All bottled up. A shitty pen. Got a new one, let us see if it works.. Yep. Why am I the way I am? I am writing, simply to feel productive, that is it. Why? I have so much inside of me, and I hate it. I sit here, missing everything.. even the way some things use to be.. EVEN if they were shitty at the time. I can't succeed for myself, why not try and succeed at making others feel as shitty as I do? At least if I'm in a position where I am able to.. That would be cool. No, it would not. I have more of a heart then that. I hope. Lol, a heart. I don't have a heart anymore. Simply mentallity, but even that gets taken from me. So, I give up. But why give up she says? Must I ramble forever? Hopefully, I just suck. Can I hold anything? No. I have 3 words, and for once they are not 'I love(d) you', they are 'I need help'. I think. Do I need help? I don't feel better with help. I am compulsive. Forgetting what I love isn't enough to stop me from coming back if it's available. I am referring to another human like an object, interesting. So cleverly disguised, like my emotion. I am wasting here. Yes I am. I love it, yet I hate it. Just like people hate me, but I hate myself with them. A canyon of broken memories. That makes that canyon, my grand canyon. Oh boy. I never sleep. I hate not loving my life. How can some people just love their life and be proud to be living, and not regret shit? If there is a secret I hope somebody will let me in because I seriously need the advice. No I don't, I would love death to pet me on my shoulder. She was depressed, and gave birth to a kid she loved, who ended up more depressed than she could have ever imagined. He tried to get help on one lonely night, but the doctors thought he was seeking drugs. The therapist only seeked my money, or at least sucked at pretending he gave a fuck. But who does anyway? All these people, they hold my hand telling me to wait and live, 'things will get better'. They do it to make people continue living, easily persuaded people (which I am not), which I guess is their goal. I wish I had a simple mind like the people around me so that as soon as some people tells me that they will help me, and point me in the right direction, that I would care. But I don't. The message isn't from who I want it to be from. Nobody said they care about me, and when they do, they certainly don't act it. Why are they so spiteful? Why can't people be good at pretending, so. SO. I give up on people, the people around me. The ones who said I meant something to them. Where are they now? Mm. Whether it was my fault or not, all my true friendships blew over. The memories, so priceless, they eat at me. Like an euphoria of the unimaginable. Oh how I could write words so sweet to a person so damn bitter. Why am I so stupid? I sought out to write a note, but it ended up as a novel. Why does this happen? I am psychotic. But I loved her so much. And I loved my memories with 'them' so much. It is so real how they seem to have never existed now. But this flash I see in my mind only tells me that it has happened. The clock, it ticks, too fast. I wish it would stop, at just the right moment. When everything was good, or was it? Was I bugged at the time with another problem? Probably. As I go away everything burns darker in the past than ever before. It will get better they screamed to me, but.. They yelled to somebody who was as good as deaf. Blind, resentful. I made them fuck off, here I am. I wish I wasn't such a shitty writer, I can't put the words of the dictionary together well enough to tell my story of how my life screwed over so fast. I turn everything into a riddle, I hate myself for it. I am weird. I cut my love for those of you I knew and cared for so much. It will never fade, until my body eventually does. And yeah, How I wish someone could have cared. But to me, it wouldn't have mattered out of anybodys mouth besides her own. I manipulated the wrong person and only broke myself. God, I remember how I use to pray to you. Don't put me in hell for this one. Will anybody help me, before something else that would appear as negative does? Look through this, answer some questions, let it help you understand me some how. Mm, else I just give up. I really never wanted to turn to the internet for help, but everything else has vanished. Let's see if this even works, or my decision stays set. I guess like most very suicidal people, I have some element in doubt within it all..