I Am Pathetic

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hamatreya, Oct 9, 2014.

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  1. Hamatreya

    Hamatreya Banned Member

    I'm sitting in my school's library surrounded by beautiful, crispy-clothed young people, each of them smiling and full of life and purpose. I'm crouched in the corner, a dark and cool place shrouded by the shadow of the short wall that separates the more crowded half of the large, drafty room from the smaller, darker and quieter half. Guess which half I chose.

    To say I feel out of place here would be an understatement. I feel like a void. An anomaly. I feel like a gaping wound in reality that's sucking in all the light and good and happiness around it. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong with these people. I don't belong with any people. I'm a freak.

    I despise myself. There is no arrangement of words in any language to describe just how loathsome a creature I am. I am chronically depressed. I'm constantly anxious. I'm distrusting. I'm needy. I'm spiteful. I exist solely as a burden on others. I am a miserable person to be around.

    For that reason I've never had any friends. I've never had a person say about me, "hey, that guy's kind of cool. I'd like to spend time with him." In twenty-six years of life, I've never had a person call me, text me, message me and say "hey, let's hang out." I have no idea what that feels like. I have no idea what it's like to have someone want to spend time with me.

    So I enter the chatroom to see if talking, even if to strangers, might help to stave of the loneliness, but even there I find myself incapable of having a simple dialogue without my words and attitudes turning people off of me. Other members quickly become frustrated when they find themselves unable to relieve my doubts, overwhelmed by my negativity, and this leads inevitably to tension as I, in one member's words, "keep whining" about my inadequacies. This only serves to exacerbate my feelings of isolation and solidify my belief that I am meant to live a life alone.

    Which I can't do. I can't live another week, another season, another year feeling this way. But it doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how hard I try. I drive people away. I'm despicable. I'm a repulsive, disgusting, horrible, malformed, cretinous boy and I honestly believe that I don't deserve your attention. I wish I had bright qualities to me, but I don't. I'm all dark. Of course that's going to dissuade people from investing time in me, from giving me a chance.

    I want to change. I really do. I'd give everything, do anything, to be part of something, to feel wanted. I want to change, but I don't know how. And I don't think I ever will.

    And that's why I'm posting here. That's why I want to kill myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WEll from how your write you are very intelligent well articulated person. I see nothing repulsive here just someone suffering from an illness called depression
    I hope you continue to post on the forum ok Here you can talk and not be interupted You can vent let go of the sadness some and no one will judge you here Many of us hate ourselves it is part of the illness You are not alone here o k we will listen and not judge you
  3. zaen

    zaen Member

    i dont know if i can help at all but i hope i can. I feel that way to a lot mainly needy and not wanting to be a Borden to other with the troubles. And that's ok to feel like that to be lonely wanting someone to be there for you and feeling important, the nahativaet(spelled that wrong sory) is fine even if you think it's more them normal. And most o the ppl i talk to are online and it counts for something. I dont rly know what to say and im sorry if i wasint much help i hope you can maybe post more and talk about it cuz the one thing i know and i bet you hear this all the time but talk even online help just to get it out and not dwell on it (^-^)
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not despicable, or repulsive, or any of the other things you wrote about yourself. :hug: You're worth taking the time to get to know.
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