I know half of my posts go unanswered... but if anything I need to let it out. I am going to visit my family this weekend... Today to be more exact... and I am staying at mum's house until Sunday. And I'm panicking. I haven't really slept the last 2 nights... last night I had a bad panic attack and was about to end it all... I nearly hurt myself as well. Luckily I didn't... but it was such hard work... I tried to go for a walk well after midnight and it did make me a bit more tired... so I got a few hours at least. I am bringing my laptop so I can retreat and distract myself with it... but I am afraid it won't be enough. I even packed some emergency chocolate, as stupid as that sounds. I worry I'll make the smallest mistakes... my mum was very abusive through my childhood and every mistake was punished. I worry even the Easter eggs I bought for the family won't be good enough... I got some really nice marcipan eggs, but yeah... what if getting the nougat filled ones aren't the right ones? I would much rather stay home... home and hide. I have to hide my arms away... I pretty much destroyed my arm last week before going to the psych ER, which my family doesn't know about either... I can barely breathe... and it all sounds so, so stupid and minor. I just have so many triggers... last night I got some shampoo in my mouth, which triggered me... my mum used to wash my mouth with shampoo if I said a slightly bad word... either that or lather my tongue with strong mustard and hold me so I couldn't get water... when she didn't beat me or locked me in the cupboard or drove away leaving little me home alone thinking she'd never come back for such a horrible child like me... My aunt will be there too, at the family lunch on Sunday... my aunt who watched my mum kick me in the back on several occasions... and just did nothing... and my mum's aunt... who had no idea what happened... and why the few times I stayed at her home during holidays, she had no idea why I didn't want to go home... Just... blah. I doubt it will ever become easy to go there... Since I started therapy and has started to open up about all of this I am extra sensitive... And yeah... I've mentioned this before too... the school I went to as a kid and was severely bullied for all 8 years I went there, and was sexually abused as well is so close to my mum's house. I can see it from her home... and the dog loves to walk towards it... so far I have gotten sick each time I got too close.