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I am One hour away from the end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Winters, Nov 28, 2006.

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  1. Winters

    Winters Member

    I was supposed to end myself last Monday but I didn't. I talked to a friend who called the polce who popped round to check I wasd alive. I have been depressed a LONG time. I have been planning this end for 6+ months. I am drunk, I have painkillers and all the razor blades I need. I know where to cut (along the blue line) I know to cut deep and I know to make sure I have plenty of time before people find me.,

    But even now at what I think of as the end I have a nagging doubt. My landlord sees that I havent paid my last rent, but I could be homeless. I have no money, but I suppose family could help. I have made things as hard at the end as I cod manae., *I am isollated, jobless, drunk, and ready"... but even now I don't know 100% that this ois the rigbht course.

    I don't far after death repurcussions... I am a little sad my mum didnt die before me, but I cant really ait any longer.

    I worry that I will fail and end up in a psyche ward.

    I want this to be the end but think that deep down I will saobotage myself.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Drunk too Winters, and an inch away from ending it too.

    Should have stayed away from the gin, but too late.
  3. Hallo. :smile:

    Why do you want it to end?
  4. Winters

    Winters Member

    Jeh,. I have southern confort and vodka... my last expensive purchase before I rsan our of money. If you are under 30 don't do it, there's time yet for you.
  5. Winters

    Winters Member

    It's been an eternity since I felyt anything. I am empty, numb, alone, and isolated... I don't care about anything or anyone, I can'tfeel the things other people claim to feel. I have been depressed for close to 20 years (ok a doc wud caLL THIS dystymia, but to me it has been almost always misery). I am now in a place with no job, no money (actually -8000) money, and no hope.
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Not under 30 so what th hell
  7. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    please dont make us lose two of our community while they are not in a sober state of mind.. please dont make us loose two of our community while ther is hope for them.. please give us and yourself more time..
  8. Can you remember when it seemed like all this started?
  9. Winters

    Winters Member

    I was 13 oe 14 abd misr5able in school, and I told myself if it gets too hard I can always kill myself. That served me for 20 tears... but biw its too hard,
  10. Winters

    Winters Member

    My southertn comfornt and vodkaare aprt of my 'ket' for ending it, along with ehte bladfes and painkillers. I feel I will be more able to vut as deep as I need to while drunk. I am new, and that is the one nagging fdoubt I have.,.. I am here rather than just 'dfoing' i. I have the smaraitans page open too and will likely call before the finalact.... but I am faiely sure that this is it at last. 20 years after I first conbsdiered it.
    Sorrry for the tpying,,,,,, too drunk to edit.
  11. Have you ever had a time in your life when there was a joyful moment, any good memories?
  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    So drunk gonna spew..well tat took me 15 mins to re-type

    O why did I drink, I know it make it worse.

    Sorry Wintwe sposed ro be supportibe but toio drubk and too miserable.

    Sorry sorry sorry...sorry everyone

    Ah fuckm it
  13. Winters

    Winters Member

    I am sure there are/ I just can't benmg any instancxe to mind. I seldoim can remembde good things in my life.

    Tjere is no memonry good enough for me to, I have m,ade the pone calls to me ecx x workpeopl.e.. so thjey cvan send round policve in 5 hours or so to find me.
    There. isn't much else to do, :(

    If I was a good person I wouldnt have cvome here at this time... if I was as agod a person as I always thouvght I was.

    I like people, people who are kind. I want them to have good lives....bt mineown is ver.
  14. looks like you're doing your best under the circumstances :biggrin:
  15. Winters

    Winters Member

    I never drink now. Liver prblems. Untile tonight, no money means I had to ait till THEW noight,

    So drink I cant type... but, I can IF I slow thing down.
    4:30am, 30 minutes.
  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry wunter.. this will seeom different in the morning...cept we;ll have hangovers.

    Hang in there will hang in there with u. And maybe tomorrow I'll mkae more sense. Sorry sirry sorry. fuckin gin screwed my brain
  17. TwilightZephyr

    TwilightZephyr Active Member

    Winters if you have doubt in your mind, maybe you should re-think things through. I would think it would be aweful to die with doubt in my mind...and you'll have to sit there a think about the consequences while you are bleeding. Don't do anything you'll think you'll regret. Does seem like you will have some patch work to do to make things better for yourself...but it sounds like you think it is doable.

    Is there any friends or family you can call. Did you give them a chance to help again...sounds like they care for you.

    If you can't call them call a crisis line... here's a number 1-800-784-2433
  18. Winters

    Winters Member

    Go to sleep noq. Alllwillfeel different,. Imay even be shhheree still.If so Ishall talk to yo.u If not, I m ,mertey suffdfferin from desl being disconnected. Be as good to yourselrf saduyou vcan bear.
  19. TwilightZephyr

    TwilightZephyr Active Member

    *pokes winters* how's that alcohol treating you?
  20. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Man Winter so sorry, was about as much use to you last night as a cold turd.

    Hope you got thru it, as you can see I did. Tho head and stomach feel like they've gone 15 rounds with Mohammed Ali.

    I feel I let you down last night, woke up with a really bad feeling that I had done somethng bad while under the influence.

    Hope I can put this right. please let me know how you're doing today.
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