I won't even bother to introduce myself, because as I've been told so many times over, I'm a good for nothing child not honorable enough to even deserve a mention. As the title says, I am not built for life. I simply cannot stand the strain, the stress, it's all too much, too overwhelming, it's all raining down on me at once. Exams in two months... Ninth grade... About to leave primary school and face a more specialized faculty... If I pass... Which I will not... The stress, oh the stress, that's the worst of it. I truly can't bear it much longer. Even worse, I've nobody to tell. My mother? Keeps pushing on me, telling me to study whenever I get the chance (hint: I don't want to study anymore, I just don't want to. It makes me sick, it poisons my life, it demoralizes me). Whenever I dare mention (like this evening) that I truly believe I can't do it, and that I've set a goal far out of my reach, she just proceeds to yell at me, saying that I'm shitting in my own mouth, and that I'm just lazy and not willing to work for success. She's so horrible at empathy, I've never met anyone worse. She cannot sympathize with other people, it's just impossible in her case, oh but she can be condescending alright, she always is. My father? He's overly optimistic, believing I am intelligent enough to do it, feeding me with false motivation. My grandmother? Perhaps the most understanding, but at the same time the scariest of the bunch. Friends? They don't give a damn. In short, I've got nobody to talk to. Not even my counselor can be trusted, because I know she'll talk, no matter how many times I say I'd like to keep what's said in the room, well, in the room! I won't make it. I've always been quite uncertain, but this is the final straw. I just know I can't. Today is the first day of the end of my ambitions. I consider killing myself every single day, but in the end, there are three things keeping me alive. My dog. My father (I just couldn't bear hurting him this much). A sliver of hope. I am also afraid that it would hurt, <mod edit - methods> I keep reading about student suicides all over the world, all because of nonsensical exams. Either I succeed, become a theoretical physicist, and live happily ever fucking after, or I die. Or I join a private military company and dispose of myself that way. It's all or nothing for me. It's just the type of person I am. Proud and ambitious. Well, only proud now. I'm weak, but I want to go out as a man, not as a child.