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I Am Numb

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#1
My heart is racing and the numbness I feel creeps over me like a dark wave. I have cut myself off from my friends and deleted my Facebook account. No matter what they say, I provoked him and terefore I didn't call the police. Besides, if I did the consequences would be worse than a few bruises and a black eye. I have the bottle of Vicodin in one hand and my drink in the other. What stops me is ironic. We can't afford the hospital bill or the ambulance bill. I can't afford any type of help so I quietly suffer in my room with my pills and alcohol. I drive drunk without a seat belt hopin and praying I will crash. I don't have anything anymore! My marriage is over but can't afford to get divorced. My promotion at work was taken away and I had to train my replacement. I don't want to eat anymore. I have no kids I am 42 and have NOTHING to live for. So if I am gone what difference would it make? All I leave is just a bunch of debt. My "son" of 16 yrs died in my arms Easter Monday. My Chihuahua was all I had left. No one knows how I feel I keep it all inside! I am scared of feeling numb. It is too much to bear. I burn my arm with my cigarette just to feel alive. I go to work and put up my facade. I feel as if my days are numbered and I will take my life any day now. I have no other options. We have no insurance to seek help.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#3
Please hun just pick up the phone then and talkto some a crisis line person okay. Please don't suffer like this alone not when there is help for you. You deserve kindness okay Please talk to anyone a clergy person someone You are reaching out here hun please keep reaching out okay The hell with payments worry abt that later you go to hospital and get some help for YOU okay because you do matter hun you do hugs
 
#4
I don't want to trouble anyone with my issues. They have enough on their plate. I always seem to say the wrong things. It is always my fault no matter what!
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#5
Hun it is noone fault okay you are ill you need care compassion and you deserve that care and compassion so please just call and talk to someone who will help you heal abit inside hugs Talk with your doctor hugs
 
#7
I don't know who to reach out to. I tried to reach out to a good friend of mine and she basically shot me down. I have known her since I was 10 so please don't bash her. I give up. I have no one to talk to such as clergy,etc. I don't know what to do. I can't go get help and check myself into a hospital and miss work. If I could, I would. I don't have anywhere to go so I will just put up my facade. I don't know where to go in my area of town. I am so isolated. I drank so much tonight so I won't feel. I have my Vicodin that I will take. I will drive home without a seat belt praying that I will crash!
 

VALIS

Well-Known Member
#8
I don't want to trouble anyone with my issues. They have enough on their plate. I always seem to say the wrong things. It is always my fault no matter what!
That sounds like some all-or-none thinking right there. Just because you have said what you perceive as the wrong thing, doesn't mean you do it always, and the wrong thing to say really isn't black or white either-- it's just about how each party perceives what was said. So reach out there, get through it, you seem like such a sensitive and considerate person, don't be so hard on yourself... you've had a lot of painful things happen recently and it may take a while for things to fall into place. Find yourself a counselor who can give you cognitive therapy, that will help a bit with the thinking patterns so you can see results in real life.

I'm hoping your night gets better, call the crisis lines that are linked to on this site, or a local crisis line in your area.
 

Sais

Well-Known Member
#9
Hello Melbel,

I just have a suggestion: maybe you could search for places you could go
to help people, like just playing cards with the elderly, or offer to help kids
in an orphanage to do their homework, a few hours of your free time.
These can bring much joy, and I noticed on myself that when I can't help
myself, I still can help others. And this way I help myself too.
just a suggestion, I hope you can feel better soon :)
 
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