I am scared of the future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gandara, Jan 19, 2013.

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  1. Gandara

    Gandara New Member

    I don't really want to reveal any personal details about myself apart from the fact that I am 15 and currently in my 4th of 5 years in High school until College. Ever since I could remember I have always been a shy and quiet person in public places and found it difficult to talk with new people but this wasn't as bad until I went to High school when in a space of a few months I was bullied and made fun of because of my Weight and Shyness so much that I pretty much had lost any interest in talking to people or meeting new people which made things worse because I was pretty much known as that fat ugly quiet kid or at least that's how I felt. Around my 3rd year of High School I started getting very depressed and paranoid whenever I saw people laughing because I would always think they were laughing at me, I didn't eat in the cafeteria nor did I feel comfortable eating out in public places such as Restaurants I also didn't like being in big crowds so I hated it whenever I had to go to the shopping mall with my parents and by the end of the year I started obsessing over the amount of calories I ate a day and never went above 1200 I would also weigh myself every night and be upset if I had even gained 2+ lbs and so by the end of the year I had went from 190lbs to 150lbs (I am 5ft 11) in about 4-6 months just by eating much less which I don't really think is healthy at all.

    Now I don't really know how to explain this and I doubt many people will understand but I started to watch alot of Animes and played VN's (Virtual Novels) and I literally started to get obsessed with these female characters and in a sick and twisted way I think I started to fall for these fictional characters which really started to mess with my head, could you even imagine what it would feel like to love a character who isn't even real ? I was so sad and lonely and isolated from society so much that I relied on this to make me feel better because in real life I would never have the courage to speak to a girl and even if I did she would never want to be in a relationship with me and of course these Visual Novels and Animes didn't last forever and once they had finished I couldn't see these characters again which made me feel terrible. After about a year I think I have cleared my head and I have promised myself never to get so emotionally attached to something so stupid ever again but I still am depressed about my appearance and I'm terrified that I will never be with someone and will die alone.

    Now I could go on about myself and my worries for quite awhile but I don't really want to bore anyone and make this any longer then it really has to be I just wanted to vent my emotions and I thought this would be a good opportunity to do so and even if I am making myself look sad and pathetic this is the internet and I am anonymous.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Gandara you do not look pathetic hun you are revealing to us how lonely you are and sad Many here can u nderstand and relate to the bullying you talk about. Have you talked to anyone hun your doctors or Councillor at your school about how you are feeling and being treated. I am glad you are talking to us hun keep talking ok NOONE will judge you here noone hugs
     
  3. spica

    spica New Member

    Hi Gandara! 'o}
    I just registered and read what You wrote. You ought to be proud of yourself and of your displayed courage to share like you did; and yes... even in an anonymous way.
    I am a mid age woman, have young adults and am going thru very rough waters.
    When I registered I wanted to write about me, and as soon as read about You, I choose to write to You instead.
    I hear the challenges, difficulties, emotions you share and thank you for doing so.
    Reading about You helped me get in focus about the person I really am, someone who cares about people, who is kind and appreciative of Life in general.
    I wish You PEace, Serenity, Love and happiness.
    Thanks again,
    Spica from Canada!
    'o}
     
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