I am sick of you people

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MessengerFromHell, Dec 4, 2013.

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  1. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Why is everybody treating us like dirt? I know I am ugly stupid but I don't deserve to be treated like this. Not from all of you not from anyone else.

    What have I done to deserve all these treatment? I know I am stupid but that is nothing I can do but there is something you can do is that stop being so mean and be kinder to people who are intellectually disabled like us, is that too much to ask??

    If I have been kind to you, I do not expect any return except not to rub it in when I am hurting.

    Christmas is approaching, supposed to be a joyous occasion but yet it intensifies my melancholy simply nothing to look forward to. Every Christmas hymn is a stab to my chest.

    I see each and everyone of my friends, all happily married or have their loved one with them. Some even have children. I have no right to even question where's mine. I am not worthy to anyone. No wonder all my ex boy friends left me. I just incapable of meeting expectations. But just feel really really sad. I dare not tell my friends about this because I do not want my somberness to affect them. I can only cry.. Quietly..

    I am sorry to rant it here and not able to express myself coherently as I am typing this in tears.

    I guess the society needs no one like me. Nobody gives a shit about my existence and I may not pull it through this Christmas. I hope. And please pray that I do not. No one hates myself more than I do. Probably Christmas is a good day to mark an end to my journey of 28 years.

    ********** not referring to anyone here, but nasty colleagues, friends, family. Whoever! Just no one here
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2013
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    you're not stupid.

    also personally, i've not seen anyone here attacking you
     
  3. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    No one is attacking me here. I meant people out there. Sorry if I did not make myself clear
     
  4. Graeme66

    Graeme66 Member

    Hey, you sound far from stupid. Pick one, just one of your friends and talk to them privately, what you got to lose? Btw you are luckier than me already because you have friends - I don't. Smile 1 smile please :)
     
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Messenger,

    Wow, I could tell you were hurting... just didn't know how bad til now. *huggles* I'm sorry you hurt this badly, nobody deserves this kind of pain. You seem to hint that people in this forum are furthering your pain in some way, is that true? I hope you understand that I do care and I do want to help you. I am married, but in no means is it happily. He abuses me at times, and I just always am waiting for the next time it will happen. I have nobody in my real life that cares. That's why I come here... I have found a community of people that do seem to care. I would like to show you some of this community I have met, if you ever come online in chat. You never have to apologize for ranting, thats kind of what this site is for... just to let it all out, and try to heal and gather support. Ranting is part of that. You say that you can't live up to expectations. I don't think any of us should even try to live up to anyone's expectations but our own. Sometimes even those are impossible to live up to because we set them too high. In that case, we have to either accept that we will continue to fail in that expectation and keep it just as something to strive toward, or we have to lower our expectation. There are some things that I have chosen that first option.... and let me tell you, thats a very difficult path to go down. There are other things I've chosen the second option and by so doing have found both my limitations and ways of hleping me to feel better about myself. So, is it other people's expectations you dont live up to or your own? If your own, why dont you live up to them? Are you willing to change your expectation or will u just choose to accept that you will fail at it constantly but keep it only as soemthing to strive for, not to measure yourself by? I never pray for someone's demise, I dont' think God would want me to do that... I choose to pray that instead you will find hope again and experience joy again and that it will come in such a way you are happy to be alive. I have chosen not to celebrate holidays at all anymore as to me, they are too stressful and generally embody a lot of fakeness... giving fake greetings of love and joy, putting on fake smiles, meeting/spending time with people you otherwise never talk to much less see... etc Maybe thats somethign you could consider. I am not saying don't eat big meals (ie Thanksgiving) or dont give others gifts or allow others to give you gifts (ie Christmas, annivesary, birthday, valentines, easter).... I am simply saying, these are things I choose to do sporadically and at random all through the year rather than just 1 specific day out of the year. When I do it, there's nothing fake about it, I do it because its what I feel I want to do and what makes me happy at the time.
     
  6. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    No one in this forum but office
     
  7. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Demure,

    Your message indeed touched my heart. Thanks for your advice but I think I have given myself too many chances.
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Messenger,

    You can never give yourself enough chances. It's only through giving ourselves a chance that we have a chance to grow. Without growth, there is no change. Without change, there is no hope. Without hope, life does not exist. You need to continually give yourself a chance. You deseve a million chances and then a million more. Why? Because you are human and we all make mistakes. What other reason? Because you are special and important. Don't believe me? How many people a day to you talk to, write to, meet, interact with, pass by or otherwise have them cross paths with you? Every one of those people is impacted by you. Every impact you make, makes a change. No matter how great or how small the impact or the change, it contributes to the make up of this world. Am I crazy enough to think that all changes are good? Nope. But you know what? Even the bad changes eventually produce a good change. In the end, you are part of the solution of this fk'd up world. You are therefore important.... unless you give up and stop giving yourself chances. I hope you will never stop.

    As far as the office people, have you spoke to their supervisors? If yes, and they did nothing... did you try speaking to the supervisor's supervisors? Keep going up the ladder til you do make a change.. and/or find a different office to work in.
     
  9. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    My boss hates me. Pampers the bunch of shit. So wat do you think?

    Staff finds me difficult. I just not capable in pleasing anyone.
     
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    why not find a different job? ... ps it is never your job to please anyone other than yourself.
     
  11. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    This is the area I wanna grow in. Some people deserve much more than I do you know.

    I don't even know why do I exist. It is my own stupidity tat causes my drama. But it's not my fault I did not choose to be stupid
     
  12. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Messenger, I wish you will erase "stupid" from your vocabulary. It is so degrading to yourself and wish you can find a positive trait to replace it. Give it a try...it won't hurt. I know you don't like yourself but you need to find some way to describe you in a more respectable way. I know you're worth it, even though it may be hard to see. Just wishing you well.
     
  13. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Messenger,

    You are not stupid. Nobody is stupid in my opinion. Some people learn faster than others and other people learn at a slower pace, but once the thing is learned, they both know the same thing. We all have a capacity to learn. The problem is not can you learn, but more... does anyone have the patience to teach you and do you have the patience to learn at the rate of speed you are capable of. Then there is sometimes the problem of memory. Like me for instance, I have short term memory problems ever since I was in a coma for 5 dys, when my depression gets bad that is greatly impacted and I have an even harder time remembering things, also at times I have hard times remembering simple words like "dog" or "cat" and have thus had to learn how to describe the word/thing I cannot think of so the person I am speaking to understands what I'm trying to say. It does not mean that I'm stupid... its just different challenges I have to work with. Maybe you have these or other challenges, but you are not stupid. The only truly stupid person is the person that knows things but prefers for others to do it for them so simply will not try to do anything or try to speak out about anything. You show that you are not happy with having mental illness, and you are speaking out about it .. hence, you are not stupid. Do me a favor... on your next response, write out 5 things about yourself that you DO like. I'll tell you why after I see them :)

    Take care and be safe. *huggles*
     
  14. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling, its kinda common but terrible and cruel...
    Ive been bullied all my life and that made me understand my problems like I was the problem and stopped talking to everyone, it felt so wrong but so right indeed. I started drinking, being passive... Also quited school and lived my life through my computer... I felt terrified and lonely, no one could ever understand me, in fact Im a weirdo, I am aware of that....Psychic torture is far more torturing psychical, I hate saying this but the truth tells me, I am already dead. And I do LIKE it!
     
  15. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    There is absolutely nothing I like about myself. If only I could give all I have and cease my existence.

    I have nothing to offer to this world. Just a number leeching on resources.

    Lill, so wat do you do now? It pains me to read that you have been bullied in all your life. You deserve alot better. Did you quit school because of these creeps?
     
  16. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member



    good it's not on here.

    if it was i'd be pretty shocked
     
  17. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys for being so kind. Feeling much better. In fact, I feel great!.=)
     
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    glad to hear it (as long as its not sarcasm) :) :freehug:
     
  19. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Demure,

    Just know that you are not a wasted life =)
     
  20. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ty, but i know i am
     
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