I am so afraid

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by k-monkey, Feb 19, 2013.

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  1. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I can't stop this intense feeling and guilt over all i've done and what it has destroyed. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You can learn from your mistakes and go forward. Pieces can always be put back together, but it will take effort.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiya, what have you done that's made life so unbearable-you don't have to say if you don't want to of course-but if you want to talk, we are here :hug:
     
  4. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I have lied to myself for over 20 years about my depression and how that demon has fuel a sex addiction. Both i kept hidden from myself and worse my wife. 1 week ago she found out and obviously her world is destroyed. I accept responsibility for my actions and lies but i will never forgive myself for what i did to her. She was my light. She was my joy.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I think the most important thing right now is to try and get some professional help for your depression and whatever other issues you're dealing with. Maybe, given time and lots of hard work, your wife will see that you regret what you've done and are trying to get yourself on the right track, and maybe she would be willing to rebuild.
     
  6. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    What's the point. our relationship is shattered. the very basis of who we were is gone. The depression and addiction will always be there, waiting for a moment of weakness. If i can't muster the strenght now how will i ever be the husband she wanted and deserves.
     
  7. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Everyone experiences that at some point in their life, often than not, it can be triggered by the smallest of things and the memory can last a lifetime, but I feel the important thing is that you should not let it take hold of you to the point where you begin to question all of your actions, but rather, as PickWithAustin said, use it to learn from so that you create a better future for yourself. Also, as WildCherry advised, if it is something that you feel is weighing you down heavily, then you might consider professional help; not a 'shrink' per se, but your family doctor, guidance counsellor - anyone, really, that you feel the most comfortable with to help you see you through.
     
  8. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I have been doing that. The future i want is what i had as the good person, the person she loved. Not this piece of crap lying addict.
     
  9. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Then use that dream and make it become a reality. We do not always get everything we want, and heartache and pain go hand in hand with the good times, but that is all part of the learning experience.
     
  10. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I have the strength to change. I don't have the strength to lose her.
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Then you need to do all you can to change so that you have a chance with her.
     
  12. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I am trying. including coming here. are you familiar with how addiction works?
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The fact that you're trying is a huge step. And yes, I do understand addiction.
     
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    As others have said, you have taken some of the hardest steps, including accepting you have a problem and deciding to act to make yourself better.
    I think that all you can do is work on breaking your depression and from there, your addiction, and then attempt to rebuild the trust with your wife.
     
  15. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    If i had even the slightest indication that there was a chance things would be different. I'm trying to put on a strong face for her sake, so that she can begin to heal and move on.
     
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    My guess is that you'll have to start working toward making some changes before there would be any indications that things could be different. And I know that's not easy... I'm not trying to give you the impression that it is. But for your situation to improve, you'll have to be the first to work toward some positive changes.
     
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    With hard work in recovery people can become stronger and more healed than they ever were before. And they rightly can find the way to forgive themselves. I am glad you are in recovery. Work hard at it. And someday you may find that you have strength and serenity you never thought was possible. But ya, it is hard work. And it starts with a crisis. When you hit rock bottom, as they say. So you are in crisis. You hit rock bottom. And you are working now at recovery. AND you found this forum !
     
  18. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    There is a way forward. Whether it includes her or not, is up to her. You know that I have no sympathy for this situation you are now in because you created it. You had a chance to prevent it but didn't. And I think that you have to accept that there are other ways to handle the possibility it may never happen in the way you would ideally want.

    For many of us, life is unfair. It's how we react to the challenges that show the characters we are. The choices we make. Life is what you make of it, and there are many other options/opportunities that you may well have to consider. Ie, making a new life for yourself without her (if it came to that). It is a possibility. Not to be forgotten.

    You don't know what to do? Sort your depression out. Get help for both that and your addiction. At least you can be seen to be making an effort. However, do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

    (I'm a smoker who's so far gone 3/4 days without one, I understand addiction for being on that for 11 years. I also understand what depression can do, and have helped talk 2 people away from suicide. Just a little something to think about as to why I'm not being quite as nice as others are. It doesn't mean I'm being less supportive.)
     
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