i am not for this world.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Elijah, Feb 24, 2014.

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  1. Elijah

    Elijah New Member

    On few ocasions when i was younger, i had people who would try to commit suicide , and i had to deal with them, alone, because others just seem to dont care.
    First when it happened, i was in elementary school, 7th grade. I was 13.
    It was my mother. She had a mental breakdown, and my father didnt wanted to stick around, so he went away for that day.
    I almost had to break bathroom door, because she was inside crying. Then i realised that she was lying on bathroom floor and that her body was blocking the door. I pushed it somehow and took her out of there. She was lying in bed whole day crying and crying. I didnt knew what to do so i was pacing in my room for hours thinking what could happen.
    Second time i encountered similar situation was 1 year later where my friend from school was litterally blackmailing me to hang out with him or othewise he would kill himself. He is also male like me and i am not gay, we were just hanging out untill he started to be more and more pushing towards me, non stop trying to talk to me. I was litterally stalked by him. I dont know whats wrong with him. But i felt so empty on inside during those few days when he was only talking about killing himself. I somehow managed to make him go away from my life.
    Then after few years, my mother again had mental breakdown and then she tried to <mod edit - methods>
    My dad went away again and i was left alone with her. So i was talking to her for hours.
    In highschool, i ecnoutered a girl who threaten to kill herself because i didnt wanted to have relationship with her.
    Later during the years my mother also had few mental breakdowns because financial situation is really bad. My dad is not working, so they spent my heritage that my grandmother left me when she died in order to cover their debts. But that was not enough, they are in debt to this day.
    I was bullied trough school for being poor,alot, but people never took me seriously, so i coudnt defend myself against alot of them. I never actually had a friend, only people who would try to use me somehow, either for attention or for something else.That is when i started to realise why they are doing those emotional blackmails. For attention.
    Now i am alone 99% of my time, in my room. I dont feel need to go outside.
    And i dont know why, but just the idea of being close to some other human is repulsive to me.
    Cold dark is my plane. I never actually felt sorry myself. Not even telling people when i am ill. Attention is making me feel very bad and upset. I also hide my name and identity,lie when strangers ask.
    Also, i never got highscool diploma. I just couldnt be there anymore.
    So now, that i am 21, i am thinking of my life, and i just dont see it. I dont see anything for me in future. All dark. Thing is, i dont feel sorry for myself, never did. I dont feeling anything actually. .
    And feels like my life is basically over.And i will not subdue to this society, not because of pride, but because something with this world feels very very wrong. When i look at people, it is like i am looking into emptiness. Many humans feel that way to me.
    I cant open to anyone, or anything. Dont know why, but i just cant.
    When i look over what many people whine, it disguses me. This world have so much resources for all of us, but still greed is controlling it.
    Young kids today are being programed and fed propaganda in schools. Television is their reality.
    What will be with this world?
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2014
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hello Elijah and pleased to meet you :) So glad that you've written into SF where we are a supportive group of fellow pilgrims journeying through this barren land, searching for meaning and insight into our lives, and learning how to foster trust that this will heal us from our insides out. I believe you have come to the right place. I totally feel your pain and understand why you believe that there is something very wrong with the world - Yes, there is!! Accepting that that is the truth, it means we are learning to differentiate between the ideal and the actual - realising that the actual is what falls so far short of the ideal. But that is not cause for despair hun - because it isn't the end of the story.
    I am so sorry to hear of the hardships you have encountered so far in your life, in other people, particularly with your mother. Most of the time people just do not know where to turn to with their pain and so they try to keep it inside as they believe that this is the only solution. I know how this feels, I tried to suicide myself 17 years ago, but it didn't work - and now I am so very grateful for the fact it didn't work because since then I've been able to learn the deeper reasons why that happened, that I couldn't see/understand back then. And doing so has helped me to understand a whole lot more.

    Please PM me if you'd like to chat privately, or please carry on publicly if you wish - either way please do not give up and walk away thinking that no one cares, because we all do care here hun. :) God bless you, urP
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hi there Elijah. I have been depressed about this world for most of my life. There are some days that the sadness and misery still gets to me. The sadness feels as though it could kill me if I didn't have hope. It almost succeeded when I was 23. I am 32 now.
    There is hope my friend. I put all my trust and faith into it, because I looked deeper into it for myself and found that it's true. It's proven true every day in every way. I am not of this world either. Another world is promised to me and it is this world that I strive for while living in this cursed one.
    I always yearned for peace on earth, and true loving sincerity in the human race. This yearning turned out to be righteousness and the choice that I can personally make to change the world by my own actions.
    Everything is the way it is for a reason, and everything can be changed by knowledge and actions by those who want this world to be a better place. I hope you seek this hope and find it. Don't give in to the temptation to end your life. You are here for a very important reason. Yahweh bless.
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