I am scared!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by life, Jul 30, 2007.

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  1. life

    life Well-Known Member

    Last night i was so scared that i cuddled up to my pillow and cryied...I am now at my country where my family lives....Me and my borther are living in another country ..i am studying and he is working there...now he found a girl and he is quiete serious with her...i am scared that if he goes and leaves me alone there where i dont know no one....He makes me feel very good ..if he goes i wont handle it[]I have shyness and probably an avoidant personality(i said this 100 times and again and again) which its hard for me to mix with people...I cant think of m,e living in abig city aloneeee everyday and have to study everyday while i am depressed!....I feel trapped....planning seriously about suicide but i have no guts....if i fail then i might be in big trouble!....I would make my family pay a lot monmey for the hospiatl!pluss they would get upset and know that my condition is serious and would have a possibility to attempt again.....The anxiety the depression everything of life makes me feel very scared...I dont know what to do....I am sure that i will never have a good life:sad:...i dont care either!.....My life is over....i remember when i was a child everything seemed very good....i was happy mentaly healthy very positive ....How would i know that child when he gets older would feel this way..........:sad:....Death doesnt scare me at all!.....Failing suicide makes me feel scared a lot....I dont wanna upset my loved onesss.......Everynight i go on the net check all the tablets and their od dangers!.....If i saw only a little bit chance i wouldnt think of suicide but i have no choice...and i am contempleting about suicide.....I think 2008 will be my last year of sufferings....Hopefully i will be in peace and thats what i deserve........
     
  2. LiverpoolFTW

    LiverpoolFTW Guest

    I feel scared too. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living.
     
  3. life

    life Well-Known Member

    Thats our one of the common things that we share!......Also when i read forums on suicide forum i get upset too....I see people who are unhappy and suffer aswell...I know a lot of people too...Thats why i think i dont want to stay in this horrible world anymore....Nothing is fair!
     
  4. LiverpoolFTW

    LiverpoolFTW Guest

    I think most people blame the world or others for their problems and they seek out support from people who love them.

    I dont have any support and have never had any. I blame myself for my problems and i deserve them. I deserve to die.
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way...this is why SF is here, to give each of us a chance to connect and have a voice...from what you wrote, you seem quite insightful about what is going on...maybe finding one person other than your brother who you can connect with will help you not feel he is the only person you can relate to...just a thought...please be safe and know you are wanted and valued here...big hugs, Jackie
     
  6. life

    life Well-Known Member

    Every year things seem to get worse!...for the past one year on my mind there was two things!either fight or give up.....Now i choose to give up....Tonight a big loneliness hit me!...I think it reached to maximum....I just dont wana feel lonely......I dont knowwwww....This year is my last year hopefully....End of pain forever!....
     
  7. life

    life Well-Known Member

    bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
     
  8. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    unfortunately life is not easy... I think back when I was younger how easy things were .. 5 years old playing with my matchbox cars in the sand.. I didn't have the slightest clue what awaited beyond the doors of my house. If was aware would I have gone down the same path..maybe.. its really hard to say .. but I do know this even when I hit bottom in my early 20's I came to realize now that my decision to keep fighting was so wonderful. I mean sure it was hard any and plenty of times I was like I am so done.. life is empty and it wont change.. but I was wrong so wrong. Now when I trip up from time to time I can look over my past and it serves as a testament to me and a reminder that I have accomplished a great deal but most importantly I survived. Please everyone dont give in..I know its seems the only way I felt the same way back then and from time to time even today.. and it is such an overwhelming burden.. but you can make it through..
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Well written scott. When we are feeling at our worst, there seems to be only one answer, but that answer is flawed. The conclusion is drawn when our minds are unable to see beyond the sadness and strife. When happier times are there, ending ones life is not even considered as an option. It all has to do with how we are feeling when the decision is made. Even though all seems hopeless right now, it may not be so in the future. We have to hang on and fight for what might be. It is so much better than what is. At your low points, think of things that have not been this way. It may be something as simple as the smell of the air after a gentle rain, or a bird flying across the sky. Lying in the grass and staring at the clouds to see what shapes and pictures you see. These are all memories that can be thought upon with fondness. If the negative is all that is dwelled upon, then the negative is all that will ever be.
     
  10. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    Thank you gentlelady... it has been a long , tough, an exhausting journey and for now things are well..But the future holds many new challenges that I have to prepare for.. I now have 2 beautiful daughters and I so wory they will be afflicted with the same mental issue I had. so I not only have to fight for myself but for them..I feel that over those tough years it has made me strong enough to handle but only time will tell. I extend myself to anyone he needs to talk some advice or anything please dont be afraid to reach out via IM or VIA email...
     
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