The crap keeps coming up. People keep doing things. It's their life, but my heart is intertwined in them. All the "I' statements, all the social skills I've learned, all the live and let live, all of these can only go so far. I turn to what gives me comfort, and that helps, but the deep pain is still there. Things keep happening to open all the old wounds. I stopped the booze as a comfort, and I stopped the cigs as a comfort, and I feel the pain more keenly. I let it out here (thank you), and I tell it to God, and I turn my attention to some of the things I like to do. At least I know where this pain is coming from. I'm no more or less deserving than anyone else, that goes for the good and the bad in life. Maybe the difference for me is that I have a disease called depression that is complicated by all the other crap. The pain that inside of me, this morning I identified it as a monster. The different causes of the pain are it's many faces. I also identified that I want to kill it. Maybe that's why I'm suicidal. I'm okay, I'm hurting and angry, but I'm okay. Just for today, I'll tell that monster to go get fucked and I'll do something constructive, like go to the knitting group.