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I am so lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pedenanlavi, May 5, 2015.

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  1. pedenanlavi

    pedenanlavi New Member

    I had a serious suicide attempt several months back, several days in icu followed by a facility for several more. My family stopped speaking to me, I barely saw my toddler, uninvited from all holidays, checked back into facilities twice, I was required to have a daily visiting nurse come for my meds, I was not allowed access to any medications, after 4 months I couldn't deal with waiting around all morning for a stranger to come dispense medications so I got off the anti anxiety and anti depressants(my dr knew, I lied and said I didn't need them). I lied my way out of every hospital saying I was fine, I lied my way out of medications, I lied my way to being fine. I have my life back to "normal" and have for months now. It is all a lie, I've wanted to still die since I woke up in icu, every day, every frigging day I want to die, I think of ways, I have stacks of letters and enteries hidden in my night stand, my bf found them and began sobbing, waking me up asking questions. I said they were from November, I didn't feel that way, I was fine. If I tell my therapist I will be sectioned, if I tell my dr I want meds it raises flags and I have to deal with a nurse again, every one in my life watches me like a hawk for even a hint of depression, for even an indication I may not be alright. So I get up and go about my day pretending I am fine, I want to crawl out of my skin pretending like this, I want to scream and cry and yell I'm not okay to everyone. I feel sick when I smile or hear myself saying "I'm much better or I'm okay or I'm good". I can't take it. I feel like I can't breathe, I feel so overwhelmed. This isn't a new thing, this has not gotten better, I have felt this every day for almost an entire year. This is not getting better. Will it ever? Am I the only one? Have I really just lost my sanity?
  2. htyh34265

    htyh34265 New Member

    You're not the only one. I'm very new to this forum. This is my first post. I have checked out the chat room a couple of times. I didn't even know how to speak up. I basically just sat there until my session timed out. I'm not used to posting on internet boards. I used to sometimes but not in years. I don't even know where I'm going with this other than to just tell you you're not the only one. I want to die every day too. I have nobody I can talk to. I have friends but I think that any of us who suffers with thoughts like these knows what types of responses you might get from people when you even try to lightly introduce anything at all about what you've been feeling to your friends who may never have experienced feelings like this before. I say this from experience. I'm too worried about being locked up if I ever talked to anyone in the mental health profession so, at least for the moment that option is out for me. I'm sorry to take up your time seeing as how I don't have any actual advice on how you might help yourself out of feeling the way you do. I guess it's 100% as much for myself as it is for your well being that I just wanted to let you know that with all of my heart I hope you know and believe that you aren't the only one who feels like you want out of this life and maybe that will make the difference in at least making the attempt to stick around and see how things turn out for one more day.
  3. darweenian

    darweenian Member

    My mom called me today in the middle of me researching methods... it was very surreal and somehow funny in a sick way, and it made me want to crawl out of my skin when she asked, "Are you doing ok?" and I answered, "Yeah, everything is great." (She's been calling a lot lately - I think she's picked up on something.) Anyway, you're not alone, and everyone is here to listen and share and be together. You're in my thoughts!

    And as for the ever getting better thing, I think it always comes back, but it also always recedes. That's the hardest thing for me - it's a long war, not just a battle, and it only ends when you die - but I think dying by my own hand would mean I lost the war. I don't know.
  4. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    You're not the only one. Every day I want to die. I didn't lie about my feelings while in the hospital, but I kind of wanted to. The drugs weren't helping me and the doctor didn't want to let me go until I was better. I pretty much knew that he wasn't going to be able to help me and he did finally let me go, but I'm not sure why I even went in the first place because after all this time I pretty much know that nothing is going to help me.
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