I am scared...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fit09, Jan 16, 2010.

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  1. Fit09

    Fit09 New Member

    Hello,

    I recently discovered this forum. It is a great source of support.

    Few months ago, i changed jobs. After many years at the same place, it was time for a change. I was lured by a former colleague to another organization. It hold great, great promises. Things have not turned out to be that well. We are short staffed, workload is such that i am bound to fail. Moreover, i don't like my work and feel like a failure.

    Over the last three months, i have had thoughts of suicide. When i started having these thoughts, I decided to look for employment somewhere else which i did. I have spoken to management about it (not suicide but changing jobs). They are great and understand the situation. Problem is, these things (changing jobs) are not done overnight. I comtemplated resigning from my job. However, working with the government, I would lose pension, job security and a high paying job. Sorry if i sound too superficial. I could go on sick leave but that would leave the rest on the team in a dire situation. They need me even if i am a complete incompetent.

    I have thoughts of suicide in the past (3 years ago). What prevented me acting on them is my father. Having lost a brother (car accident), i have witnessed what the loss of a child can do to a parent. If it was only me involved, killing myself would not be such a big deal. Being single, i would not leave that many people behind. However, it would deeply hurt my aging father.

    However, i feel that i am near the "end of the rope". It seems that all the walls surrounding were crashing on me last monday. I was in a work meeting last monday...it was about a project i am leading...people were talking about their impossible-to-meet expectations and tight deadlines. I felt like choking. For a while, i stopped listening. I had made up my mind. That night, i would kill myself, all of this rambling around me was no longer important. While people were talking, i was listing mentally the things i had to do before leaving the living life. Deliverance was at hand. I never felt such a strong voice telling me to do it.

    I carried the day and felt slightly better near the end of the day. I was relieved thinking that I had "escaped suicide". I feel better today. However, i know that when i return to work on monday, the lure of suicide may come back. Just the idea that i seriously considered suicide scares the hell out of me.

    I don't know if what i wrote mady any sense...it is the first time ever that i have expressed something like that. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    fit, as you said you are looking for another job, and your managers are ok with that, i think your in a great possition dont stress out over what might happen, cross those bridges when they come.
     
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