I had a serious suicide attempt several months back, several days in icu followed by a facility for several more. My family stopped speaking to me, I barely saw my toddler, uninvited from all holidays, checked back into facilities twice, I was required to have a daily visiting nurse come for my meds, I was not allowed access to any medications, after 4 months I couldn't deal with waiting around all morning for a stranger to come dispense medications so I got off the anti anxiety and anti depressants(my dr knew, I lied and said I didn't need them). I lied my way out of every hospital saying I was fine, I lied my way out of medications, I lied my way to being fine. I have my life back to "normal" and have for months now. It is all a lie, I've wanted to still die since I woke up in icu, every day, every frigging day I want to die, I think of ways, I have stacks of letters and enteries hidden in my night stand, my bf found them and began sobbing, waking me up asking questions. I said they were from November, I didn't feel that way, I was fine. If I tell my therapist I will be sectioned, if I tell my dr I want meds it raises flags and I have to deal with a nurse again, every one in my life watches me like a hawk for even a hint of depression, for even an indication I may not be alright. So I get up and go about my day pretending I am fine, I want to crawl out of my skin pretending like this, I want to scream and cry and yell I'm not okay to everyone. I feel sick when I smile or hear myself saying "I'm much better or I'm okay or I'm good". I can't take it. I feel like I can't breathe, I feel so overwhelmed. This isn't a new thing, this has not gotten better, I have felt this every day for almost an entire year. This is not getting better. Will it ever? Am I the only one? Have I really just lost my sanity?