I am sick of this shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by loafiedb, May 10, 2008.

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  1. loafiedb

    loafiedb New Member

    Well here goes... this has been on my chest for the longest time and i dont know how to express myself as the friends i have, do not give a shit im going to try to get some help from some people who might help me...
    First of all i am drunk right now, i dont know how to deal with this shit. ill try to explain my shit without boring the crap out people.
    Its starts at me being born, I was born in Johannesburg south africa and was put up for adoption, my bitch of a birth mom didnt even want to fucking see me after i was born, let alone the father wasnt even there... i was adopted by my "parents" dad is a minister and mom is a teacher, always been involved with church and everything, i have also always been a people person hating to be alone, i always knew that i was adopted but never cared that i never saw my birth mom or dad. at 10 i started haning out with older kids, started smoking probably because i was with older people, shit just went downhill from there, started selling drugs to buy stuff that my parents couldnt afford for me. had some friends who pulled me down even further. lines were pretty much cut for me i was either going to jail or going to get killed. At age 14 we moved to the usa left all of my friends behind and became hated, i have always been the person to whom everybody comes for help. always helped all of my new "friends" through relationship problems. until i found a girl that i fell in love with, right after i finally thought the world was a dead and useless place, lives were only to help the economy and that there isnt a single fucking person in this world that is worth a shit that has any sense of good. I realized that we are all born alone, and will die alone. So what is the fucking point??? then this girl came into my life i have never felt so alive it is the first real relationship that i have had with any person even if she is my gf, nobody else has ever made me actually feel that life is worth living. i have had problems with relationships. gf, family or friends. i always find a way to fuck things up. i have to be around people to calm myself down because i hate myself and have always felt a sense of abondonment. this girl made me feel like there was hope in humanity, i love her, after a year or so she begins to act differently and tells me that she keeps jumping between loving me and not. i honestly started fucking crying wanting to kill myself because the first real relationship with any person that i have ever had turns out to be a fucking bullshit story. so i am back to being alone in life. no friends to help me throuhg my shit. nothing . all these people that love me and appreciate me but not a single person who wants to help me in my biggest time of need. i have always been there for every person that has a problem but nobody wants to help me. so now i realize that life isnt woorth living, there are no fucking morals, no good people, we are born alone, and will die alone so what is the fucking point of living? im so sick of this shit, i love her, her friends cause most of this shit anyway, but for some reason i have through my entire life fucked up every single relationship that i have ever had, even my fucking birthmom didnt want to see me... i always get the shit about how lucky i am for actually being adopted and not being stuck in a foster home. but its always from people who know their own birth mom, always have known where they come from. i have just always been a dissapointment to my family, causing them to cry every damn night because of me. i tried pulling my life to gether when we moved but i cant do relationships, i always fuck something up. i juat cant stand it anymore, im sick and tired of always haveing to deal with me screwing things up, i just dont know what to do anymore
  2. theothermask

    theothermask Member

    Your life wasn't a easy one. No wonder you see no exit, you have quite a pile on your heart to bare. I can't give appropriate advice, my situation is different. Keep posting here and look for answers, it helps at least a bit. Sooner or later you might find what to do to change yourself; to not fuck things up; and other solutions.
  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Dude im sorta like you with the relationship part. i find hard to communicate because i get so nervous and intimidated by beauty. A girl i met like 2 years ago randomly came in my life and i fell in love with her. i wasnt fond of her at first but eventually she just kept tugging on my heartstrings and i fell and i was never use to this whole love and emotion stuff because im introverted and dont seem to have that natural bond ppl have when communicating. but now im an emotional freak and cant control myself. i drove her away because i got jealous of other guys just talking to her; i thought i was special to her but it was all bullshit. Shes the only person ive ever hugged intentionally and the movie king kong reminds me of it life scene by life scene lo. My friends dont take my depression seriously and bash me for not smoking pot anymore so im pretty mucha loner. and im sick of this shit too.. so your not alone on this. but i can c your situation seems pretty heavy
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