I am so done....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Bambi, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am so done with caring ...where did it get me?

    Fucking alone waiting like a fool.

    Stupid thing is I now feel totally worthless for trying to be a good friend and am left wondering what I did wrong. I hate feeling way as I really try to make a difference. One of the last times I was suicidal I ended up with about 40 stitches and I don't want anyone to feel that way so I try to help and look where I am now-alone with nobody I know around. I am so ready to leave this place, it is great and all but I cannot help but care for certain people and it is killing me.
  2. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    Hi Bambi :)
    I don't know too well what to say about that, first thing that came to
    my mind was that threads were started when you were away, and a joyfull thread
    when you got back....I really think people here appreciate you and care for you.
    Maybe person in question is just hurting too much to see out of his/her misery??
    I just hope you stay around.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to reply Helena that was nice of you.

    In my book if you ask someone to be there for you because you are in pain and need to talk then you find a way out of your misery to be there..it is hard I know but life is hard and if you want out of this pain we suffer through then you had better be prepared to get tough.

    And to me you don't ask a person unless you are prepared to follow through, maybe that is cold of me but it is selfish to not somehow contact the person who has been faithfully waiting and whom you have asked to support you.

    It is not easy listening to this person's problems but I do so because they said came to me and said they needed help, that our talks helped them and they had nobody else that understood...this is my payment for caring? My payback for reliving my pain so I can relate to them best? It hurts like hell and has left me feeling as if I didn't do something right or did something wrong and that really hurts.

    Sometimes you find a member you really relate to so you care more than you should.

    I just waited over 7 hours and he must think me a fucking fool and ya know what I am, I thought I was helping but obviously not.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    What happened B? I have no idea what's going on. You've pm'd me before, can you please let me know what happened? Take care and please don't leave...

  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well like my post says a member I talk with daily asked to continue a talk and said when. I waited and waited and am still waiting. This person was in a really bad place when they had to sign off last so I arranged my day to be available to them-not a big deal and we have few that understand us so we have to be there for each right? Well I am exhausted, worried and feeling as I stated above because they never showed up. I don't know what else to really say as it hurts so bad, I feel like this would not have happened if I had done things right and so feel like crap, if I can't provide help here then what am I doing replying to like I do...fooling myself into thinking I matter? Seems so...
  6. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    You do matter, you're a very special person

    Love and hugs yorkie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  7. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    :hug: well, you do matter, period
    you shouldn't be feeling bad about you, I am sure you
    did your best !
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bambi,
    I haven't been replying to threads because right now my head is all screwed up.. But this thread couldn't go unnoticed.. You are a very kind and compassionate person.. Please don't leave.. You know you have many friends here..
    You have even taken time to help me right now when I am in such a bad frame of mind..Don't let one person drag you away.. We all here care about you..Take care and ((BIG BEAR HUGS))>> Joseph
  9. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    :hug: Bambi u have a heart of gold, please dont be pushed away, :hug:
  10. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    As Joseph said above...please do not allow the one affect you regarding the whole of the site...you are so helpful, wanted and needed.

    Take care...

  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Bambi it is hard when you feel the other member is not hearing you. Others hear you and have been affected by your kindness your sincerity. I know all your post help me. Don't leave please and don't be so hard on yourself we all do our best thats all we can do. You do matter okay and we all care about you You are certainly not alone there are too many people here that know you and care for you deeply I hope who ever it is sees your post and can start feeling better but sometimes it is impossible to pull one self out of the darkness it takes time and energy and maybe this member just does not have that energy right now. take care okay stick here with SF for strength for you:cheekkiss:rose:
  12. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry...

    I haven't much to add that hasn't been said. But if this site brings you down you should stay away and happier.
  13. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone..I am operating on very little sleep here so gonna do my best.

    Thank you all for replying...you are my family and I thank you.

    Long story short I can be sensitive and when this person did not show up after pleading with me to finish a very intense conversation I felt as if I did something wrong....that is how my mind works-it is always my fault- could have made them feel safer, made them know I cared and I could be trusted..the list goes on.

    Well I as some of you know I got taken by a fake last year and it was hard. I thought the same of this person a few times as there were very similar signs but I was repeatedly told that I was helping and given this persons' situation I hung in there. There were a small inconsistencies but it is the big picture of someone reaching out and needing a friend that I focused on. Besides he had told me that given the delicate nature of his situation he would not always be 100% truthful and may have to give some misinformation. Being understanding of military matters I accepted this as after all our relationship was all about depression/suicidal thoughts/PTSD etc. What do I care if you can't tell me you exact location and job duties? What matters is how your feeling and how I can best support you, right?

    The hardest part is that I talked about some very very painful episodes in my life, namely the time I was taken hostage and beaten for days. The person had gone through something similar and so as to relate I had to relive that horror to the point my PTSD has been triggered and I have been having nightmares. I told myself that is what happens when you reach out sometimes and wanting to help him I did my best. It was very hard though and when he was a no show I thought I had not done enough, like I said that is where my brain goes.

    This person stated they deal with death on a daily basis and well in my own way I deal with daily too, trust me on this one okay. Again another area where I had to relive work I did in college that I would rather not have but did so for the sake of helping someone in need/suicidal.

    All in all it has been an emotionally trying week and when you factor in the fact physical strain of chatting for 6-8 hours a night often till 4am I just cracked a bit.

    Anyhow I know this is on me. It was my choice to care and go as far as I did. It took its toll on me and that is okay with me. I would do the same for any of you and at any time....I short I would do it all over again and will in the future if need be.

    I had been up for about 54 hours with only two hours of sleep-this person is in other part of the world at war so the time change was killing me-when I posted. He had pleaded with me to talk so I made myself available. I waited cuz I kept thinking he would show soon, that maybe I screwed the time up and I also worried because this he may have been injured. I was drained and feeling like I had done something wrong.

    I have had a chance to get a little sleep and reflect. You guys are right I am not gonna blame myself on this one. If I had to do it all over again I would and if I have do so to help another member I will-with so many of us here SF is all we have and I for one am willing to relive personal horrors if that allows us to connect and get through the pain.

    I feel guilty for being upset as serious harm may have come to this person and in fact he was injured by enemy fire once in this past week.

    I am frustrated at the situation but hey that happens around here. We care and it is hard sometimes.

    I am not going to let this one situation run me off and all of your kind replies and PMs mean the world to me and helped me see that perhaps my reaching out has had some positive effect.

    I sure hope he is okay, it is so hard when we don't hear from another member as we know what we are capable of and think the worse.

    Sorry if this post rambled as I am still a bit groggy but was so touched by your replies and a few of you thought I was referring to yourselves in my original posts that I wanted to let you know what is going on.

    I debated on posting and am glad I did as your response to me has made a bit difference and helped me to feel better, I can't thank you enough!

    As I always my PM box and heart are open to you all. You are all so great and I truly care.

    Take care everyone of you, I love you all!

  14. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you are back Bambi

    Love and hugs yorkie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  15. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ok girl, just sent youa pm so you know my situation here. but just had to leave you a :arms: geez you do matter to so many here. have so many words i want to add but wel you know gotta go...
  17. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Oh cownes, yorkie and Carla thanks so much, people like you are great and what make SF great too.

    I think I was running on low and like many here I just feel so bad about myself that I blame myself for things I really should not.

    I don't want to go into detail, as this is not the place but suffice to say the plot has thickened, which has made me blame myself less.

    I realize there is a price to caring that, while harsh, I am prepared to pay. Knowing you have friends around you that will help pick you back up when your down really allows you to get back in the game it really does.

    Thanks cownes, yorkie, carla and everyone else - I appreciate you very much.

  18. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    :hug: u deserve more praise than i can ever give u hun :hug:
  19. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I don't get here so often, but you matter a lot Bambi!

    Thanks for being the caring individual you are!

    Remember to take care of yourself! You are very loved and needed....

  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    There are givers and takers. That's just life. You are a giver. You give until it wears you right out. You dont think of yourself or what giving of yourself to so many is doing to you. You cant see it. Even when you look really hard. Inside and out. You cant see it. And unfortunately the takers of the world do. And they are greedy bastards. They will take all they can and then try for even more. And givers let them because they're givers. That's all they know. Friends words saying "dont, stop being so generous, give yourself a break" too often fall on deaf ears. And they give some more.

    I dont know the situation enough to say how much of a taker this person is hun. But you did the only thing you knew to do. Give. And you cannot beat yourself up over it. Unfortunately there are going to be people that will abuse your kindness and generousity. Always will be.

    I dont know how you teach yourself not to be so generous. Not to be so eager to help. Not to let others keep taking too much. There are no "signs" to see. Because givers refuse to see them.

    But for all those takers, there are those that guenuinely need and love too. There are members here that care and will try to give back as much as you have given. So please lean on those people when you've fallen from trying to help someone that only seems interested in taking.

    You are a very incredible lady. You show kindness, guenuine care, offer support and wise words of wisdom that come from experience and from your heart. When you post it isnt just because it seems like you should. You post because you want to help another person. And when you are down and out, helping others actually helps to pull you back up on your feet again. Because it rebuilds your confidence in knowing that you can still care and offer to help. You find strength out of trying to help others find their strength too.

    So whatever this other person has or hasnt done, dont look at it as your mistake. You did what you know to do. You are a giver. And a damn good one at that too.

    Loves ya :arms: