swell day. I just can't hit the submit button.:frown: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy uuuuuurrrrrrrgggghhhhh. I just keep editing it. It's way past my bedtime. What a scrambled mess this post is, just like my brain. Alright. Here it goes. Right now. Just click that button.