The more I try to make myself feel better, my suicidal thoughts slip and I fear that my tendencies are pushing him away. My ex fiance and I broke up over a month ago and only recently have we tried to talk, to see, take it day by day. We love each other very much but the distance between us took a toll (we live almost 4 hours away). I feel like I keep screwing up. I have been going to therapy for a few weeks now. He knows that I get tendencies. I apparently got way drunk and called him and told him that I wanted to kill myself. This was the last straw for him. I fear I am pushing him away. Am I? What do I do to make it stop? Will he ever understand the pain that I feel right now?