I am so done with life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by s1rvr15, Oct 20, 2014.

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  1. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    Alright, a little bit about me first. I'm 15, a freshman in high school, and I have been miserable, physically and mentally, the past few years. I have been cutting for the past three years, I started feeling suicidal two years ago, and since then, I have tried to kill myself numerous times. Things were starting to look up when I met a girl that I absolutely loved, and still do, it felt like she understood me, it felt like she cared. I really started feelong better, there were times where i actually felt happy. She didn't know that I cut, so when I was changing my shirt, and she saw that my arms were covered in scars, she absolutely freaked. When she tried to talk to me about it, I just changed the subject or downright ignored her. It was then, after being with her for almost a year, I told her the truth, that I didn't want to burden her with my problems. She still texts me, saying things she used to say, "we need to talk", " just let me try to help", things like that, every day, but I still have been completely unable to bring myself to talk to her, even thinking about her makes me feel guilty about my decision, to try and kill myself once more. I don't want to really talk to anyone, I don't want to burden them, make them feel guilty for when I finally go through with this. I've tried the national suicide prevention hotline, both phone and online chat, but they just pretend to care, if I died on the phone with them, they wouldn't care. Right now I have a note written out, <mod edit - methods>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Firstly remember you are human being who is suffering at the moment like the rest of us on this site. You must remember you are young and have the rest of your life to live. You have had a hard time with your relationship but PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING AND DO NOT ACT UPON YOUR FEELINGS. Your family would miss YOU and you must love your family. Relationships are hard to deal with but that does not mean you have act on your feelings.

    You need to speak someone in person about how you are currently feeling such as a school counsellor. Remember there is nothing to be ashamed off. PLEASE GET RID OF THE STUFF you mentioned and surround yourself with people. Over-thinking about the situation just creates you more emotional turmoil and causes you more pain. YOU ARE IMPORTANT and just need to keep posting here for support from people who understand your feelings.

    Recovering from your feelings is hard but you need to take one day at a time. You will a lot of support from here and keep remembering that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2014
  3. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    It just seems like the only logical choice. The pain that I experience every day from the constant bullying, the constant sadness and helplessness, the feeling that nobody cares, seems like far more than the pain I would experience from going through with my plans. And I don't know where you get the argument that I am important, I'm just some kid that will never amount to anything.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wrong. You are young and you have the rest of your life to live. Yes, one relationship does not mean you have act upon your feelings. You are being too hard upon yourself and I understand your feelings. But people who use this forum help each other to get through crisis. You are important as I care enough to post your thread.

    Have you spoken to your family about feelings as they do care if you explained what you are feeling. They will help you through this tough time. Self-harming is hard but I use an elastic band as alternative. The sting wakes me up from the pain I feel and I think you should try that. It's only a suggestion to help you. You are NOT ALONE in suffering in what you feel even though you think so. PLEASE READ THE THREADS HERE WHAT OTHERS HAVE POSTED HERE to help you. We all suffer on a day to day basis but we are SURVIVORS just like you.

    We will get YOU through this tough time and you will be surprised. PLEASE THROW THE STUFF AWAY and keep posting here for support and care. PM me if you want to talk in private and I will help as much as I can. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND NEVER THINK THAT. Please accept offer of help and I will try to help YOU.
     
  5. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    Its not the end of the relationship that has me feeling this way, she's not the first I've broken up with to keep her from being weighed down by my problems, its the constant bullying, the constant abuse, people constantly telling me to kill myself. Who am I to deny them what they want?
     
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    In terms of bullying, bullies are COWARDS and nothing more. You need to report them to the principal if it's causing you such thoughts. BULLIES think they have power over you but I would keep a dairy of the events and present that your teachers. You have the right to live and keep remembering that. You have done nothing wrong AND PLEASE DO NOT LET THEM GET YOU DOWN. IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO TELL STUPID THINGS AS YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM. They are merely emotionally abusing YOU which is wrong and just remember that.

    BULLIES ARE COWARDS AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL.

    Keep posting here as it help you get through the tough time and release the feelings your feel. Your are safe here and don't worry now.
     
  7. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    The thing is, I deserve all of the stuff that I get. The bullying, the cutting, I deserve every single bit of it. Why would I try to stop something I deserve?
     
  8. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Well if you deserve pain and suffering then we all do- that's the depression and unhappiness talking. Do something kind for yourself. Look at something beautiful, watch a movie which makes you laugh. Who can you turn to for help? As a parent I would be so sad if my 15 year old couldn't ask me for support, or to help him get support.
    Remember- your distress and pain are real but what you are interpreting through them- that you deserve them for example- are not.
     
  9. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    Everything I do, including nothing, all it brings is sadness and despair, positive emotions are just a construct of my imagination, a construct that it cannot create.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Bullies,people telling you to kill yourself? They are NOT worth your time, you are better than them and when you get through this you will realize that. I was bullied when I was your age, it did have a big impact on my life but I'm 25 now and doing much better. Please do not harm yourself......you literally have your whole life ahead of you. And you will be glad you did not go through with it in time. Most of those hotlines are people that do care, most (as far as I know) are volunteers, they are doing what they do because they DO care. PM me if you need to talk. You do not deserve this. Your best bet right now would be to get professional help, especially considering you are cutting and the suicidal thoughts. Reach out,please....and best of luck to you.

    Prove those bullies wrong and anyone that tells someone to kill themselves is the lowest of the low, the dirt on your shoes. Prove them wrong. :)
     
  11. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    But I am not better than them. I'm the only freshman at my school that can do calculus. (Sarcasm)I'm going places in this world(/Sarcasm). I'm scrawny, ugly, short, and weak, and I had to brrak up with my girlfriend because I don't want to hurt her with my decision. My whole rest of my life, if all goes as I want it to, should be this week, and Saturday. I don't want another failed attempt and mental hospital visit on my hands. All the pain I inflict on myself, I deserve it, the blood running down my arms and now my legs and chest, I deserve it.
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You broke up with your girlfriend because you did not want to hurt her, that tells me two things

    1) You care about her. You don't want to hurt her and also your confidence may be low thinking you're not good enough etc..

    2) You say you are scrawny, weak etc... she must have seen something in you to make her want to be your girlfriend in the first place.

    And, yes you are better than them. Think about it, if you said to someone what they said to you how would you feel about yourself? Pretty terrible I am sure.

    You are inflicting outwards pain to cover your inside pain. I have been there. It's a terrible place and your judgement is clouded by these thoughts because of your mental illness, when you get it under control you will feel differently. No attempt, just accept and get help before you do something that you will never be able to take back.
     
  13. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    Well, after her pestering me incessantly, I caved, and after talking to her, I am feeling much better. As much as she insists that she doesn't mind sharing the burden, I still feel bad, but that's just who I am. I've got school tomorrow, and I may have to show some people my right hook, so good night all. Thank you for all of the support, but I guess the help I needed was right there, I just had to reach for it. Seriously, I literally owe all of you my life, if you need anything, anything at all, just let me know.
     
  14. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I am so glad to hear that things are looking up for you :) If you ever need any support, or just to talk about whatever, the site is always here for you.
     
  15. s1rvr15

    s1rvr15 Member

    Thanks. Yeah, it'll be a long time before I fall out of this loop of depression, but she was my ticket out, not a rash decision. I agreed to stay at her place for awhile, and today I even grudgingly agreed to go out shopping and to eat and whatnot. I guess I was just giving myself too much time to think, and not enough time trying to be happy. OI still haven't been able to genuinely smile, but I am improving, so I guess that is a start to a long and bumpy, winding road.
     
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