I am not ok.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Raven, Mar 1, 2015.

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  1. Raven

    Raven Guest

    I am so far from ok, I am so tired, so worn down I do not know the way to turn anymore. Three weeks of barley able to function and I am at the end of my reserves on how the hell to cope with this.

    Ya, I am not ok, and no one around seems to fully grasp just how bad things are, nothing but platitudes when I am screaming, yelling and drowning for help.

    I just need one day, one night, a bit of time to rebuild my reserves but this seems not to end, a dark road that seems to never end. I just want to break down and cry, to sit and let the tears flow but even those will not come anymore.


    I would give anything to stop feeling like this, if not for the people I would hurt I would walk away from this life, but I truly wonder how much more I can take before even that is not enough to hang onto anymore.
     
  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are feeling down, but can really relate with what you're saying.
     
  3. Raven

    Raven Guest

    Ya I am so fucking done with this shit, I am done feeling like this day in and day out. I am beyond the point of caring. It would be so easy after all> damn it would be so easy tonight.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i too hope that these people will let you be so you can just have time to rebuild sorry everything is so dark Raven
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Just wanted to give you a :hug: and let you know I care. Thanks for everything you do here and I hope you can get through this trying time.
     
  6. Raven

    Raven Guest

    I remember that pond from so many years ago, I would go look into the waters and ponder how I was going to get through the next day, the next week the next month and what it was all for. I had thought I could be happy someday that maybe once I was older and wiser I could find a piece of life worth living.

    I want to go back to that pond and see the reflection of a person once again broken, beaten and ready to throw in the towel. I want to find the courage not to continue but this time to say farewell.

    I do not want to wake up ten years from and be in the same place, to have no treaded water but to have sunk further into a pool of misery, terror and hopelessness, this is not living it is existing for the dread reason of hurting someone else. I find myself unable to find the peace in mind in that that once it held for me, I no longer find that my own suffering is worth sparing those the pain of my passing. That is not life is it? That is not a reason to fight against the ever coming fall of night that we all must one day face.

    To what is the end of our suffering? To keep trudging day after day just to find a darker path, to find that all your toils and tribulations where nothing more than an extension of a pain filled life. Even the brightest days no longer fell or fall on the path. There is simply existence, and see no longer why to thread this path.

    Old friend the winter is coming cold and long and I often wonder if life has proved better for you over all of these years. I hope you have found a better light then I.

    Where do I go from here? I wish I knew, the night is long and there are no better days ahead. I do not want the strength to continue any more, just the willpower to do this one last thing right, I have done enough and I have fought enough no one can say I was rash in this. I simply want the pain to end and I will do anything to make it stop.
     
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Raven, I understand. I get up every day and go through the same motions, over and over. Nothing gets better. And I can only see it getting worse. I don't smile anymore. I don't laugh. I find myself wishing that one more thing would happen. One more thing that would finally push me over the edge. Convince me to finally take last, final action. But I keep getting up every day and going through the same motions, over and over. My heart goes out to you.
     
  8. LostInMyDaydreams

    LostInMyDaydreams Well-Known Member

    Raven,
    I can relate to where you're coming from. It gets so tiring sometimes but I continue to get up and do the same thing. Sometimes I'm so sick of my life cause I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. It's really hard for anyone to understand cause they're not me and don't know the feelings that I'm going through. I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and I hope you end up feeling better soon. I hope I was helpful to you in some way.
     
  9. thorns_all_over

    thorns_all_over Green Thumb Staff Alumni

    What do you think would lessen the pain you feel?
    Make life bearable?

    I wish I could help your pain subside. :hug:
     
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    How do you get to the pond you're referring to by the way?

    What about taking a break or vacation to revive yourself?

    :hug: winter may be coming but there's seasons for a reason in circle of life for seasons... good reasons might not be apparent at first
     
  11. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    You and me both.
    That is exactly how I felt for a long time. How I feel right now. People do not seem to understand it. They either think it is your fault (which only makes things worse, as it makes you even more depressed) or they spout some random platitude or maxim that they like which really does nothing to help the circumstances you are in (i.e.: "Be positive").
    Been there as well. It is terrible when you cannot even be sad anymore.
    You said it. Though in my case it is also about lacking the courage to "pull the trigger" so to speak (I do not have a firearm).
     
  12. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Dear Raven

    I have waded in that pond of sadness. I have felt the pain and hurt. I have walked alone and searched for a drop of love to call my own.
    I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. I do know how hard it can be to take another step.
    I am sending you healing thoughts to hold clse tonight. Warmth , to warm your heart and chase away the cold outside.
    A hot mug of Love to wrap around your mouth and lips. And all the Love I can squeeze into that same package to keep everything from rattling while it travels to you.

    Feel better tonight and know I am sitting here wishing i could be there to hold you close as I would my child. I am with you tonight.

    Hugs and snuggles, Sadcat

    And as I wrap this bundle up for you, I am sitting here staring out the window and tears are fallng on the sill in regret that you are so far away.
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish there was something I could say that would take away the pain you're in. No platitudes, just know I care. :hug:
     
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