I am numb..

[itmahanh]

it feels like my brain and body can't function. My thoughts are on only one thing. I am watching everything happen from the corner of the room. And I'm not scared, confused worried, nothing. It feels comforting. This is where I 've needed to be for a long time now. I've been suicidal basically every since I found this forum and to me this isn't a crisis. This is what I have been searching for. Finally something else is in control and I can just rest and go along for the ride. The ride to the peace I've been wanting and needing for such a long time.

 

[gentlelady]

I am wondering how you are feeling now. I hope you are okay. :hug:

 

[itmahanh]

Thanks for your concern gentlelady, but please do not waste it on me. The numbness hasn't changed. But I think tonight was the proverbial straw. I'm standing on the edge, looking down into the depths and have no fear this time. I no longer feel the need to step back nor do I want to. I'm dangling one foot over and just biding my time to throw the other one over too. The last unselfish act I can do for my kids. Once they have returned to their dad, then it's time to free fall into the comfort of the blackness below. me.

 

[ace]

I'm so sorry you're in this state of mind I know it's tough and I'm not wasting my time on you because you deserve it.Sadly these word's I know can't mean so much and do enough to make you feel better,if I was able to be there in person I know it would be more of a help.I'm so sorry you're so down I know it's such a bastard feeling like this,and it is'nt fair.

 

[aqaq22]

Merry Christmas to itmahanh:santa:

and...

:hug: from me, your friend :smile:

 

[titanic]

I feel numb too, or do I? I supose if I am numb I wouldn't feel so SHIT?

My kids go with their dad tomorrow and I know that I will hit a deep dark depression on my own.

What can we do to get us out of this mess?

Oh God, if you are listening please help us all to survive this!

 

[JayJay]

Please get in touch.

Jay x

 

[itmahanh]

And still little has changed. Only that I am beyond suicidal feelings. I have gone from feeling suicidal to being suicidal to am suicidal. The kids are with dad and I'm as ready as I can get. Sometimes I wish I could have really talked about my suicidal attempts and feelings but even here I wasn't really allowed to say what I wanted or completely be who I was. I had no where that I could be the real me. Most of what I would have liked to get off my chest would be too triggering for others or too hurtful. I am suicide. I think it and feel it everyday and have for so long now that it has just become who I am. And now I have no where to post either. No forum where I can throw my ugly past and present out onto to try and rid myself of some of the filth. No forum to scream my hurt out in. No forum for last thoughts or goodbyes.