I am overly depressed and can't hold it together

[loner060]

Im pretty new to this sight so I'm not sure exactly what to say so I think I will just type.

I used to be a very happy, upbeat person, whom people came to bring them up when they were feeling down. I was well liked by alot of people and never had a hard time getting a boyfriend. I used to be physically attractive (according to societal standards).I used to be the person who found the good in everything and the beauty in all people.

I havnt been that person for a very long time. I am beyond depressed that I can barely move at times and my feelings seem to paralyze me. I have always been overly dependent on relationships with partners to make me happy.

I havn't had a serious relationship, or even a smaller relationship with anyone since November.

Let me explain, I was have been in very serious relationships since I was 16 ( I am not 24). My last relationship was my 4th very serious relationship and it didn't last long. It last a whole 9 months, and if you can believe it, I married him after 7 months.

The relationship ended because I moved out on him, he was physically abusive and things were getting worse and worse. I used to be confident enough to know that stuff like that was wrong, but I no longer think that. I would give anything to be back with him, I would take all the bruises, bumps, and scars again to make it work with him. He wants nothing to do with me, and has moved on from girl to girl to girl.

Ever since I moved out I have fallen into a huge depression that I am still suffering from today. I lost about 15 lbs and was binge drinking, partying and sleeping all the time. I lost my job, but finally started a new one.

Now the effects are worse, I finally got back to my normal weight, but have put on 15 lbs since then. I can't stand to look at myself, I want to throw up.

I am relentlessly heartbroken ALLL the time. I put on a front all the time so people think I am okay, but I am literally dying on the inside more and more everyday.

The only time I feel joy is when I am drinking (hence the weight gain).

I tried overdosing on pills, but all it did was make me sleep for a very long time. Everyone thinks I am so happy all the time, but im not at all.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression back in december, but ran out of money to keep going and i really dont see the point anymore...Truly I feel worthless as a person.

People think I am so confident, I do get hit on alot and approached, but I can't even look people in the face. Im disgusted with who I am and what I see when I look in the mirror.

 

[loser]

I am concerned that you rely on drink as an escape from depression. The immediate effect to numb the feelings of depression but it is actually making the depression worse.
Depressions makes people inertial - it can be really hard to move.
But what you need to do is keep moving. You can go for a walk rather than have a drink.
Proper diet helps.
Drink seems to give instant relief- temporarily. But is a false friend.
Do you listen to music?

 

[anajosph]

It is bad that you use to drink to avoid depression, you should use some medicine from a Doctor and be relax your mind. Believe on GOD.

 

[Afro22493]

I feel your pain on the relationship issue. I wish that stuff like this didnt happen to anyone. But instead of drinking why not do something else? Listen to music for me helps at times singing along with it, takes my mind off of things. Looking outside the window and seeing the beautiful world helps.
Drinking is just a short relief but soon the pain comes back.
For me i smoke weed. i get high and forget the pain for a coule hours but the down side when i get high is i stay awake i think about the pain i get even more depressed i cry for some reasons without even knowing why im crying. the i realize it helps at first but it hurts me in the long run.

 

[Michael Ayin]

Im pretty new to this sight so I'm not sure exactly
I was diagnosed with clinical depression back in december, but ran out of money to keep going and i really dont see the point anymore...Truly I feel worthless as a person.

Interesting you would say that. The height of my depression was November through January. I normally didn't suffer from seasonal depression but since so many things happened right before then that were crushing me during that period it could have wiped me out completely.

I used to be fairly confident as well. So much has happened that it's difficult to get that back.