I am sabotaging my life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by androiddd, Apr 24, 2013.

  1. androiddd

    androiddd New Member

    -24-year-old male
    -still live at home
    -still attending a community college (~6 years now)
    -never had a job
    -no friends
    -never been in a romantic relationship
    -scared to go outside by myself, and now I'm starting to feel uncomfortable going out with my parents when they go out because I feel like a big baby in their presence.. so I'm trapped in my room.... Also, I just started driving, but I have to practice the route with my parents before going on my own, and that too I am starting to feel ashamed of doing, so the only place I know where to drive to is the community college I am currently attending...

    I just dropped one of the two classes I was taking this semester and I am skipping the only class I have left for the second time today (only two absences are allowed) - it's going to be difficult to show my face next week when I have the class again (I'll probably end up dropping it, sigh...). I spent the entire day in bed where I slept, masturbated and browsed useless content on the internet with my laptop. I feel like shit. Today was my registration date to register for classes in the summer, and everything is gone. I won't be taking any classes for the summer.

    I really hate my life. I'm lying to my parents and they're eating it all up: "our professor gave us the option not to attend class if we wanted to and instead turn in our assignments online" etc..

    This is the second time I've been through this with my parents. The first time was when I was attending a different community college, the one I attended for four years before switching to the one I'm currently at... back then I was serious about my schooling; I use to take the bus and I had classes starting from 7:00am and ending at 10:00pm. I would spend the entire day on that campus with my heavy backpack which I always had to have on because I felt naked without it, and because of my social anxiety, I would always hide in the library or restrooms, never eat anything, etc.. It was torture and it affected my grades and attitude about school.. well, during my last year there, I decided to see a counselor, and I split everything to her, and she made me tell my parents about what I was going through: the lie I was living, retaking the same classes, prolonging my stay there, how I would hide in the restrooms, and library, how I avoided people, etc..

    Now I'm at this community college and seeing an actual psychiatrist, but I don't care anymore. I lie to my psychiatrist about my schooling, and I no longer have the same enthusiasm about school. It's going to come to a harsh end.

    My doggy which I love is going to die soon (he is 11 years old). My mom is turning 50 in May, and she is still working - as is my father - because they want to get my brother and I through college -- my brother is a senior in high school and he already got accepted to an actual university. How is this going to end? My parents will die, I'll be alone, the only job I'll be able to get is at McDonalds (humiliating), I'll get very depressed thinking about the past and all the opportunities I've missed, I age terribly because of my depression, my brain rots because of my depression, I end up on the streets, ...
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2013
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Oh Gods a past of mine just walked across my vision.

    First thing - you need to be honest with your psych - if anyone knows how to deal with this - at least for some short-term help, that's the person you need.

    I too lied to my parents during my 18 month stint at university...if I took one thing away from when it all came out in the open - it was the regret that I'd had to lie - had to lie to the people who loved me most in the world to try not to hurt them - when in fact I'd hurt them far more by lying.

    If you don't have the enthusiasm for schooling - there are other avenues to pursue and work through - but honestly that stuff can wait for another day. Getting well has to be your one and only priority. That won't always be easy, but the rewards of getting to the point where you can be as honest on the outside as you can to yourself is really worth it.

    Drop me a PM if you wanna talk it through.

    Keep Safe,

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you can get back on a path that is not self sabotaging you can you have to be honest with your doctors so youcan get appropriate help and support to get out of depression you are in. talk to them ok really talk
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    As a 50 year old mother with a son who wasted away in his bedroom for ten years, I hear alarm bells at what you've written.

    Time to come clean with your psych.
    They are not clairvoyant and he/she needs to know just what you've said here.
    Maybe print it out and show them this post?

    At 24 all is not lost, you can definetly sort this, but it does mean biting the bullet and coming clean.
    God knows I would hate anyone to go through what my son went through.
    He would accept no help, until one day he appeared at my bedroom door and broke down.
    I got him down to our GP, who arranged a psych and he hasn't looked back.
    Antidepressants helped no end, so don't be afraid to try them and I know he would totally agree with the embarassment of going everywhere with a parent.
    At first he couldnt go anywhere unless I went with him, but gradually he did small trips out and gained confidence.
    Now he has a job, is receiving on job training and is a whole lot happier.
    He just turned 30, so you have an advantage on him in the age factor.
    Believe me, if he could do, you can, but he did need help and support, so get some support in place, tell the truth and grab your life back.

    ps. he dropped out of uni just before this all happened, he didnt want to tell me he wasn't academic. Know what I couldnt give a rats arse if he's academic I just want him to be happy
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2013
  5. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Sadly at the moment I live with my parents too so you're not completely alone. Social Anxiety is really tough and I'm still learning to try to cope with it. It's hard to deal with, and I used to have many panic attacks anytime I went out. At the moment it's hard looking for jobs, but in time I'm sure I'll find one. Trying to socialize in public is frightening even to me. Right now I'm still trying to deal with my social anxiety and try not to be so anxious around people. I'm doing a little better, but I still am shy around people who I just met. Once you feel comfortable in your own skin, you'll feel a lot better when you talk to new people. It's easier said than done I know, but in time I'm sure things will get better for you. Don't lose hope! :)
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    My points may seem highly critical, possibly insensitive, and even potentially lead to a comment of 'lack of understanding' - but everyone can have an opinion and be biased if they experience something, where an external viewpoint with no experience is less biased and has room for not being emotionally charged with their choice of words.

    I have to give your counselor at the first community college credit, they got you to do something I would have suggested myself. Being honest. Opening up to your parents wouldn't have been easy, but by being honest with them, you are being honest with yourself. Since then, you've moved college, but if you're doing the same things again, you've taken a step backwards by reverting to living a lie.

    Social anxiety isn't a strong point for me to understand, because although i've spent time being a relative loner (albeit i've met people along the way), i've gone and done things that I found interesting. It also gave me a starting point with interacting with people of a similar interest, which then helped me with confidence in unfamiliar surroundings, approaching new people, making friends etc, so I don't necessarily get to grips with people choosing to hide away....

    Hiding in restrooms and not eating is what made schooling seem more like torture, but in fact that was choices you made, that could well have affected your health and mentality. You then claim it was the academics, which is blaming something else for your actions. No-one physically forced you to not eat, no-one physically forced you to hide away.

    If you hate your life being the way it is - you need to look at what you can change, nothing will happen if you do nothing and avoid facing up to some level of responsibility that you have - although the thread title indicates you could be aware of that.

    Learning to drive in the middle of all this, could be a turning point. One, it opens up potential for more jobs. Two, it gets you out, in the company of a relative stranger (and there is usually a test to prove whether you've sufficiently learnt enough to handle a car on the road, in front of an examiner - they're usually the passenger. Well, in the UK that's the way it works), and if you can get through that, you can break down a few of the barriers you have built up.
  7. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    if possible can you change courses to something you want to do if that helps.
    don't worry about other people and what the are doing just concentrate on you.