I'm not even allowed to express it. Everything has to be stuffed up and repressed and I feel like I'm wearing a fucking corset all the time. I'm told I can talk about anything I like, and that I shouldn't repress my emotions because it's not healthy, but what other options do I have? Throughout a graduation and a graduation party I didn't want, I had to visit with my dad (who I hadn't seen in a year). He's the parent I actually halfway like aside from letting my mom abuse me and my siblings and he barely said anything to me. Then he was gone just as quickly. My younger brother spent the night trying to embarrass me in front of my friends by announcing stuff like how I have to see a psychiatrist (which they already know because I am pretty open about this shit) but his intention was still there. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to throw a major hissy fit and scream and cry and break shit but I just can't. I'm angry at my mom for hurting me all these years while saying that she loved me and that I was just sensitive. She's in the hospital right now (again) and in a lot of pain and I find myself not giving a shit about her condition but how it affects everyone else yet again. I'm angry at my dad for letting it all happen. I'm angry at my entire family for pretending like nothing was horribly wrong and it was all in my head. I'm angry about trying to be the good boring kid my entire life to avoid trouble and being punished for it. I have myself trained so well that I can't just lose it and it's driving me even more crazy than I already am. When I try to discuss it with people, they're more likely to focus on what's wrong with me. I hate myself so much. I hate how I can't enjoy anything. I hate how I can't be in love with anyone. I can't imagine loving anyone or anyone loving me romantically speaking when I used to be such a romantic. Only, when I thought about the great epic scenes with prince charming swooping someone off their feet, I always felt like the ugly stepsister. I assume everyone I meet are potential abusers and manipulators ready to pounce on my insecurities so I claw these fantasies out before they can take root every time and it HURTS. Everything hurts now and I just want it all to go away. I've felt like this ever since I was little and I don't know how to move beyond this. I don't know how to feel things without being numb or completely out of control. I take my pills like a good girl and get up and do what I'm supposed to every day but I'M SO GOD DAMNED ANGRY AND SAD THAT I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO IMPLODE.