I am ready to leave, but it will hurt my Dad if I go.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by onemorething, Dec 5, 2007.

?

Is my situation worth contemplating suicide?

  1. For sure! Your life is pretty sucky.

    9.1%
  2. Kinda. Depression can make any situation seem unbearable.

    18.2%
  3. Not really. You are making mountains out of ant hills.

    9.1%
  4. Absolutely not. There is hope for you.

    63.6%
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  1. onemorething

    onemorething Member

    Okay everybody listen up. Read to the bottom if you can. If not, then I'll understand. To start, tomorrow I have have two upper level college final exams. I am supposed to be studying. However, my suicide craving is overwhelming right now. I am 21 years old and I am a junior in college. I was diagnosed with an std my senior year of highschool. As a guy, I felt like no girl would want to be with me if they knew they could get an std. The most horrible thing is, I don't know where I got the std from. I had never had sex when I found out that I had genital worts. I felt and still feel cheated. I had no f*cking choice in the matter. Then my girlfriend at the time went to another school and we broke up. Then my college gpa suffered because I was so damn depressed about losing her and having something that would prevent most any girl from taking her place. I have also been diagnosed with severe ADHD and am on medication that makes me so focused that I can't even relax. I used to be the funny guy. I used to be the most confident guy. That person is gone now. I started a friendship with this girl later my freshman year. We fooled around and started having sex wearing condoms of course. Then one night I thought I had given the std to her because she had been complaining of symptoms. I broke down and told her. She was shocked. But she understood to a degree. She got tested and turns out she doesn't have it. She is an amazing girl. She is graduating in a month and already enrolled for graduate school. She loves me genuinely. She would do anything for me. Well most anything as long as it doesn't go against her religion which is United Methodist. She and I are still going out. She isn't nearly as attractive as my past girlfriends and I know this sounds, and is shallow, but I see other girls and wish I was with them. We argue nearly every second of every day we spend together. Everything she does bothers and annoys me. When I think about it I just want to f*cking shut her up for good or kill myself. I have broken up with her once before, but then I started hearing about her with other guys and I became very territorial and thought of how I would never find another girl who would love me like she did. So I begged her back and promised to be nicer and that I would change my mean and hateful behavior personality to keep her. She gave me a second chance. That was last spring. Every month of my life in the past two and a half years has been filled with a series of drama, pain, and confused depression. Sometimes I wish she would just die in a car wreck or something. She plans on moving to New York after she gets out of grad school in 2 years. I wish that day would come so I could break up with her and she would be gone. She is such a nice person that I feel very bad for thinking these thoughts. My gpa is a dismal 3.0 and looks to drop tomorrow. Some days I just cry in my apt and think of ways of killing myself. I have been to a psychologist and psychiatrist for depression. It costs too much to stay on meds that are bad for my body anyways. Nothing seems to work and they all make my dick forget what its here for. Oh and finally, the only thing that has kept me alive is the thought of my Father. My Dad has survived unmeasurable pain in his life. I am all he has left. I know that if I kill myself, then he will be crushed...beyond belief. He is the only person in this world that I truly know that I love. I would do anything for my Dad. Thus, I have not killed myself. Also, I have the belief that we as humans cannot know for sure if there is a God, heaven, hell, or afterlife or not. So if I kill myself to get out of this world, I could possibly be done and become nothing, or I could just go to a much worse place for possibly an eternity. Who knows? So here lies my dilemma, I really really really want to f*cking kill myself, or kill my girlfriend, or move back home after I graduate to get away from my girlfriend, but I don't want to hurt my Dad and I don't want to go through the shit(depression) that entails breaking up with possibly the only girl who can put up with me and my std. So if anyone out there can give me some pointers that would be great. I bet no one will even read all of this. F*ck this world. PS- Oh and I just got this gift from my Dad and it uses blackpowder, brass casings, and lead metal to project deadly force. I would hate to use it to kill myself because my Dad bought it for me as a gift and he would feel like it was his fault. This is some crazy shit we're dealing with here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2007
  2. onemorething

    onemorething Member

    Oh and I suffer from random hypnagogic hallucinations and I have lost thousands of dollars at the casino. Help me out here.
     
  3. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    I understand that you're going through a hard time here, but there are things you can do to make it better.

    First of all, get rid of you're girlfriend! She seems to be dragging you down so much, I think a lot of these suicidal feelings may be spite, like if you killed yourself then she would suffer and you think she deserves to, which makes it so much more tempting. This may or may not be what's going on but it's a possibility, and I have similar issues to this.
    Also, please dont kill yourself, you know you will crush your father. I know that living just because of guilt really sucks, but sometimes it's all you have to hang on to. Please dont hurt your father.
    I can relate to many pieces of your situation (I'm a junior in uni too, and my mother is a lot like your father) but please dont give up. Are there councilors are your school? Or any kind of support? Please try to get some more help and try to get through this. You're almost through school, pretty soon you can get out of that situation and hopefully you'll feel better.

    Please stay alive for your father.. :hug:

    If you need to talk please contact me, I'll listen, I promise. I love you.
     
  4. onemorething

    onemorething Member

    Your words are somewhat comforting. Sometimes I imagine myself being those around me. I imagine being my Father or my girlfriend and finding out that the real me committed suicide. The feeling is scary. I really don't want to put that on my Father. He has worked very hard to get where he is and also so that I can attend school. I think living this horrible life out until either my Father passes away or things start looking up is the best idea for now. My Dad is so nice and I can be so mean and hateful. I wish I was more like him. I think I have a great deal of self-hatred. I am very mean to my girlfriend. I think I have borderline personality. My psychologist thinks so as well. I don't like death. I cry when I think about the holocaust and 9/11. I just get angry sometimes and get really evil thoughts in my mind that just linger on.
     
  5. daniel2

    daniel2 Banned Member

    yeah, don't use the gun. that will totally f*ck up your dad. I hang on because of my wife. sometimes i'm angry about that and i wish she didn't love me. just hanging on day by motherf*king day.
     
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