i am so confused trig

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kath, Jan 24, 2007.

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  1. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i am still unsure that i want help [as in help to get better] and so im reluctant to talk to anyone and tell them the whole truth right now [things have got a lot worse for me over time] in case i cant manage to accept anything postitve they may offer.......it seems unfair to talk tothem under these circumstances.

    On the other hand i cant cope alone with what what is going on for me and cope with my death and dying alone.

    i feel in an increasingly difficult position regarding this.

    i dont need an answer to this.im just writing this out of me.im jsut writing.Thats all.

    It is a difficult sitatuion.

    Take care and best wishes for now
    kath
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Kath when and if you're ever ready to talk, I will gladly listen.
     
  3. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Kath hun,

    I know it's difficult to decide to and actually get help to get better. You've got lots of support here hun, remember that. Anytime you ever wanna talk you know I'm just a pm away.. like always. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself :hug:
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Kath, you know you can allways talk to me hun. You have me on MSN so you can send me an email or a PM anytime. You have my number so you can get in touch with me anytime.

    Love ya,

    Viks x
     
  5. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    It is important for the sake of others that i put a lot of pressure on myself right now.Its Really important.

    i just wish i could feel different to what i do......but i dont.

    i wish i knew i could give people what they most want.

    i wish i didnt feel such a strong need to die....but at the same time i still do.
     
  6. Jess

    Jess Guest

    It's more important what YOU need hun. YOU are YOUR first priority. :hug: I know you need some pressure on yourself to get better because I want you to get better. But don't be too hard on yourself or you'll end up making yourself feel worse.. just hang in there and take care of yourself
     
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I agree with Jess hun, look after yourself.
     
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    kath, I know how tough things are for you right now, and many times in the past. You are as much afraid of seeking out help as you are of the alternative. Afraid to live, yet afraid to die. I know what those feelings are like. We have knoen each other for close to a year now and I want you to know I still not have given up hope for you. I have not given up the fight for you, just plain have not given up. So I am asking you to please not give up either. Don't pull away from us thinking it will make things better for us. the truth of the matter is that it won't. We want you to remain an active part of the forum, a friend to the many people here who wish to call you friend, and those you have yet to meet.Please take care of yourself kath. We need you. :hug:
     
  9. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    ive already made myself feel worse though.Its too late.i am very worried about these people.

    i just wish it was as simple as that if you really really care for the people ar4ound you you would be able to totally ditch suicide but it isnt is it?It isnt that simple.

    i dont know maybe all of this is natural.

    i mean [apart from impulsive suicides who dont have much time to think before the end] who could die without a conscience anyway?

    Afraid to live,afraid to die.Uncertain of life uncertain of death you are right there and you put it so well Gentle.ive kind of picked up on that myself.

    But what does that saay about me.im a failure in both things.

    i worry about what will win the battle inside of me.

    Take care
    kath

    PS as for giving up on me i think really Gentle i think really i did that a long time ago unfortunately.Its just how things are.

    Maybe people wont see it now but maybe just maybe it will even be for the best that i did do that in the long run.Maybe people will look back...........

    i dont know but thanks and hugs all who want them and i need you guys too.YOur fantastic.i mean that sincerely.Some of us theis site literally helps breathe sometimes.

    i will always try to be there for you when i can be anyone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2007
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    sweetie, you haven't given up completely on yourself or you would not take the time to post here. I won't give up on you kath. For as long as i am still breathing I will fight to keep you around. you are worth it to me. I am sorry if i am being selfish. For this I will apologize, but not for letting you know just how important you are. You are NOT a failure kath. You are far too hard on yourself. Enough said by me. You know how I feel, and that won't change. i will remind you as often as is necessary. Stay safe kath. :hug:
     
  11. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Yes your right i guess i know that totally if id totally given up id be dead and not here by now technically.

    But your wrong saying your selfish.Your not the selfish one.i am.Firstly if im honest im here on the forum mostly cos i cant cope with what im going through alone though i should be made to in the circumstances.SEcondly im selfish cos theres a possibility im now about to die on people who have only ever tried to help me.

    i think that makes me selfish enough dont you?

    Well to be honest in true kath style i dont really do keeping safe but please dont worry.You have more than enough on your plate and so do many others here too.Hugs.You dont need ot deal with me being 'kath' right now.
     
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Being "kath" is who we have come to love hun. No matter what is going on or we have on our plates there is always going to be time for you. I do not see you as a selfish individual, just someone who is unable to find there way and needs someone to help guide them. I would offer to let you take my hand and let me help guide you through these dark days, but I am unsure whether I will always be here for that to happen. I cannot make promises I cannot keep. I will be here for you as long and as much as I can kath.I know there are many that would be more than happy to help guide you down the long winding road. Do not be afraid to reach out and never apologize for doing so. Many hugs. :hug:
     
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you have anything to lose by having another shot at getting help? The option for suicide, etc, will still be there, but by trying at least you know you are giving yourself a shot, and who knows, this could be the one that really helps you.

    You know where I am
     
  14. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member



    (((((((((Kath))))))))))

    Sorry you are alone and feeling like this, Kath. Hugs. We are all always here for you hun. Hugs.
     
  15. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are having a rough time hun. I know how that goes, but I am glad I met you. I am truely honored to know you, and so is everyone else. As much good youpoint out in others but yet can't see any goodness in yourself, but it's hard, I feel the sameway, but that doesn't mean it's so, we can't control everything... You can't be responcible for everything... and I think it's getting close to "I love Kath day" again! :hug: :wink: :grouphug:
     
  16. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Thankyou.

    Regarding giving life anotther shot i feel i have to draw the line somewhere - i spent years trying that.And im tired now.But more than that i think ive made myself too weak now to even try again or to have enough hope necessary for such a big challenge.

    Take care
    kath
     
  17. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Would the support services be there for you, to try and help you, if you did decide to try again... one baby step at a time?
     
  18. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    It is unlikely.The people who i find most helpful [charisty providing support for young people aged 16-25 who self harm] can only work with people until 25 [im not sure if they ditch you straight away on your twentieth birthday or slighly after] but i am 25 in 2008.And i wont have their support after that.But thats if im still alive anyway [which at htis rate is probably truly unlikely] and if they havent kicked me out of the project by then anyway.The others involved with me currently are a social worker from the sensory team [i am visually impaired] and a tenant support worker from the tenant suppolrt team from the council.However both of those say they can only offer support for a few months at most,they will pull out soon in a matter of a couple of weeks,months and certainly before the project mentioned at the start of this [probiding that project dont kick me out now and im still alive] and both the Tenant Suppport Team and Sensory Team make it wsound like they are doing me a favour [they probably are - thats the state of the system]by keeping me on their books at present anyway as must only offer short term support.i am on the waiting list for detox from the pills with the alcohol and addiction/drug team but they havent got back to me after i was assessed in October like they said they would and ive spent a maximum of of two hours ten minutes with them now [doing assessments and paperwork] in the year ive been waiting for that.And apparently it could literally take years.But i dont feel able to chase that much more.The tablets are making me more ill physically and emotionally and i dont have the strength or the will.i have made myself too weak now.And to be honest the quantities og into extremely large numbers and i really dont know how realistic it is.The amounts arent stablised.They vary a lot form day to sya so i think it would hace to be at leasetr stablised before detox but as i say i am not sure this is a realistic option for me anyway.Im beginning to think the alcohol and edrug team may be the feeling the same as they have not got back to me after my assessment.i think we all know detox isnt a potential reality now no matter how much i try to convine myself or other people try and convince me or even try and convince each other.As for the local mental health team i was under them preiously when i was in refuge and have been under various teams pereviously7 on and off for quite a long time but now since the council allocated me my own place i have fallen into a different catchment area.And the new mental health team have refused to take on the case including refusing so a referral from my old mental health social worker [based at the other ened of the country - she is no longer involved with me but wants in decision from the new catchment team in writing for her file probalby to cover themselves understanably.]So mental health team input or support is unlikely at this time as is any mental health social work.i dont blame them.i dont blame anyone.Why shouldnt they leave me?Hopefully i will die soon.Then none of this will matter anymore.Sorry but thats how it is.It wont matter.
     
  19. Jess

    Jess Guest

    :hug:

    Kath, I'm sorry I don't have something better to say. I just wanna make sure you know how much you mean to me. and let you know I'm thinking of yah and sending you hugs! :hug: hang in there
     
  20. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jess hun.i hope you are as ok as you can be.There is nothing you or anyone can say honestly simply - that is the fact of the matter so dont worry hun.Thanks.Hugs.

    To be honest though hanging in there i dont think is the best idea for me right now.
     
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