I am pushing him away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluefish, Mar 4, 2008.

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  1. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    The more I try to make myself feel better, my suicidal thoughts slip and I fear that my tendencies are pushing him away.

    My ex fiance and I broke up over a month ago and only recently have we tried to talk, to see, take it day by day. We love each other very much but the distance between us took a toll (we live almost 4 hours away).

    I feel like I keep screwing up. I have been going to therapy for a few weeks now.

    He knows that I get tendencies. I apparently got way drunk and called him and told him that I wanted to kill myself. This was the last straw for him.

    I fear I am pushing him away. Am I? What do I do to make it stop? Will he ever understand the pain that I feel right now?
  2. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel suicidal? Don't you think he's worried?

    I'm sure he loves you and only you but things will not work out with you two unless you are open with your feelings and let him know. I'm sure he cares for you and will do everything he can do to help you. You shouldn't hold your feelings back from your partner because you have a whole life ahead of you to share together.
  3. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    He says he is trying to understand me. I begin to feel suicidal after an argument with him. Part of why I feel suicidal is because I am not able to control my own emotions (i.e. anxiety attacks when he gets upset and I will go for a while without hearing from him) and part of it is because I fear that I have lost him forever.

    The more open I am, I feel that I am pushing him away even more BECAUSE he worries. I keep doing something to screw up (like getting drunk and telling him exactly how I feel) and I don't know if I am pushing him away. He doesn't want to talk to me (since Sunday) because he is very upset at me.

    And him not wanting to talk to me makes this worse, it makes me feel even more depressed. Yet, I fear that if I tell him this, he will be pushed away.
  4. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    Hi Bluefish,

    I have done similar things, though not in such serious relationships (which is probably the reason I've never gotten into one). Maybe I'm being very old-school and naive by saying this -- I really don't have much experience in this realm at all so maybe this post is not really helpful (if so, feel free to ignore :wink:) -- but it seems to me that it always comes down to the core difference b/w how guys and gals relate. Whenever I'm dealing with serious issues and I go to a guy about it, I rant and rant and the ranting is the whole point, really. We just want someone to listen to us. But to a guy, it freaks them out because (especially if they really care for you) they feel it's then up to them to fix it all, and so unless they feel they can really do something about it it's hard for them to listen and they'll pull away even if they really care about you. Maybe therapy could help...

    Then again, maybe this whole post is a very telling sign of why I'm still single.
  5. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with chicaincrisis. As a guy I feel that if a women I care about comes to me with a problem then I have to do what I can to help her. You say that your afraid that you've lost him but the simple fact that he's worried about you proves that he does care about you. Realize that he wants to help you and he's frustrated because he probably isn't sure how. Maybe he thinks that its his fault and he feels guilty.

    The best thing you can do is understand why you feel suicidal and resolve that issue. You may need to get outside help but it is important for you to remain calm and think rationally. Drinking will not help in the long run you have to have the courage to figure out the problem and face it.
  6. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Thank you both so much for your kind words.

    I get an idea of the situation he is in now.

    And as much as I hate to say this, I am in a deep depression because of our breakup and because we are no longer together. I am not blaming him, I do not want to blame him and I don't want him to feel guilty - but the reason I feel like I do is because we are not together.

    I have never felt as much pain as I did when we separated. This is what led people that care about me to have me see a therapist. Therapy is helping, but in between sessions, the risk of screwing up is there.

    I will give the man his space, since he would rather not talk to me right now. And I will have to be rational, stay off the alcohol, and just be strong. But it is hard to keep this all inside - and I thank you both for helping me voice out what is bothering me.
  7. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    im having a relapse please help. i dont want to hurt myself but he refuses to answer my texts and my calls. i dont know what to do. im hurting so much. please help.
  8. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    As everyone has said, you've freaked him out, and he's scared. If he is worth your time, he has to be willing to at least try to understand what you're going through, and he clearly doesn't. I don't know what you've conveyed in your calls and text messages, but I don't think using all of your energy to try to pull him close again is going to get anything accomplished. You may want to leave a message telling him more about your depression and what you're going through, apologizing for the way you acted, if you haven't already done so, and admitting that you can't avoid the pain you're feeling right now, without including that you want him back. That will open the door for him. He will then be in a position in which he should call you back one way or the other, but of course it's up to him.
  9. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member


    Please don't do anything rash! From one girl to another, whatever the outcome of your texts tonight and whatever the situation, I say you should be super-kind to yourself tonight. I know it might seem impossible, and that things probably feel hopeless and you're really hurting. But it's always harder to deal with difficult situations if you first don't step back and take time for yourself. Be self-indulgent. Get some chocolate, or find something online that makes you laugh, or draw a bath... It may seem pointless, but do it for YOU -- This is a time to be selfish and not feel guilty about it. You can make it through!
  10. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    I managed to stay away from the knives that night. He ended up calling and I explained to him that I did not want to scare him but I am in a lot of pain right now and that I really needed him. I dont think he truly understands the pain I am in.

    I saw my therapist yesterday and my session helped. She made me realize just how angry I was with him for walking away when i needed him the most. And how this sort of abandonment relates to my father abandoning me - which is why this is a bigger deal for me.

    I've decided to take some time for me - I dont know exactly what that means, but right now I decided to not talk to him (to avoid scaring him, and because, well I am upset at him) and just do things to make me happy. Try to get through today, put the knives away, play with the cats, go shopping. I was going to see my family this weekend 4 hours away but I think I'd rather try to strengthen myself up before anyone notices how deep I've fallen.

    Thanks so much for your words. I'm trying to get back to me.
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