I am panicking about this weekend

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 25, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I know half of my posts go unanswered... but if anything I need to let it out.

    I am going to visit my family this weekend... Today to be more exact... and I am staying at mum's house until Sunday. And I'm panicking. I haven't really slept the last 2 nights... last night I had a bad panic attack and was about to end it all... I nearly hurt myself as well. Luckily I didn't... but it was such hard work... I tried to go for a walk well after midnight and it did make me a bit more tired... so I got a few hours at least.

    I am bringing my laptop so I can retreat and distract myself with it... but I am afraid it won't be enough. I even packed some emergency chocolate, as stupid as that sounds.

    I worry I'll make the smallest mistakes... my mum was very abusive through my childhood and every mistake was punished.

    I worry even the Easter eggs I bought for the family won't be good enough... I got some really nice marcipan eggs, but yeah... what if getting the nougat filled ones aren't the right ones?

    I would much rather stay home... home and hide.

    I have to hide my arms away... I pretty much destroyed my arm last week before going to the psych ER, which my family doesn't know about either...

    I can barely breathe... and it all sounds so, so stupid and minor.

    I just have so many triggers... last night I got some shampoo in my mouth, which triggered me... my mum used to wash my mouth with shampoo if I said a slightly bad word... either that or lather my tongue with strong mustard and hold me so I couldn't get water... when she didn't beat me or locked me in the cupboard or drove away leaving little me home alone thinking she'd never come back for such a horrible child like me...
    My aunt will be there too, at the family lunch on Sunday... my aunt who watched my mum kick me in the back on several occasions... and just did nothing... and my mum's aunt... who had no idea what happened... and why the few times I stayed at her home during holidays, she had no idea why I didn't want to go home...

    Just... blah. I doubt it will ever become easy to go there... Since I started therapy and has started to open up about all of this I am extra sensitive...

    And yeah... I've mentioned this before too... the school I went to as a kid and was severely bullied for all 8 years I went there, and was sexually abused as well is so close to my mum's house. I can see it from her home... and the dog loves to walk towards it... so far I have gotten sick each time I got too close.
  2. AJE

    AJE Well-Known Member

    I feel for you.
    I think you're being very brave going back to somewhere where you suffered such abuse.
    Hopefully your laptop will distract you enough so it's bearable.
    As you say to all of us , you deserve to be happy & not to have to put up with people having treated you so bad.
    I know it's difficult when it's families & you feel compelled to go no matter what.
    Deep breaths & positive thoughts will hopefully get you through the weekend.
    Stay strong.
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  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I am glad you didnt hurt your self and I'm defenitly glad you didn't end it all I'd be lost without you!!!

    I know how hard it is to visit your family and I'm sorry that its so hard for you. Is it possible if ya start to feel uncomfortable that you can just go to the loo and just have a few minuets to yourself to re group??? I use to do that back when i was working and it was starting to become to much.

    I don't think taking emergency chocolate is silly at all if rhats somthing that helps sooth you and comfor you then go for it!! Maybe try mindful eating when doing it such as feel the weight in you hand,l if it's in a wrapper listen to the crinkle when you open it. Put it to your nose n smell it, you may even notice you mouth water, take a bit notice the sweetness and it melt in your mouth n how it makes you feel......that's prob the worst explanation of mindful eating but I guess at least I gave it a go...

    Know that I'll be thinking of you on the weekend and sending you the strength that i can.
    Please be kind to yourself and try n look after you.
    Take care
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  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much, both of you. I always do that btw... going to the loo if I feel bad... I have to. I fear if I don't I'll end up crying... and that's really bad in front of my mother (showing any form of emotion as a kid was punished)....
    The Mindful eating, gosh I know that technique. I really will think about using it! It's a lot better than binging... which sort of was the point I packed it. At least binge-eating in a crisis situation is for me better than SH... though, it actually isn't. It's a really bad idea... but yeah. I'll try mindfulness! Thank you @na-taya
  5. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    You are so welcome and know I'll always be here for you as you have been for me.

    Also if I'm struggling to stay in the present moment and I actually can catch it starting to happen I take myself to wash my face in the bathroom with cold water and do it quiet a few times and then I try n do 5 things.....or 3 depending what's around....so what I can see....what i can smell....and what I can hear.....
    I don't know if that will be helpful for you. I wish i had more wAys to cope to offer you.

    *big massive hugs*
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  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Awe my friend, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could take away the fear and pain :(
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  7. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    I'm sorry for all the distress you're experiencing. Visiting your mom causes you so much pain, may I ask why do you go? What would happen if you didn't go? I ask out of concern and apologize if it comes off as rude. You are a kind, helpful person, and your wellbeing is important.
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  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    It's a very valid question... and I've asked myself this a million times...

    i guess I go because if I don't I fear what happens next time... and also... stopping contact with my mum cuts me off from my little family... and it will just be me... and I fear one day I might want to know who my father is... (at the moment I don't...) and my mum is the only one who knows who he is...
  9. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    I understand, family dynamics are usually complicated for sure. Visiting is highly triggering though, I wonder if it's possible to take a break so you can work through the trauma in therapy and gain some more strength first. Or maybe meet with them at some else's house away from that school if that would help. I don't know if this would help or what your mom is like now, but I realized in my own therapy that I was mostly angry with my mom for how she acted in the past and learned to see who she is in the present so it's kinda like dealing with two different people (I still had to process the anger, just not project it into the present.) Sorry for the unsolicited advice, I just want you to be well. :)
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