I am not built for life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Professor Lambda, Feb 2, 2016.

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  1. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    I won't even bother to introduce myself, because as I've been told so many times over, I'm a good for nothing child not honorable enough to even deserve a mention.

    As the title says, I am not built for life. I simply cannot stand the strain, the stress, it's all too much, too overwhelming, it's all raining down on me at once. Exams in two months... Ninth grade... About to leave primary school and face a more specialized faculty... If I pass... Which I will not...

    The stress, oh the stress, that's the worst of it. I truly can't bear it much longer. Even worse, I've nobody to tell. My mother? Keeps pushing on me, telling me to study whenever I get the chance (hint: I don't want to study anymore, I just don't want to. It makes me sick, it poisons my life, it demoralizes me). Whenever I dare mention (like this evening) that I truly believe I can't do it, and that I've set a goal far out of my reach, she just proceeds to yell at me, saying that I'm shitting in my own mouth, and that I'm just lazy and not willing to work for success. She's so horrible at empathy, I've never met anyone worse. She cannot sympathize with other people, it's just impossible in her case, oh but she can be condescending alright, she always is.

    My father? He's overly optimistic, believing I am intelligent enough to do it, feeding me with false motivation. My grandmother? Perhaps the most understanding, but at the same time the scariest of the bunch. Friends? They don't give a damn. In short, I've got nobody to talk to. Not even my counselor can be trusted, because I know she'll talk, no matter how many times I say I'd like to keep what's said in the room, well, in the room!

    I won't make it. I've always been quite uncertain, but this is the final straw. I just know I can't. Today is the first day of the end of my ambitions. I consider killing myself every single day, but in the end, there are three things keeping me alive. My dog. My father (I just couldn't bear hurting him this much). A sliver of hope. I am also afraid that it would hurt, <mod edit - methods> I keep reading about student suicides all over the world, all because of nonsensical exams.

    Either I succeed, become a theoretical physicist, and live happily ever fucking after, or I die. Or I join a private military company and dispose of myself that way. It's all or nothing for me. It's just the type of person I am. Proud and ambitious. Well, only proud now. I'm weak, but I want to go out as a man, not as a child.
  2. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I am so sorry for what you feel and for not having someone to share it with, them. But coming here is a good way of sharing what you feel and what you are going through with others in similar situations.

    You didn't mention your country but in some countries, school pressure is just too high. It even harder close to exam times. It's very good that you consider talking to others about your stress, I really wish you to find someone to talk about it face to face, but if not, we are here for you, we are here to read what you feel.
  3. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    there is nothing such as giving up with dignity, and i think you have the ability to see the future. you said you will fail the exam. how can you see the future please read mine too so i can see my future :) first of all i dont know if you belive in evolution but you cant expect your parents to understand you. in these days teenager are brilliant than their parents. in that point you have to be an adult one. capabilities comes with liabilities. want to be a man? tell us more we want to hear from you please
  4. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Unfortunately from many stories I have read and heard, and from my own experience parents seem to not realise or are indifferent as to the serious effects their actions and words can have on a child's mental health and how long lasting it can be. One day you will be able to be free of that environment.

    In relation to your exam, all you can ever do really is prepare and try your best. So do that. Fear is normal given the ridiculous level of pressure which is often placed on students, but courage is trying through the fear anyway. Good luck with them, and keep thinking of your dog and dad :)
  5. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Well, even my 'expert' counselor confirmed today that I'd best not even apply for that school... Apparently, even if I got in, I'd barely pass. Pretty discouraging.

    I'll give it a shot anyway. I've decided that if I fail, I'll enlist in the United States Ground Forces when I turn 17. That's two years, filled by my upcoming astrophysics course at the planetarium. After that, well, I'll serve my country (I am a dual citizen), and with a bit of luck, I'll die trying! It's all gone to hell so fast. But I guess not everyone gets to be educated, as much as I'd absolutely love to be an intellectual elite. It's just impossible in my case.

    However, I am quite good with guns.
  6. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    dont you think that we need more educated people than soldiers in this world? nothing is the end you can draw your way. anyway you want. glad to hear you cleared your head and have some options such as military. i went to college for economics than i left because it wasnt for me i was bored :( i chose another speciality and im doing what i want to do now. you saying that you have better relationship with your dad, so what would you lose if you ask his opinion. sometimes when i dont know what to do asking people and analysing feedbacks. you should try i think
  7. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    My father is overly optimistic. He says I can do it if I want to, but everyone else just discourages me, telling me I'll fail. We do need more educated people. I wanted to be that educated person. However, the odds are simply not in my favor. But such is life.

    The military calls. Let's just hope there's still a war to fight.
  8. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    have you every talked someone who served as a soldier? you should get an opinion. just an advice
  9. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Honestly, I'd do it just to get myself killed doing something meaningful.
  10. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    huh? you serious? that means you still giving up instead of being a meaningful person.
  11. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    The opportunity to be a meaningful and educated person may very well be taken from me in the near future. I just want to make plans. I believe I have forgotten to thank you for your highly appreciated words of encouragement. I will still try to finish those goddamn exams, but the odds are I'll fail miserably.
  12. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I suppose then every person in the world that is not a physicist lives a meaningless existence? Meaning is what you choose it to be and fluid and changing. If you are thirsty a person that digs a well is very meaningful. If you are hungry an illiterate field worker picking crops is more meaningful to you than a Nobel prize. If you are cold and in the rain then the person that invuites you inside their home has far more meaning then any celebrity or athlete.

    Throwing around ideas about what things have meaning and what do not does not work well unless you live in a tiny little world where your focus and and experience are too narrow to see then many thousands of meaningful things that go on around them every day to allow then that luxury of belief that they will having meaning only bu following a single path.

    It is NOT your parent that make you see no meaning in anything else regardless of what they may say or do. It is you choosing to repeat it. In another year or 2 many many choices will be yours alone to make if you choose to. And if you truly believe taking an extras year or few years to accomplish something renders both that and your life without meaning then you do need to study far more because a theoretical physicist does need a firmer grasp on reality before delving into the realms of multiple realities...
  13. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    This is true, of course. That's why humanity isn't a single man, but an expansive system. I am not suited to be a carpenter. I am not suited to be an infantryman. I am not suited to be a psychologist, doctor, or farmer. I am not even suited to be a physicist or chemist. So what's left for me then? I am useless.

    I suppose my hatred for everything has grown so much that the only way I can get back at the world is to support wars and manufacture/develop weapons more deadly than every before. That's what I'm good at. Weapons. I'm good at making them, and I'm good at using them. I am a psychopath, and a natural born killer, and I feel no remorse, but I'm so physically frail, there is no chance of me becoming a soldier. So I suppose I can make weapons for those who are.

    Leave the nuclear bombs to the physicists, I'll focus on creating the most efficient weapons history has seen, just to get revenge on the system, and on myself.
  14. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    Thats the way you thank us? With killing us? and i want to ask you if you ever been carpenter or farmer?
  15. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Wars will always be fought, with or without me. One man will change nothing. My weapons might even save the lives of innocent people.
  16. ApexAsura

    ApexAsura Active Member

    I feel you on a deep level i also feel useless in this world. I am 23 years old and been on my own abandoned since i was 17. I have had a shitty life, an abusive father, demanding step mom on my grades wanted 3.5 gpa or higher or i was grounded also literally anything was "disrespectful" and my dad threatened to kill my at least 6 times the earliest being when i was 6 years old(pretty mentally damaging dont you think?). I suffer from Depression,anxiety,adhd, possibly ptsd thanks to him and they never cared to look into my health just bullied me when i cried or threatened me. Thankfully i had my grandmother whom cared for me and is the only family that really does that took me in... i was hollow for 6 months not wanting to think about how i tried my hardest just to be abandoned so easily then i eventually started to get jobs, work, try and get on my own feet. I succeeded a few times but honestly im useless in this world and how its set up as well, jobs are so damn demanding they know they can replace you easily so thats exactly what they do. They breath down your neck as your working, judge you, and tell you youre not doing your best when you are and you try to explain that you're doing your best you're not stopping at all and continuously moving but they dont care. Once again trying your best just to be treated like your best isnt good enough and youre trash. I have attempted all kinds of jobs all resulting in being bullied by my bosses and let go. Yes, i try my hardest even tho i hate the world, even tho i dont like the way things are set up, and cant do what i want unless i waste 90% of my life working. This world is just not worth living cons out way the pros. I find myself being less and less interested in anything. Everyone easily leaves, your best is never good enough, I just want to sleep, dream be in a world where im free and happy. I have spent 5 years doing my best, trying my hardest to be an adult and enjoy things but in the end i just end up losing more and more interest in living and goals are all fading, reasons to live amount to zero. At this point even the infinite void of nothingness is better then this hell of a world.
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