I am not good enough.

[ghostangelcake7]

I am up late tonight with serious worry and stress over my current live-in situation with my first boyfriend..err..not sure if I could even label him as such. See, I have never been in a true relationship...This is my first one that I count as a real relationship with my opposite sex. It hasn't been easy, and they come with their challenges for sure, but I have given up even putting any effort to argue or put any passion into this relationship mainly based on my inferiority complex that is pretty much inborn and not exactly all from my traumatic error.

I am worrying over moving on, because I keep re living how together I felt with this person when we first met, but it all started going downhill over a year ago, he started showing his 'true colors': gaming, looking at his phone, being extremely stingy about things and a few other things that I won't bother mentioning. He is also full of empty promises and contradictions. Again, it's futile to name them..he just IS. I'll keep it that way.

However, because of his background and all his interesting personal experiences he's had before 'me'..I feel somewhat inferior to him. He is not wealthy, we are both financially being zapped, so that's also another reason. I feel like I am dragging him down by not making more money..I feel like my small act job is shrinking my 'value' as relationship material. I feel genetically inferior, geographically-inferior/status-inferior. The only real redeeming qualities about me are my genuine compassion and ethics, and the fact I am at least trying to make a life for myself, with school and holding down work, and having a car. I am otherwise, unremarkable =( I am otherwise, having no interesting stories to share about my life...he's done alot more..I am nothing..I don't know why I exist..I have nothing to talk about my life..to share..to WANT to open up about, or to reveal. I am dreading tomorrow if it will just be another 'today'...every day with him is the SAME way. No contact. No communication. No Memories. What IS THIS I'M IN?? What is he doing with me then?

I am having a mini crisis right now..sorry. I can't sleep, but have to work tomorrow and obsess over this at work all day, because the sad part is I don't look forward to going home anymore. It's too boring and i'm reminded that i'm in a failed relationship, and my co workers talk to me more and seem to care more but they don't know me.

Can anyone else relate? Like have this horrible inferiority complex about your life/who you are that keeps you from fully embracing relationships? Or just getting into one in the first place?

I am veering towards quitting this, and going solo for ever. I will never feel good enough, especially because I'm only getting 'older' and men don't want that, do they?

 

[moxman]

Hi again Ghostie, you did not think you were getting rid of me that easy did you =)

The only real redeeming qualities about me are my genuine compassion and ethics, and the fact I am at least trying to make a life for myself, with school and holding down work,

Let me tell you something , from friend to friend. Those are two kickass qualties. You are taking on school, as well as working a full time job; as well as all the therapy you are going through. You are doing a lot right now. You are not happy with your life and you are going to school to improve your life. To get you a better job down the road. Like you told me the first night we chatted you told me you are a survivor. This is just another testament to how strong you are. You my friend have a lot of very good qualities about you. This crap you are inferior to him is just crap. He sounds very selfish, he may have had more life experiences that you have, but so what? You are not inferior to him in any way. You defeated the Monster; I am sure can beat this pansy ass. I mean c'mon girl, give yourself credit where credit is due.

If you are not happy with the boyfriend, and if you are not financially dependent upon him, then get out of that relationship. Chalk it up as a learning experience. Give yourself some time before you pursue another relationship and kind of get an idea of what you want in a boyfriend. What qualities are you looking? What qualities are you not looking for? Maybe just spend some time going out, with friends and having fun.

You my friend are being WAAAAAAYYYY too hard on yourself. It is perfectly ok to give yourself some credit and hold your head up high.

I Care for you and I care what you are going through.

PM/IM me anytime

Take Care and tell your fish I said hi!!!

 

[Cronus]

Hi Angel,

Remember, everyone out there is different, very different. There are billions of people in the world, not all of them have a job but YOU DO! Not all of them can read and write but YOU CAN! Never consider yourself inferior, you are juggling a lot right now and not being treated with the respect you deserve by your boyfriend.

Once again, everyone is different. Not all guys are gamers, addicted to their phones and extremely stingy. Also, when it comes to what guys are "in to", remember that all guys are different. Some may very well be into older ladies so don't worry about getting older. Some guys like skinny girls, others like chubbier girls. Desires are diverse and can't be controlled or chosen. Take me for example, I'm asexual and for me, it doesn't matter what you look like, how old someone is or the size of their body parts. I love people for who they are, not what they look like. If I had the same interests and life goals as someone in their 40's then, even though I'm 22, I'd go for it!

Remember, there are lots of different people in the world with endless and diverse desires. At least one of them is sure to love you for one reason or another no matter how old you are, what job you have or what you look like.

You're strong! You can make it through this and you aren't alone either

Good Luck Angel

 

[ghostangelcake7]

Mox, I actually don't work full time, only part time..it's not enough to just get an apartment. I have to cohabitat for alittle longer, but I am making it my mission to move out within the next two months..hopefully sooner. He understands now that I am not happy, and that being in this relationship is not good for me, so we came to a mutual understanding, and agreement, that we are done being anything more than friends/room mates. And I am fairly financially independent, but need to work on saving up right now big time.

Thanks you. He still says some stuff that upsets me without thinking, and can be quite 'prejudice' not 'racist' just kind of labeling and judgmental of people..I don't like that quality, and can't live with it.

Thank you for acknowledging my strength. I am just living day by day right now. It's fairly sullen way to live, but right now, I am the only real person in my life to boost me up. You guys do a great job at helping me too, Mox. I don't think you'll ever know how good that makes me feel and appreciate it so much. Right now I have to just keep my head up. I am trying to fight off a horrible depression and feeling badly about myself for this relationship being so flat and not helping my self esteem, and has hurt it even. I don't really want to even think about other relationships. I need to develop a better perception of myself. I need to see life through a new lens and mindset. Or I will just never recover from this BS.

Cronus. Thanks. I am not really worried about getting 'older' but society always makes it appear that young women will always have the upper hand, and I have lost my younger years to a very wrong thing, and turning 30 is a milestone for most women because I am entering a new phase of life that I feel I am not mentally developed enough to be seen. I still am pretty much stuck in my late teens/early twenties with my insecurity and lack of some very basic social skills. I don't know how to 'be' past my twenties..and will likely have problems adjusting..but I don't know.

I also have immense gratitude for all I do have. My health (ok maybe not mentally right now, completely..) but my physical health is good, and I can function, walk, eat, talk, read, write, think, reflect, work, drive...I try everyday to express gratitude and not take these advantages for granted. I am aware others are in worse situations, and hear about it almost daily on the news..=( I am very concerned about other life, the world, ecology, biodiversity and human relations, of course.

I also feel like I am morphing more into an "asexual." I don't have any desire for intimate stuff, just a hug, a back rub, that stuff you can have a friend do! I think I have been objectified enough to lose complete interest. I actually would prefer to lose complete interest in my opposite sex. I have no need or want for a family, I am pretty much holding my own. That is what I am good at, and people probably might actually respect.

Thanks again!

 

[moxman]

I also feel like I am morphing more into an "asexual." I don't have any desire for intimate stuff, just a hug, a back rub, that stuff you can have a friend do! I think I have been objectified enough to lose complete interest. I actually would prefer to lose complete interest in my opposite sex. I have no need or want for a family, I am pretty much holding my own. That is what I am good at, and people probably might actually respect.

I understand completely. Unfortunately, at the hands of the monster; it seems like he used sex to hurt you. So naturally you would not want to put yourself in the position of being hurt again.

the only thing that matters to me is that you are happy =)

I wish you the best girl. I really do.

I care for you and I care for what you are going through.

Take Care, and Tell your fish I said Hi !!!!!!!

 

[Cronus]

Living alone and achieving things yourself can be a fantastic feeling! It should be mentioned however that, even for Asexuals (remember that asexuality is something you are born with, Asexuals have never at one point in their lives had a sexual desire, it's not by choice or due to prior bad experiences putting them off) living alone can get lonely eventually leading to you wanting a relationship. Asexual doesn't mean no love, it just means no sex.

I'm currently at 22 and thus far, no desire for a relationship, well, almost. There is a slight desire, so minute, to fall in love (no sex though) and raise foster children, however at the moment there is something blocking me from that, that I must achieve first before a relationship. I've always considered myself to be an Aromantic Asexual (Aromantic meaning no desire for a relationship either, just friends) however there is that slight desire for a relationship in me. With that slight desire I've figured out that I'm not an Aromantic Asexual as I first thought. I'm just an Asexual with something blocking my romantic side (I'm fully aware of what it is though and I'm working towards solving it).

So the point here is that, since you have had a desire to be in a relationship (at one point) and have had a desire to have sex (at one point), that means that if you heal from your bad experiences, your desires will come back eventually. In other words, you certainly may and will have a great time living alone now for years possibly. But one day, if you recover from what you have been through, your desires will come back and then it's up to you whether you want to give a relationship another go or not.

You still have plenty more years to go in your life and I hope whatever you chose, do and experience is going to make you happy and fulfilled.

Good Luck Angel

 

[ghostangelcake7]

I see that asexuality then is just an innate trait not a personal choice, per say. I believe my desires are transformed to a more 'self-preservation mode', but not gone, and I am blocking out my desires out of protection of myself from relationship rebound (which is based more on co dependency than actual need or desires). Thanks Cronus.