Im frustrated. With myself. Ive been struggling with suicide for five years now, Im 20. I remember, when I was a bit younger, sulking in my pain. I had no desire or intentions of finding my way out of the darkness. I was forced to get help after each attempt I had through hospitalization. BUT NOW! I want so BADLY to help MYSELF!!! Im done with suicide, I want to take control of my life again. For the first time, I am willing to see a therapist, I have a psychiatrist, I take my medications as prescribed. I feel like I am taking all the right steps to better myself…but here is where the frustration comes in; I am STILL so quick to resort to suicide. Over the SMALLEST things…its sad, and scary to hear myself think, I would literally rather DIE...KILL MYSELF, then go to work. Or if I get in a fight with my husband….over anything, THE SMALLEST THINGS!……suicide is the first thought that pops into my head. In my clear state of mind, I have so much to be thankful for….SO MUCH, my life is not hard. I am so confused and scared that its so easy for me to jump to that state of mind so fast. because in reality…the LAST thing i want to do is die. I love my husband so much, I promised I would never leave him in every sense of the word "leave" yet two days ago, I had an attempt. Only my husband and I know about it, I plan on telling my therapist when i see her next because I'm really scared…..of myself! I remember getting into a very small argument with my husband, and then….I attempted suicide. When I woke up, still alive…I was so grateful. this all may sound weird because I know, from experience, that most people who attempt suicide really want to die. BUT I DONT WANT TO DIE!!!!! I just get so impulsive SO FAST, and my instant thought to ANY problem is killing myself...like tunnel vision and at the end of the tunnel is death, death, death, death! Its all i can think about, racing thoughts…Im scared because I don't know when its going to happen again, Im trying so hard to help myself! I don't understand if I have such a will and want to live…why I turn into almost a different person within a matter of seconds who is impossible to control. Its like an out of body experience, I know what I'm doing, or the way I'm behaving is wrong but I can't stop when I'm in that "tunnel vision" impulsive phase. I almost feel like the hulk…but ANYTHING triggers me. Im scared of myself. Is my life really that disposable to me? Do i really have absolutely no self value? I don't feel that way right now…what makes me feel that way 5 mins from now. Im scared. of myself. my mind…its not always me.