I am running out of steam!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Sep 7, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have no energy left to fight with. I know it is the depression. But part of it is I am tired of fighting. I always used my daughter and grandaughter as deterints to keep me going. Now they live with me and my sister. I am responsible for them getting around because she doesn't have a car.
    I hate life but I try to stay positive. I know sooner or later I will commit!!! It is not how but when. I have no plans I just know how I'm going to do it and when doesn't matter.
    My daughter told me if I try again she will never forgive me, my nephew has told others that he has no use for people who try. He was talking loud enough for me to hear what he was saying. They have no idea what we go thru on a dailey basis just to be alive one more day!
    I am at the point where I don't give a damn what they think. I haven't had any friends for the last 15 years. The only ones who seem to care are my family. I don't know why because I don't tell them anything. When I commit they will be sad. But they will get over it. I don't know, 15 years of isolation is a long time not to be talking to anyone. I can feel myself closing off any communication with others. My life means absolutely nothing.
    Just because I have made a little progress in my therapy everyone thinks they can push me harder to getting better. Actually all they are doing is closing doors. I can feel myself slipping backwards and don't give a damn. I promised my shrink and my therapist from the hospital that when I am in crisis I would come back in. Well I can't do that because My daughter needs me to get around. I haven't figured that one out yet. I can't let her use my car because she has lost her license for two years..
    Oh well I don't know why I made this thread. It really doesn't matter anymore. I have tried to stay positive but have run out of things to fall back on. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone when I was trying to help!!:chopper:!!
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I have always enjoyed all your posts here. I think you have made a big difference by being here, and helped a lot of people. That is something!
    I know what you mean too about making a little progress and then getting pushed. People just don't get it. Anytime I say I'm having a good day, it automatically means I am better. That usually brings me down more than anything.
    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Know that at least you make a difference here, and would be terrible to lose you :hug:
  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    No you won't, your not a quitter, your a survivor!!!!!!!!

    Keep on going and be proud of yourself, hang on in there, even if its by the skin of your teeth!

    Plus who would take your grandaughter to and from school and soccer practice twice a week.

    Oh and if you do run out of steam, boil the kettle again and have a drink on me! :)

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2008
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am definitely falling backwards and my coping skills aren't helping. I have no interest in anything. I have a stack of books that I haven't read yet. The last one I read took about two months to read. I would read a page and sit it down and skip a couple of days.
    I play hell just climbing out of bed. In the afternoon I can't hardly walk to the back porch to smoke. I feel like I will pass out just for moving. My head is still spinning.
    I really want to end it, I can't keep going on. I feel like I am jeopardizing my daughter and grandaughter by driving them around with my head spinning. I have to really focus on driving . I can't talk because I loose my concentration and that can be fatal!! Things keep getting worst!!
    Why can't we just stop breathing? I am not afraid of death. I just don't know what to do about my girls!! Oh well life sucks and I don't want to be apart of it anymore!!
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    anything happen to trigger these feelings? i know your doc switched your medications recently. perhaps the new ones aren't working
    don't forget that you have to be your number one priority in order to stay alive. if it means going back to the hospital until you stabilize then that's what you have to do. your daughter is old enough to figure out other arrangements; maybe your sister can drive her, or she can take the bus, or she can car pool, or she can take a taxi. she has choices and so do you.
    i enjoy our conversations and you have really helped me when i have been down. please don't give up. we'll help you in any way we can.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I did something last weekend to see what my pain threshold was. I can't say because of the rules. What I did was painfull but only for a brief few minutes and then it eased up. I can live with that sort of pain. My hand is tender to the touch. If I leave it alone it doesn't hurt unless I make a fist!!
    Well that was the last test to see if I am ready to end it. Yes I am I just haven't decided when!! It really doesn't matter because I am already dead inside. LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!:chopper:!!!!!!
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hey stranger, I'm sorry you are feeling low again. You haven't let anyone down :hug: You have been a massive help to me and to this forum, this place wouldn't be the same without you :arms: I just wish I knew how to help you too. Has the psychiatrist prescribed anything new for you this week? I really hope you begin to feel better soon , take care!
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