I am psychotic, and I need help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dream, Jul 22, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Dream

    Dream Member

    All bottled up. A shitty pen. Got a new one, let us see if it works.. Yep. Why am I the way I am? I am writing, simply to feel productive, that is it. Why? I have so much inside of me, and I hate it. I sit here, missing everything.. even the way some things use to be.. EVEN if they were shitty at the time. I can't succeed for myself, why not try and succeed at making others feel as shitty as I do? At least if I'm in a position where I am able to.. That would be cool. No, it would not. I have more of a heart then that. I hope. Lol, a heart. I don't have a heart anymore. Simply mentallity, but even that gets taken from me. So, I give up. But why give up she says? Must I ramble forever? Hopefully, I just suck. Can I hold anything? No. I have 3 words, and for once they are not 'I love(d) you', they are 'I need help'. I think. Do I need help? I don't feel better with help. I am compulsive. Forgetting what I love isn't enough to stop me from coming back if it's available. I am referring to another human like an object, interesting. So cleverly disguised, like my emotion. I am wasting here. Yes I am. I love it, yet I hate it. Just like people hate me, but I hate myself with them. A canyon of broken memories. That makes that canyon, my grand canyon. Oh boy. I never sleep. I hate not loving my life. How can some people just love their life and be proud to be living, and not regret shit? If there is a secret I hope somebody will let me in because I seriously need the advice. No I don't, I would love death to pet me on my shoulder.

    She was depressed, and gave birth to a kid she loved, who ended up more depressed than she could have ever imagined. He tried to get help on one lonely night, but the doctors thought he was seeking drugs. The therapist only seeked my money, or at least sucked at pretending he gave a fuck. But who does anyway? All these people, they hold my hand telling me to wait and live, 'things will get better'. They do it to make people continue living, easily persuaded people (which I am not), which I guess is their goal. I wish I had a simple mind like the people around me so that as soon as some people tells me that they will help me, and point me in the right direction, that I would care. But I don't. The message isn't from who I want it to be from. Nobody said they care about me, and when they do, they certainly don't act it. Why are they so spiteful? Why can't people be good at pretending, so. SO. I give up on people, the people around me. The ones who said I meant something to them. Where are they now? Mm. Whether it was my fault or not, all my true friendships blew over. The memories, so priceless, they eat at me. Like an euphoria of the unimaginable. Oh how I could write words so sweet to a person so damn bitter. Why am I so stupid?

    I sought out to write a note, but it ended up as a novel. Why does this happen? I am psychotic. But I loved her so much. And I loved my memories with 'them' so much. It is so real how they seem to have never existed now. But this flash I see in my mind only tells me that it has happened. The clock, it ticks, too fast. I wish it would stop, at just the right moment. When everything was good, or was it? Was I bugged at the time with another problem? Probably. As I go away everything burns darker in the past than ever before. It will get better they screamed to me, but.. They yelled to somebody who was as good as deaf. Blind, resentful. I made them fuck off, here I am. I wish I wasn't such a shitty writer, I can't put the words of the dictionary together well enough to tell my story of how my life screwed over so fast. I turn everything into a riddle, I hate myself for it. I am weird. I cut my love for those of you I knew and cared for so much. It will never fade, until my body eventually does. And yeah, How I wish someone could have cared. But to me, it wouldn't have mattered out of anybodys mouth besides her own. I manipulated the wrong person and only broke myself. God, I remember how I use to pray to you. Don't put me in hell for this one. Will anybody help me, before something else that would appear as negative does? Look through this, answer some questions, let it help you understand me some how. Mm, else I just give up. I really never wanted to turn to the internet for help, but everything else has vanished. Let's see if this even works, or my decision stays set. I guess like most very suicidal people, I have some element in doubt within it all..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2007
  2. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Dream,
    I am so sorry that you are feeling this far down. I can honestly say that I do not know how some people can live their life and not regret a thing that they do or say. I would have to say that even though they do not let others know they regret it deep down inside they do regret it. If they don't then they are not really all that human. Most people have at least one thing they regret in their life if not more. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a pm and I will get back to you as soon as I get it. I wish I could say more but right now I am in a lot of pain with a broken finger and I am only typing one handed. Take care and i love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss


    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  3. Dream

    Dream Member

    I guess I can compliment you on the fact that you decided to post a pretty long message with only one hand available, I thank you for that. Regret is a big aspect of my life and it has certainly dug some hole for me that I can not escape. I have a huge element of doubt in my life and for some reason I keep sitting around thinking that something may improve, or maybe I will do something to improve myself. But I have been like that for awhile and things never really look up, at all. I appreciate you offering to talk with me one-on-one by PM, but I don't see how it would help me much, because I honestly do not know what to say and your lack of not knowing me at all or who is causing this for me probably will not put you in the greatest position to help, even if you really wanted too.

    I need more questions here answered, some people are so optimistic it leaves me confused. I'm very glad that you sit here and try to help people, I have lots to sort in my life, and I find it hard to see some way to fix things. I only feel improved after I discuss things with somebody I know and love, but I am disconnected from my family. I really don't even care for my family that much anymore. I guess I like my little brother, but I couldn't see myself carrying some heart felt conversation with somebody who is 9. I always felt smart even at a young age but I wonder how he would cope being how he is with an older brother who he looked up too, who only ended up ending his own life. Wow, if I could I'd want to be the hero who rescued myself from hell but I can't seem to do that. My dad has a 'suck-it-up' attitude, and my mom.. I just can't hurt her feelings anymore. My friends, I'd love to admit some things to them, but I can't. It would be like cutting off the head of a dead person, if that makes any sense. I am only 16 years old and feel I have a huge opportunity in my life to turn some things around, but I feel as though all of this will be useless if I do not achieve certain things before I am an adult. I have been depressed for years now, I remember when I had goals and such a stupid decision was out of the question. Meh.
     
  4. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Dream,
    All I can say is this hun. Life is different for every single person out there no matter who that person is. Some people are depressed and some people love their lives so much that they brag about it. I feel that when someone is bragging about how good they got it, that they are doing that so no one will suspect that something is wrong in their lives. I lost a fiance to suicide and then lost my daughter 2 days after I put him into the ground. I was 17 years old at the time and so was he.
    I can honsestly say that I do care. I do not like therapist to begin with that much because I went to one after my fiance killed himself and she actually told me that is was my fault. Ever since then I steer clear of them. I do not know why they like to act like they care when some of them don't and you can tell it. However, I do have to say that their are some out there who really does care. I work under one on the suicide hotline I volunteer on and in a shelter that I go to to volunteer time.
    As for not sleeping have you thought to ask your doctor for a low dosage sleeping pill? I have trouble sleeping myself and I have to take them every once in a while. As for your brother the only thing I can say there is that even if you do talk to him about how your feeling more than likely he will still look up to you. Just remember he is family and he loves you.

    Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss


    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    <Mod Edit: Abacus21-quotes and replies to deleted post>

    DREAM,

    hun , i am here if you need to talk anytime.. you can pm me , i will always reply to every pm.. take care.

    love you
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2007
  6. Dream

    Dream Member

    I have decided to take my life. Thanks for all the help, but I've got my reasons now. Wish caring people like you existed in my outside life, but you don't. Take care SF forums.
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't take your own life. Even though it sounds like you don't have many genuine people around you, at least you have some right. Hang in there.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.