I am so on the brink

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Sep 25, 2011.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I see absolutely no reason for me to go on living. My whole life I have been abused, verbally and physically, by my mother. It fucked me up but good. Now, any conception of self worth that I might have possessed has been eradicated. All throughout high school, I was constantly reminded of how sick she was of dealing with my problems. It didn't help that I needed four psychiatric evaluations on separate occasions in order to return to school, and that I was once arrested on my front lawn for mere suicidal ideation. My whole life, people were afraid of my emotional intensity and didn't know how to handle it. Instead of accepting their own shortcomings, they cried accusations of attention seeker and crazy in my direction. Or, they simply gave up on me. And so, they walked out of that whole life. When I finally made it to college, I thought that I would be leaving behind all of those narrow minded people for the first time. But then I realized that I was transgender, and I embarked upon what would be the most difficult journey I had encountered thus far. The struggle related to my gender identity increased my anxiety, triggered the recurrence of my anxiety attacks, and made me feel worthless. I was also raped, which wouldn't have happened if I wasn't trans, and discovered that I was an alcoholic. I also dealt with bulimia for half a year as another form of self punishment, in addition to self injury, a nasty habit that plagued me throughout high school. I also started getting flash backs of abuse from my childhood, and my uncle, who is a therapist, told me that I was suffering from PTSD. Finally, in May, I was kicked out of college for being suicidal. I hadn't even done everything, and yet, there were police searching for me all over campus. I was certain that this would be the last straw for my parents, and part of me was right. That night, my mom screamed at the cop accompanying us to tell her where the nearest police station was so that she could leave me there because she didn't want me anymore. For three days, I bounced around from friend to friend, certain that I was homeless. Finally, my parents took me back, and all summer I frantically scrambled to find the money to move out, but to no avail, not even with a job. So now, I'm attending the local community college while all of my friends, the most amazing people in the world, the kind that are not narrow minded or scared off so easily by emotional intensity, and the people that I can see myself being friends with for the rest of my life, are away at school. I don't know anybody at home, and I attend a commuter school, so it's impossible to make friends, and I am living in a house that I hate, a house that hoards a horrible environment. Everyday, my mom unleashes her anger onto me, and now, I have no support system around me so that I might cope effectively. My best friend has been extremely supportive the past couple of years, and especially these past few months, but as he now has problems of his own to deal with, his patience is slowly starting to wane. And while I understand, it kills me, kills me, because he was my last lifeline. I didn't mean to rely on him so much. But the point is that it happened. Now, I have retreated into self imposed isolation. Interacting with other people unleashes my anxiety. Reaching out to others and allowing them to grow close to me only hurts me in the end. I'm so fucked up that it's difficult for me to maintain positive, successful, healthy relationships with others. I have never felt so alone, nor have I ever been so convinced that my aloneness was the end of the earth. For five years, I have been chronically suicidal. While I found occasional respite, for the most part, I have been plagued by a constant, crippling darkness. For the duration of this darkness, I have completed one stage of my life and entered another entirely, and it hasn't gotten better. I have changed in so many ways, except for the one that matters most: I have not found happiness. And that is the crucial distinction between living and dying. Now more than ever, I am incapacitated by a steadfast despondency. It consumes me on a minute-by-minute basis. In this way, I have kept a systematic record of my melancholy, except that when I look back to study my progress, I realize that nothing has been accomplished at all.
    I have fallen into freezing water, a place where a thousand knives stab you. It is impossible to think about anything but the pain.
    I cannot think of one reason why my life would be worth living. I'm a talented writer, and at one point that ambition seemed worth pursuing, but my life appears to be so devoid of love that my one greatest merit simply cannot compensate for something that is so contingent to my existence.
    And so, I just need to make a few purchases, and...I'll never have to suffer again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 26, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Re: I am so on the brink of hanging myself

    I'm sorry to hear about all of this.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: I am so on the brink of hanging myself

    sorry hun you are so alone and feeling so not cared for. You have accomplished so much hun you fought thru and you are still here. I think if you can hun please call for some help okay. call crisis line or go to hospital and tell them how desperate you are. At least in hospital you will get some care hun someone who does not judge you but will help you please hun call and get some help okay you deserve to have peace and healing hun hugs
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 26, 2011
  4. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    Re: I am so on the brink of hanging myself

    I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain. I can relate all too well to many things in your post. Just a few months ago, I was in the midst of a severe depression, and had it not been for the support of my therapist, and his eventual insistence that I go onto antidepressant medication, I have significant doubt that I would be here today. But I am, and although I am not yet happy (slowly working towards that), it also doesn't feel unbearable to exist anymore, which relatively speaking, is a tremendous relief. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to? I think that would be really helpful. Meds also seem like they could really be useful (even if only temporarily) in your situation. I would highly suggest giving them a chance... particularly in combination with good therapy they can really make the world of a difference. Your life can get better, it really can, although I know that seems impossible to see right now. Please get some help, and stay strong. You can do this!
     
  5. IWantToBelieve

    IWantToBelieve Active Member

    Re: I am so on the brink of hanging myself

    raiinbowjunkiie,

    I feel that my answer could never make justice to such a wonderful post, but I just wanted to say a couple of things:

    1. I can identify with many of the problems you have gone through, while some others are foreign to me. I have felt incredible, almost constant pain, for a very long time however. I have also felt an outcast because of my emotional intensity (as you put it), which has left me crippled to maintain meaningful relationships with people.

    2. All you can feel is pain, but there is much worth in you, and much happiness to be lived. Don't let the pain blind you to the promise of a happy life (or at least of a life with happy moments, for I believe that a continuous, uninterrupted life of happiness is but a chimera.)

    3. All I kept thinking as I read your post is that you have a lot of talent with your words, so I wasn't surprised to read that you are a writer (fact which you disclosed close to the end of your post.) Let your art work through your pain. Great, wonderful things have been created thanks to pain. Every true work of art is borne out of dissatisfaction, isn't it?

    4. Do you write fiction? Is there any place that you post your writings?

    Take care, and talk to you soon!

    IWTB
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 26, 2011
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