I am overwhelmed and questioning if its worth surviving day-day.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by crystaltears, Nov 21, 2014.

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  1. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    I am in so much agony , and nobody in my home listens .
    mentally I am also a wreck, instead of support im constantly told I am not worth the time.
    not crippled enough not sick enough not dying enough yet.
    but not functioning enough to tolerate. a waste of their energy.

    why do I continue to breathe when every word i hear tells me Im not worth the effort.

    I need a break, and I need a miracle. Fast.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I said to my friend the other day, ''do you ever wake up and feel like no-one cares about you really?'' She said yes all the time but as you get older you don't care, I just said how do you deal with it, she said stop caring and move on and improve yourself. That was the end of that lol. But surprised she felt it too. I looked back on how I was say 5 years ago and yes things that crippled me then wouldn't bother me now so I'm guessing she is giving me some good advice, I am lucky to have her.

    What is going on specifically for you, are you a teen or adult? You can talk to us here no-one will judge you.

    Also welcome to the forum and I love your user name.
  3. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    thanks for the reply and thanks for the compliment on my name,
    I am an adult I have had back to back stress , traumas and physical health problems all of my life.
    I am currently trying to find out why and when my life started to fall apart, just to see if it is something that needs my attention to fix.
    other then that i have just been resigned to living a life where pain is a normal occurrence and i don't get enough time between stressful situations to recuperate.
    I definitely get what your friend said there, and most of my life that's how i have had to live. or i wouldn't be alive at all except I can't seem to stop the flashbacks or my ocd from making me dwell on things so its more like I move on and improve myself while living in a state of guilt ridden self hatred. until the next random crisis breaks out and tears any success I have managed to have out of my hands...
    I wish I could get it right. I really want to live my life semi-normal or at least functionally.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I can only say this as peer to peer support as I'm not a professional but I get a lot of what you are talking about, I get flashbacks too from when I was abused and raped when I was 12. I have post traumatic stress disorder, I am assuming you have this too... seroquel is for racing thoughts so that may help, zyprexa is greatly sedating too and many many more other medications can help you get through this. Some are very addictive so for them short term is best.
    I just wanna say please do not do anything you will or can't later regret. Random crisis are the worst cos you just can't pinpoint. But like I said there are so many medications can help you deal with them better. Benzodiazepines are a god send for panic attacks, but they are also VERY addictive so only use as needed, I'm currently trying to cut out when I can. And then there's the anti depressant with anti anxiety properties, they are excellent. They work differently on everyone. Personally I am on Lyrica, Setraline,Lexapro, Zyprexa, Valium, , Stilnoct, steroids for physical illnesses. I know that sounds a lot but it has made me depression free.

    For me therapy and medications go hand in hand and a healthy environment and lifestyle is very important. You can do this, you have us for support. :hug:

    Best of luck to you honey! You can do this, sorry to hear about your physical illness too, can be very daunting when you have both.
  5. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    the problem with medication is that for some reason i get suicidal from taking a pill every day I cant even take birth control for that reason and its not a thought process i initiate or haven't tried to fight before so im not sure why it happens :/ when i told my doctor this he shrugged and kept trying to push anti depressants but those make me hopelessly depressed which is not something i have felt that strongly without a medication in me doing it and that was scary.
    I tried to ask about pills that can be taken during panic or during my pain and he practically shrugs me off and says there are no pills he can prescribe that are not medications I can take on a non daily basis. -_-*
    is this true? I seriously just would like something that works like taking a tylenol for my panic attacks and or flashbacks so that only when it at its worst do i bother medicating it and hopefully wont trigger whatever stress reaction i get from daily pills. and for my chronic pain too i would love to not have to take something daily just to get a medication that works on my pain better then the Tylenol do.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Well as for contraceptives - yes they will change your hormones so could make you depressed.

    Anti- depressants usually come with a warning that they can cause a lot of side effects from hallucinations, amnesia to suicide.

    In MY experience what he is saying is not true at all, in fact its quite the opposite doctors here anyway want people on them PRN(as needed) because they don't want the patient to get addicted. If I were you I would get a second opinion, another doctor to assess you if possible.
    I totally get where you are coming from about the pain (I've been in physical pain for months. have just took some tramadol).

    I'd get a second opinion hun, you have nothing to lose!! :hug:
  7. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    I am feeling worse today :/ I dont feel like I have the energy to go to the doctors and fight his incessant attempts to put me on drugs that make it even harder to function and get my life on track.
    my mouth is in agony as a filling looks to be ejecting itself from my mouth, and i dont have the energy to contact a my drug and alcohol counselor to take me there because I want to yell at her that all i want to do is start doing drugs or drinking because of how i get ignored by everyone the second i ask for help. and at least alcohol will numb my pain unlike all the shitty things they try saying or doing instead of actually helping. fuck. the sad thing is i feel more driven to do those things because of the stressful lack of support from their own resource center.
    I dont have time or money to waste being drugged or drunk though. F%^$!

    I had another fight with my partner and just wanted to end it all the other night. but if im such a hassle why hasnt he left?

    I hate this all the inner turmoil i am in combined with the lack of resource's and support is driving me to the edge of a break down again.

    I don't have enough energy to care if I am alive or dead - so I will just keep running myself into the ground every day and hope it ends quickly the day i cant get up again.
  8. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    sorry my computer posted it twice :/
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2014
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to here that you are overwhelmed surviving on a day by day basis. It's going to take time to recover. Please do not feel alone as you are important. We will get you through this tough time. It's all about believing in yourself. Keep posting for support and care you richly deserve. Don't be hard on yourself. Take care.
  10. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    thank you, its been very hard lately keeping motivated to function.
    I really want to lay down and give up , but something drives me to get up and do.
    do what? do anything but lay there and fade away like i want to.
    I just dont get it. body why do you hate me so much that you dont function properly but you dont let me die?

    I dont want to die anymore like i used to. I just dont want to be living a life sentence of this hell my body is. and nobody believes me.
    its just depression they try to say. I am sorry but I now know what deep depression feels like thanks to those awful meds, and thats NEVER what I have felt.
    I have NEVER felt like dieing as hopelessly as those meds made me feel. so compared to that I would be happy as a fricking clam if my life didnt keep falling apart in ways i am not in control of.
    every time I rely on others is the second things spin out of control.
    like my supposed "partner" without fail will fail me when i need him.
    an entire week of I will help you tomorrow. just for me to wake up at 6 am and realize he is JUST GOING TO BED THEN!? when he was supposed to help me at 7am. instead I do all of the time specific tasks ALONE. walk a total of 40 blocks before coming home to attempt to wake him every 30-60 minutes for the next 3-4 hours - like he asks me to so I spend my entire day being bitched at because hes mad at me for trying to wake him up even thought he told me to. and then what does he do? plays video games. bitches that the house isnt done . has me run the errands. when i come back he expects to be praised for washing 5 dishes and vacuuming 1 room of the house. this has been my day on repeat all week.

    I would not be distraught if i were to not wake up tomorrow. #$%^
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